25 Things - Part 3

1) I'm in the process of learning Japanese. I can now write anything in hiragana, but for some reason I'm having problems with the katakana. Thank god it's not used all that much. I also now know around 150 words, which isn't too shabby for one month's learning, IMO.

2) I obsess over perfumes, and own about twenty of them. My favourite is Nina Ricci's Les Belles de Ricci - the original one, with the green swirly bottle. I've been wearing it since I was 12 and I'm still not sick of it. I can't find it anywhere to buy at the moment, though. *cries*

3) I like it when guys buy me flowers, but I'd be just as happy if they bought me a cactus. Cacti make me feel at home.

4) My favourite smells, aside from the perfumes that I wear and the flowers that I like, are coffee, sun cream, the ocean, leather and cigars. Orange is my soul-smell, though.

5) It's pretty pointless to ask me any questions that start "Would / could you ever..." because the answer is ALWAYS the same: "If necessary."

6) I find that the best way to not carry around a whole load of guilt on your back is to not do things that you feel are wrong in the first place.

7) I'm a lover AND a fighter. And I don't have a problem with that.

8) I can be extremely pedantic. I'm very aware of this, but I can't always control it, if I get onto a subject that intrigues me. So if you catch me in a pedantic moment, feel free to tell me to shush. I usually won't take offense.

9) Stephen Fry is probably my favourite celebrity, and one of the few Brits whose humour I generally get.

10) I like to think of myself as a cynical optimist.

11) I think the man in Beyonce's "Halo" video is one of the most beautiful people that I've seen in my whole life.

12) I love kitchen equipment the way some women love shoes or handbags.

13) I dream about falling in love, and having a happy life where I'm married with two children, but I'm scared that I'll never have these things because I'm too inherently selfish to ever share my life with someone else.

14) I'm not pretty, but people seem to think that I am. I can only assume that I have some sort of charm about me that is evident when I'm standing in front of you, but that doesn't show up in mirrors or photographs.

15) I'm the only person I know who actually enjoys doing things alone. I have no problem with going to the cinema on my own, or eating alone in a restaurant, but everyone I know seems to think this is weird. Most of the people I know won't even go to the bathroom alone when they're out.

16) I'm kind of a perfectionist. I don't care one bit about perfection - or lack thereof - in other people, but I care about it in the things I do, and if I don't do something as well as I feel I should I get itchy.

17) I often get convinced that people are watching me through the computer. There's one guy, who I really like, and every time I check out his facebook page I feel guilty, like he's going to pop up in front of me and shout "STALKER!" I frequently find myself checking the computer to make sure that a webcam hasn't magically appeared somewhere on it, even though I know perfectly well that I don't have one. But I can't seem to shake off that watched feeling.

18) I'm writing this list in the bath.

19) I generally remember names and forget faces. If you give me a name, I can usually dredge up an astounding amount of facts and / or memories about that person, even if I haven't seen them in a decade or longer. Put them in front of me without telling me their name, and the best I'll be able to do is a vague feeling that we might have met before. I don't know if this is part of my brain damage or just something that came along naturally.

20) My favourite part on a man differs from guy to guy, but I can always rely on that space between the shoulderblades to make me all tingly and happy.

21) I don't have a "type". When it comes to looking at, and being attracted to, the opposite sex, I'm pretty much a gourmand. Yet when it comes to dating, I'm extremely selective, and actually rarely date much at all.

22) I see the world in vibrant colours. Nothing is ever just red or green or blue for me, it's crimson and scarlet and vermilion, viridian and emerald and jade, cerulean and cobalt and ultramarine.

23) I can manipulate people better than anyone I've ever known, with the possible exception of the late L. Ron Hubbard. I simply choose not to do it unless absolutely necessary.

24) I believe fully that "In all but the most extreme circumstances, we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be." - Jerry Springer (How's that for a strange source of wisdom?)

25) Even a decade later, I still love garage music, and I refuse to apologize for it. :)

The iPod One

What does your ipod say about you?

1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in parentheses after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends


1. What do your friends think of you? – Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond (Aww, how nice.)

2. If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say? – Otherside - Red Hot Chili Peppers (Yeah, that doesn't really work, LOL.)

3. How would you describe yourself? – Keep Ya Head Up - 2Pac (Works for me.)

4. What do you like in a boy/girl? – Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day (LOL!)

5. How do you feel today? – Pandemonium - The Pharcyde (Hah, sounds about right to me.)

6. What is your life’s purpose? – Hands - Jewel (This is actually working out pretty well - this is one of the songs that I really relate to!)

7. What is your motto? – Blackboys - Bashy (Um...I suppose it's a life-affirming song, right?)

8. What do you think about very often? – Obsession - Frankie J. (Hehehehehe)

9. What do you think of your best friend? – True Colours - Phil Collins (Yep!)

10. What do you think of the person you like? – Slide - Goo Goo Dolls (Beautiful.)

11. What is your life story? - Running on Faith - Eric Clapton (Pretty true.)

12. What do you want to be when you grow up? – Un Nuovo Giorno - Andrea Bocelli (A traveller! Hehe!)

13. What do you think of when you see the person you like/love? – Eyes on You - Jay Sean (Wahey, sexy sexy! :)

14. What will you dance to at your wedding? – All My Life - K-Ci & JoJo (Funnily enough, this IS the song I'd choose for the first dance at my wedding.)

15. What will they play at your funeral? – Just Another Day - Jon Secada (Hah)

16. What is your hobby/interest? – Watch Over Them - Ms Dynamite (Yep, I'm a watcher.)

17. What is your biggest fear? – Someone Should Tell You - Lemar (Ooh...Freudian...)

18. What is your biggest secret? – You Can Call Me Al - Paul Simon (Ehehehe...makes me sound like a cross-dresser, or a secret man, or...something.)

19. What do you think of your friends? - Worth Fighting For - Angelique Kidjo (And why not?)

20. What will you post this as? – Right Before My Eyes - N'n'G feat. Kallaghan (No comment for this one, really.)

40 Questions - Minus a Couple - From Tracy

1: Would you date your number three?

My number three what?

2: Where was your default picture taken?

Menorca.

3: What’s your middle name?

Marie Elizabeth.

4: What is your favorite color?

I like all colours. Probably pale blue or pale pink, right now anyway. :)

5: Does the person you like, like you back?

Oh hell, I like a lot of people. Chances are some of them like me back. The guy I can't stop thinking about right now...well, I think he kind of liked me, a long time ago. Although he never said anything, but he was always looking at me and smiling, and hanging around, even though he never talked to me. But I haven't seen him in a long time, so he's probably forgotten about me. I'm wishfully thinking that he's thinking about me too, but...ehh.
Which of course begs the question, "If you haven't seen him in several years, why can't you stop thinking about him now?" And I don't have an answer for you.

6: When is your birthday?

February 3rd.

7: Are you mad at anyone?

Nope, not really. I have moments when I'm still pissed at certain people, but they really are only moments out of time.

8: What shirt are you wearing?

Charcoal gray sweater. You actually managed to catch me at one of the few times that I'm wearing a top, usually when I'm at home I'm either naked or wearing a dress or a robe.

9: If you were going on a TV show,which one would it be?

I'm not sure, honestly. I don't much like being in front of a camera. If I ever got famous I wouldn't mind going on one of those panel shows...Never Mind the Buzzcocks or 8 out of 10 Cats. Or QI. Yeah, that's it...I'd love to go on QI.

10: Are you imagining anyone naked right now?

I wasn't before I read this question, but NOW I am. *rolls eyes*

11: Did you ever sneak into a R rated movie?

I don't think I've ever snuck into anywhere. I'm not the sneaking type, I just waltz right in under everyone's noses as though I have a perfect right to be there, and I don't usually get questioned.

12: Ever had a near death experience?

Yeah. It's not something I'd like to repeat, although unfortunately the people who keep giving them to me seem to think that I need them.

13: Something you do a lot?

Read.

14: How old is your best friend?

I think they're both 24.

15: Do you want to see somebody right now?

Ehh, wouldn't mind, but they'd have to be naked and warm and not snore or hog the bedcovers, since I'm sleepy now.

16: How many piercings do you have?

Just one in each ear.

17: Are your ears gauged?

?

18: Who would you do anything for?

Ehh..."anything" is a pretty broad term.

19: What are you doing right now?

Filling in this quizzie thing.

20: Do you miss anyone?

There are several people I miss. I probably wouldn't miss them as much if I knew they were well and happy, but I don't, and it makes me worry.

21: Do you still talk to your mom?

Ja, I live with my mom.

22: What's your biggest fear?

Throwing up and bugs laying their eggs in me and then hatching out as larva.
My only fears, actually. Only waking fears, anyway.

23: Where is your best friend?

One in Bristol, the other in London.

24? 25?

26: What woke you up this morning?

The guy who came to read the gas meter. Actually, he thought he came to change it.

27: Speak any other languages?

Spanish, some basic French, a little (very little) Italian, learning Japanese. None of them fluently, although I'm hoping to be fluent in Japanese this time next year.

28: Do you sleep naked?

Absolutely, unless it's really really cold, in which case I wear a soft sweater. When I have overnight guests (non-boyfriend guests) I make the concession of panties and sometimes a T-shirt.

29?

30: Are you mean?

I don't have a lot of meanness in me. I can be pretty spiky at times, though.

31: Do you like rain?

I like it when I don't have anything to do. I hate it when I have to go out.

32: What are you thinking about right now?

Jon.

33?

34: What’s your favorite food?

Thai or Mexican. Rice, really. I love rice. And hamburgers. All sorts of hamburgers.

35: What's your favorite animal?

Cat or duck.

36? 37?

38: Can you live without your cell phone?

Sure. I don't really like talking on the phone, although I do text quite a lot. But if I had to live without it, I'm sure I'd find some other way of talking to people. There are only a handful (a SMALL handful) of people I talk to regularly, anyway.

39: last person you said I love you to?

Probably mom. I can't actually remember.

40: What's something you have never done before and would like to do?

Make a medical discovery.

Or kiss Wentworth Miller. :)

A VERY Long Quiz From Ambie

What color is your bedspread?:

White. Everything I own for my bed is white egyptian cotton, I have so much trouble sleeping I do everything I can to make it easier, even if it means spending a fortune on linen. This one has a panel at the top with little pale blue flowers embroidered on it.

Pick up the nearest book to you, turn to page 25 and read the first sentence.

"Meet the Pokemon Pals!" (Hahahaha)

How many candles are in the room you are in?:

There are a bunch in the chest where I keep all that stuff, but I think there's only one out, plus three tealights in their respective holders.

What was your first word when you were a baby?:

Ehehe...I did all the normal stuff - Mama, Dada - but my first proper words were "sanitary lavatory". I kid you not. Apparently I saw it on a commercial on TV.

However, my brother's first proper words were "electric pylon"...so I guess it runs in the family.

How old were you in 1996?:

11-12

How old will you be in 2016?:

31-32

How long until your birthday?:

What, you want me to go find a calendar? It's 1 in the morning. My birthday's on Feb 3rd, so about 11 months.

How many siblings do you have?:

Five - three half, two step.

Are they older or younger than you?:

Three are older, two younger.

Are your grandparents still alive?:

My dad's mom is, and my stepmother's mom, and I think her dad (although I've never met him).

How many orange objects are there in the room you are in?:

Not many. There's a box of matches. Several books. An Ann Summers carrier bag. A bag of cheetos. A couple of stuffed animals.

Have you ever run a stoplight?:

Nope.

Do you have any children?:

No.

How was your first kiss?:

Too young, but sweet.

I'm not sure how it was for him. He insists it was great, but considering he's now gay I'm not convinced.

Have you completed high school yet?:

Ehh. I got up to GCSE level. I don't think I'll ever be finished with A-Levels; I always find another one that looks interesting.

Do you have any relatives in the military currently?:

Not that I know of. I don't know a lot of my relatives though.

Who got married at the last wedding you went to?:

My brother, last August. I wish I could remember the wedding better, but all I remember is that it was beautiful - I had a monster of an ear infection that day, and was doped up on painkillers.

What time did you get up today?:

11-ish. Early for me, since I don't usually go to bed until late (I work nights, mostly).

When was the last time you stayed up all night?:

A couple of days ago, but I napped in the morning.

How long have you had a MySpace, Facebook, or whatever you use?:

Since just before Christmas of 2006. I joined about 5 social networking sites on one day, but myspace and facebook are the only ones I kept up with. (Facebook more than myspace, I must say.)

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you hung out with?:

I suppose it depends how you define hung out. I haven't seen anyone for a while, I've been feeling rotten. Probably Siji, but I don't know when it was...February sometime. Oh, I saw my brother and my nephew-in-law Craig the other day.

Person of the same sex?:

Um, Becki I think. Or mom, LOL.

What color are your eyes?:

Blue.

Do you like them?:

Sure, they're eyes. What's to like or not like? They look OK. They don't work all that well, but that's not their fault - it's the brain that's messed up. :)

Have you ever had braces?:

Never. I always wanted them when I was a kid, I thought they looked so cool.

Turn on your MP3, CD player, radio, etc.
What song is playing?:

Darren Hayes - I Miss You.

What was the last thing you drank?:

Coke.

Are you better at math or art?:

Eh. Matter of opinion.

Science or History?:

Science.

Who was your 4th grade teacher?:

4th grade...Mrs Finnegan. I think. We had a different system at that school. I transferred out in the middle of J3, which equalled 5th grade, so yeah, 4th was Mrs Finnegan. That was a cool year, we had Spanish exchange students and learned about the Egyptians. It was the last year before serious work started. (5th grade - J3 - we stopped doing fun kiddie projects and started French, Latin, Calculus, Poetry and Religion. I did that for half a year, then the school closed down and I transferred to a State school, where we went straight back to making pictures out of tissue paper and learning how to make fruit salad. It was like another year and a half of fun, Heh.)

Who was your best friend in 7th grade?:

I'm not sure. It was a new school (again), and took a while to get acclimatized. I didn't really have a best friend throughout high school - well, Ellie was, but we didn't actually hang out much while at school, only outside. At school I mostly just drifted from clique to clique, never committing myself to anyone.

Where did you go to pre-school, if you went at all?:

In England, I went to the Fleetville Community Playgroup on Mondays, the Jubilee Centre on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and St. Paul's on Wednesdays. (Mom thought it was better for me to be well-rounded. On Fridays I spent the day with Mom and we baked.) Then in Spain, I went to Escenari Petits, then Mateo Fontiroig.

Who was the last person to call you?:

Mom, but I didn't hear the phone ring because it was on silent and I was asleep. I'm not sure who I talked to last...Oli, probably.

Did you smile in your driver's license picture?:

We're not allowed to smile for official pictures over here. Dumb dumb dumb,

Do you have a job?:

I suppose. I keep saying I need to get a "real" job, but in this economic climate I'm lucky to have one at all, and it pays the bills. Doesn't leave me much else beside, for things like tanning bed sessions and holidays and manicures, but it pays my car payment and bank loan and rent and phone and internet and medical bills and food and gym membership, with enough left to buy a couple of books.

What is your favorite smell?:

Not sure. I like a lot of smells. At the moment I love the coffee I bought the other day. It's Kenyan and exactly how coffee should be.

What's your favorite brand of gum?:

Airwaves, even though they practically take my head off when I first chew them.

Have you ever dated someone and then dated their sibling?:

Nope.

Who was your crush in 5th grade?:

Jean-Claude Van Damme. LOL. My first crush.

Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?:

Casey was my kiddy boyfriend when I was 9. First kiss too. (Yeah, the one who went gay.) I guess Julian was the first boyfriend I considered "real" - even though I know now that there was nothing real about it. Richard was the first person I had anything remotely approaching a grown-up relationship with.

What color is the shirt you are wearing?:

I'm not wearing a shirt.

What do you think of the 1980's?:

It was a cool decade, at least for teenagers. 80s movies rock.

BREAKFASTCLUB4LYFEBABY :P

Have you ever dated someone more than 2 years older than you?:

Hell, I've dated guys 10 years older than me. I prefer guys my own age though.

How about 2 years younger?:

Yes, actually. Jamie was. I felt a bit like a cradle robber - why is that?

What brand of shampoo do you use?:

I change it a lot - if I use the same one for too long my hair goes gunky, even the ones that guarantee no build-up. (Although to be fair, most people don't wash their hair twice a day, or even everyday.) I switch between Timotei with chamomile and amber, Sunsilk Pure Blonde and that Aussie stuff that smells so good. I also have a John Frieda violet shampoo to keep the brassy tones out of my hair...costs a fortune, but it really helps, even with all the red tones I have.

How long is your hair?:

A really annoying length, sort of just above my shoulders. It's not short enough to be chic, nor long enough to be floaty and feminine. I don't know if I should keep growing it or chop it all off again.

If you could change one thing about yourself physically, what would it be?:

*shrugs* Lose weight I guess. Although just generally being healthy...if I could have a choice of being either healthy or thin, what would I choose? I know what the right answer should be, but I don't actually know what I'd pick. That's really bad. *makes a face*

Is there a box of tissues in the room you are in right now?:

No, and I needed some earlier, and then I forgot to get some from downstairs. I'm getting a lot of nosebleeds atm, I don't know why.

What time is it?:

3.07 am, I have to go to sleep. I'll finish this tomorrow.

Is there anything living (plant, animal, etc) in your room right now?:

Not sure. I don't think so, although there could be bugs. Oh, and there's me. :)

What color are the walls in your kitchen?:

Minty green. I think it was called Pure Jade.

Do you have any major plans for today?:

No...I have to stay in for the guy who's coming to read the gas meter. *sigh* If he comes early, I'll do some shopping and go to the gym, but chances are he won't. All they could tell us was "somewhere between 8 and 8.". Very helpful. *rolls eyes*

What kind of deodorant do you use?:

I chop and change a lot; my nose gets too used to them after I use them for more than a couple of months, and then I can't tell what's hot deodorant and what's body odour - both smell equally gross. I have a really sensitive nose, and if I smell even a teeny little bit sweaty I feel horrible, so I switch my deodorant often to keep me smelling fresh, LOL.

What color is your toothbrush?:

Pink and white.

Do you own a digital camera?:

I have a little one, but I want to buy a big fancy one with changeable lenses. Cost a fortune though, so it'll have to be on the HP - either when I get a better job, or when I pay off my bank loan. (August next year. *sigh*)

How old is the cell phone you have right now?:

Nearly three years. I need a new one; this one has scratches all over it so the camera pics come out funny.

What are your initials, using the last letter of each of your names?:

AEHST

Do you know anyone named Tyler?:

I don't think I ever have. There's a guy called Tyler in the book I'm reading though.

How about Reese?:

No. Only Reese Witherspoon. And a couple of book characters.

Diana?:

My nan used to call me Diana. She thought I was Princess Di when she got Alzheimers. There have been a couple in books I've read, but none that I knew personally. I like the name though.

Shelby?:

Never known a Shelby, except in books. (I read a lot of books.)

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with "C"?:

Cameron, Curt, Carl, Craig, Casey, Charlie, Courtenay, a couple of Chrises...blimey, half the guys I've kissed have C names. I don't know why that is.

How about "L"?:

I'm not sure. I can't think of one offhand.

"E"?:

Ellie, LOL.

"B"?:

Ben.

Are both your parents still living?:

Yep. All parents, stepparents and ex-stepparents, present and accounted for.
By the way, just to amuse you, my list of parents and stepparents includes:

- Mom
- Papa (my biological dad)
- Jackie (Papa's partner)
- Alison (Papa's ex-wife; my sisters' mother)
- Daddy Mike (my mom's husband; they've been separated since before I was born but are still technically married - he's my brothers' dad)
- Margaret (Mike's partner)
- Brian (Mom's friend; they used to date and were thinking of marrying at one point, they don't date anymore but he's still a parental figure).

Seven parents. *shrugs*

What was the last thing you cooked?:

I'm not sure. I usually cook two or three times a week, but I didn't do much this week, not feeling well enough to care about food. I think it was stir-fried pork with rice, sugarsnap peas, carrots and sweet potato. Yeah, that was it, about five days ago.

How many times have you moved in your life?:

I'm not sure. I'll try and count.

England:

- Marlborough Rd to Sandridge Rd
- Sandridge Rd to Bernard St
- Bernard St to Papa's house (Spain)

Spain:

- Papa's house (Pou Nou) to John's house (Llumesanas)
- John's house to Nicholas Close (England)

England again:

- Nicholas Close to Francis Ave
- Francis Ave back to Nicholas Close
- Nicholas Close to Acuarius (Spain)

Spain again:

- Acuarius to Azul
- Azul to Ian's house (Sol del Este)
- Ian's house to Papa's house (England)

England again:

- Papa's house (Denewood Rd) to Tony's house (London Rd)
- Tony's house to Nicholas Close

I have moved 13 times in 25 years. That averages more than once every two years. Ouch. The plus side is that we've owned this house (Nicholas Close) since I was about 5, so although we move away and rent it out sometimes for whatever reason, we always come back to it, which is comforting since I hate change.

Do you live within 20 miles of your birthplace?:

I'm not sure actually. I think it's probably a little more than 20 miles, but not much more. I was born in Hammersmith.

Can you do a handstand?:

Sure, if I want to get slapped in the face by a pair of boobs.

Is it after 11 AM?:

Well, it's after 11am yesterday...

What day is it?:

Thursday - or it will be when I wake up. Technically it's already Thursday, but I don't consider it a new day until I've been asleep and woken up. Except on those nights when I don't sleep.

Yay, Grey's Anatomy is on tonight. :)

What's the longest time you've ever spent on the phone?:

Six or seven hours with Oli, in the middle of the night. It's weird, because I don't normally talk on the phone a lot at all, but we went through a phase of a month or two when we would talk all night, several times a week.

How many pairs of brown shoes do you own?:

One. I bought brown loafers with my birthday money, only to find that most of the time my feet are swollen and I can't wear them, Which pisses me off, since they're hand-made Italian leather, and they would have been reeeeeally expensive if I hadn't bought them at TKMAXX.

Are you on any prescribed medications?:

Too many.

What was the date 2 weeks ago from today?:

Don't have a clue, and I'm too lazy to look it up for you.

If you aren't already married, do you expect to be married within 5 years?:

Oh, I don't know. I always thought I would be, but it's really rare for me to find someone I could spend my life with. I've only ever found three people I considered making a lifetime commitment to. And obviously none of them worked out, for one reason or another, because I'm not in a committed relationship right now.
Sometimes I think that I'll end up marrying for convenience and security. There are several guys who would marry me in an instant if I accepted, and of them, I could probably live a happy life with Cam. We're good friends, and we're compatible in bed, and we're very similar in things like neatness and opinions on child-raising. We could make a good life together, despite the fact that he doesn't make my stomach go all wobbly. But I don't know...marriage is forever, or at least I want mine to be. And I don't think you should do something like that if you're not really sure.

That said, three separate psychics told me I'd marry two or three times, so...

How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime?:

Two.

Have you ever been far away from home on your birthday?:

Home is where my Mom is, and for my 18th she was late coming back from Spain. I was at Tony's house, so technically "home", at least at that time - but it didn't really feel like home. It was a pretty sucky birthday: Mom had gotten so sick on the boat that she didn't come over until really late, and Tony and his girlfriend at the time weren't getting along terribly well, and they actually asked me if I could stay out of the house that day so they could have some alone-time, until they realised it was my birthday. So THEY went out instead (although to be fair they asked if I wanted to come, but I was waiting in for Mom, thinking she was going to arrive earlier), and I didn't have any money and there wasn't any food in the house and it was freezing so I spent my 18th birthday in pajamas and a robe (the warmest things I owned), eating stale cereal with apple juice because we didn't have any milk.

That was a rotten birthday. The worst I've ever had, and that includes last year when I got appendicitis. It's a shame it had to be my 18th.

Have you ever had a pet fish?:

I had a goldfish who I named "James Pond, Bubble-0-7" - and then they made a computer game not long after with a character of the same name! I felt so ripped off, LOL. He was a cool fishie though, and he lived for 4 1/2 years. I think that's gotta be a record for a goldfish.

Do you have any tattoos?:

Nope. I keep planning to get one done, but every time I get up my nerve, there's more urgent things to spend the money on.

Would you ever or do you have a nose piercing?:

I'm not sure. Probably not. Doesn't seem very clean. Although they look great on some people, if you get a little tiny one.

If you only had 30 days to live, what would you do?:

Probably exactly what I do nowadays.

News - March 26th

So I'm sitting here on my bed, nicely relaxed for the first time in what feels like months, clean-sheeted, clean-shaven, clean-faced aside from a slight case of panda eyes due to my refusal to use cleanser and toner on my face (I wear mascara so rarely, and anything else comes off easily with Clean & Clear or St. Ives apricot scrub), and since I'm so nicely clean and it's only 23.47 and I don't have anything pressing to do (for once), I decided now might be the time to update you on some things. I know I've owed you guys notes for a long time, and with the lack of internet access here and my limited time at the library - even when I take my own laptop so I'm not on the library's clock, I can only stare at a screen for so long - I haven't been able to update you as regularly as I like.

Although at least I can COME on here when I'm at the library; some of the sites won't let me on at all because they have a filter for adult content. It never once occurred to me before that the filters would apply to my own computer, but apparently they do.

Bastards.

Ahem, sorry. I shouldn't be cursing them, since it's only due to them that I'm able to come on and check my facebook and email and stuff at all. Very few places in this town have free wifi access, although I may try Starbucks; I know a lot of their shops have it.

Anyway, it wasn't until just a couple of days ago that I had the brainwave: I CAN WRITE THE NOTES AT HOME AND THEN COPY-PASTE THEM ONTO FACEBOOK. Duh. Sounds obvious now, innit? But as we know, I can be a bit slow sometimes, so it's taken me until now to figure it out. But hell, it took me two months of no-internet to even realise I could use the library computers in the first place, and several months after that to realise that I could take my laptop in and use the wifi. (I don't think I even knew what wifi was before this. I knew that my laptop was wifi enabled, but I thought that just meant I could use my own network anywhere in the house without cables, I never realised that I could actually use someone else's network without having to download software beforehand. The only previous use I had for public wifi was swapping Pokemon with strangers on my Nintendo DS.)

Anyway.

So I figured, I could use this note to write you a short - or I'll try and keep it short, anyway - update of my life for the last several months.

Living Stuff:

OK. Lodgers. The Italian guy is gone, thank God. One day he just gave in his notice, said he'd be out by the weekend, and left the very next day. Didn't come back for his TV, or his deposit, and didn't leave an address to mail it to (the deposit, not the TV - I can barely even lift the TV). I assume that he went back to Sardinia, since he never stopped complaining about England. Well, good luck to him.

So we interviewed several, and none of them ever rang back, and we were starting to lose hope...and then Lauren appeared. She's been with us for near on five months now, and I kid you not, she is the perfect lodger. Or as close to perfect as they get. She's a really nice person, fresh and sweet as watermelon in summer, and surprisingly easy to live with. She pays her rent on time, doesn't steal, doesn't do drugs, doesn't have wild parties every night, doesn't make a vast amount of mess. (Some mess, but that's just par for the course - she IS eighteen, after all.) And although her boyfriend Chris seems to be living here more often than not, I'd much rather have two nice lodgers (for the price of one) than one obnoxious lodger, so I'm not complaining. Chris actually went to school with me, and I remember his face, but I didn't really know him - he was a couple of years below, and Lord knows I wasn't there all that much. Anyway, both Mom and I get on well with the two of them, so it's working out well. I expect they'll get a place together at some point, but I hope it's not too soon - I really like having them here, and I dread the day that we have to get someone else in, since most lodgers...well, suck. Aside from Lauren and Justyna (who was only here a couple of months), Ali and Brian were the best of the bunch for the last six years or so, and even those two made me slightly uncomfortable due to the monster crushes they seemed to have on me. (Don't ask why, I never managed to explain it.)

But anyway, having Lauren here has pretty much restored my faith in the lodger system.


Health:

Is not good. I got sick on my birthday - it's the birthday curse; I haven't had a birthday in five years when I wasn't so sick I had to stay in bed - and then got the flu right afterwards, and now I have glandular fever (or mono, to you Americans). So I'm off work for a couple of months, which means careful budgeting if I don't want to completely deplete my already-low savings account.

I can't actually remember a time anymore when I felt well.

But that's enough about that.


Dating:

I don't have anyone special in my life right now. Oh, all the guys I know are special in their own way, but I don't have anyone that I could call a boyfriend. Cameron and I don't see each other all that much anymore, and I think we've both finally accepted that we'll never be together as boyfriend-girlfriend. From a practical standpoint, we're very well-suited, but we're also both passionate enough people that we need to be with someone we really have chemistry with, and the chemistry just isn't there for us. It's a shame really, because in all other ways we're perfectly suited.

And ironically, the other guy who's been in and out of my life recently, I have nothing BUT chemistry with. We're great together in the bedroom, and great friends, and totally not suited for romance or everlasting love.

So I'm still just hanging here, waiting. I wish that I could be one of those women who's perfectly happy being a singleton, but I'm just not. I'm contented enough with my life, but I can't see myself living this way forever, and whenever I look into the future I see myself married, probably with children. I can't imagine anything else, honestly. Perhaps some women are happy alone, but I don't feel entirely right, or complete. It's not that I don't feel complete without a man, it's that I don't feel complete without THE RIGHT man. I certainly don't need a man to validate me, or to be my reason for living, but there's a wistfulness in me that makes itself known at certain times, and it's then that I realise that a part of me always feels like it's just waiting, yearning, longing for the right person to come along and make me feel happy and whole. While I'm not unhappy being alone, I certainly prefer being with a person who makes my heart soar and my body sing with joy.

The dragonfly really is the perfect symbol for me. People have been buying me dragonfly things for years, and it's only in the last year or so that I've realised how well it fits me.

Of course, on the other hand, I much prefer being alone to being with the wrong guy, and most of the guys I meet are wrong. Not wrong in themselves, but wrong for me. It's actually really difficult for me to find a guy who I feel right with. I've only met four or five in my life, and I haven't even dated all of them. Of course, I've never really actively looked for a man, either. The ones I've had just sort of fell into my lap. :) I don't know whether this shows faith in destiny and the universe, or just plain laziness.

I did meet a nice guy last week, on the train,, named Ty. I didn't manage to get his number - my station snuck up on me - but he has a lot of friends in the New Greens area, says he spends a lot of time here, so I'll probably run into him at some point.

There was also a really nice waiter tonight. Mom and I went to the Harvester for dinner, and we had the loveliest waiter. I've seen him a couple of times before, and I always mean to ask his name, and I always forget. He's not my usual type - for one thing, he looks a lot like my cousin Nick (hi, Nick), and frankly it just feels weird to be attracted to a guy who looks like your cousin. But "looks like" certainly doesn't equal "is" or even "is like", so where's the harm? I ended up tipping him a fiver for a £25 bill, which was perhaps a little high, but hell, I remember the days when I basically lived on the tips I made waiting tables. It's not like the restaurants ever pay you well. And he was sweet, and friendly, and called me darling, and he smiled with his eyes as well as his mouth. I'm a sucker for guys who smile with their whole face, especially when their eyes crinkle up the way this one's did.

I ate salad, and one of those Cajun chicken burgers - which, strangely enough, has been renamed the Mesquite Burger. (I say strangely because I'm pretty sure that mesquite doesn't grow either in Louisiana, where Cajun people live, or in Nova Scotia, where the original French Acadians came from.) And then half a Rocky Horror. It doesn't sound like such a lot of food, but it felt like it. Although funnily enough, NOW I'm kind of hungry again, even though I only finished eating like two hours ago.

Naturally I couldn't eat it gracefully. I've never been graceful with burgers. It's frustrating, because when I go to a restaurant or to someone's house for dinner, I try so hard to have good table manners. At home it doesn't matter so much, because mostly we eat in front of the TV anyway (we did go through a stage when I insisted on sitting at the table for dinner, and talking about our respective days, but that was back when I was in college and actually had a day to talk about) so it's not so important to be ladylike. But when I'm out, I strive for elegance and grace, and it's irritating when I end up with mayonnaise all over my chin.

I often wish I could be more like Debbie. I bet Debbie has never got mayo all over her chin, or snorted Coke out her nose because someone made her laugh (yeah, I know - you're supposed to snort coke UP your nose, not down - I've heard all the jokes before), and I'm a hundred percent sure that she doesn't have to remove her shirt when she eats chicken fajitas.

Debbie is the epitome of femininity and class. There are many, many ways that I wish I could be like her, not just concerning food. She's everything that I always think a woman should be - elegant without being pretentious, well-manicured but not vain, beautiful but not too flashy. She's a fantastic mother, a fantastic wife, a fantastic cook, a fantastic homemaker. She seems to have limitless energy to do all the things that women do, and to top it all off, she's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I can see why my brother loves her so much - why everyone loves her, really.

I suppose that I hold her in such high regard not just because she's wonderful and nice, but because she seems to me to be the ideal woman, and her pastimes are so very like my own. Like her, I'm naturally a homemaker - I love to cook, and garden, and sew, and I can think of nothing nicer than to have a husband who adores me, and a nice home, and just live a quiet life with my family and my cats and my garden, looking after everyone and making life nice for them. Yet I've never quite figured out how to do this. I don't know if it's because I'm still young, or because I'm so ill, or because I'm selfish enough that I haven't learned yet how to live with other people, or some combination of the three. I want a boyfriend, and eventually a husband, but I haven't learned the art of compromise. Despite my genetic legacy, part of me wants children, even if I choose to adopt instead, but a large part of me is scared that I'm too selfish by nature to be a good mother, that I'll never be happy if I have to live a life where someone else comes first. And I've been ill for so long that I don't enjoy things the way I used to. Even the things that I like doing seem like huge chores these days. I've always loved cooking, but I don't have the energy to do it most days, or to work in the garden, or make up the herbal medications and bath products that used to take up so much of my time. And when friends want to see me, a lot of the time I find myself wishing I could stay home and sleep or read instead. About the only things that I force myself to do as much as I used to are work and go to the gym. And even the gym's been sporadic for the last few months.

I hope and pray that one day I'll recover, and things will seem fun again. I don't want you to think that I live a life of misery or anything. I don't feel unhappy most of the time. I just feel...tired. Listless. Apathetic. The way you feel when you're at either the beginning or the tail end of a nasty flu, or when you don't sleep one night and then have to go to work early the next day, except I feel that way all the time.

But I live in hope that I'll get better - perhaps when we finally make the move to a warmer, drier climate - and then I can be a happy homemaker, as well as taking better care of my looks and wearing nice clothes and being altogether feminine.

Of course, I'll never be quite like Debbie. I'm harder, for one thing. More cynical, more prickly. Debbie is an English country garden, all roses and lupins and foxgloves, petunias and hollyhocks and sweet alyssum. I'm not saying that she's not tough - she has a lot of inner strength. But there's also a softness and a sweetness about her that I don't have. People think that I have it, but it's mostly an illusion. I, like my status says, am a child of the desert and scrubland, a child of creosote and mesquite and joshua trees, of gorse and heather and many kinds of cacti, and bougainvillea and oleander and night jasmine are about as close as I get to flowering. There's nothing soft about the desert, but it has its own beauty. A stark beauty, to be sure, but it's there.

And if sometimes I yearn to be soft and sweet like a cottage garden - well, you guys are the only ones who know about it.

It's funny, though, that people think of me as being soft and feminine. There's that side of me that's cheerful and innocent and girlish and as wholesome and all-American as apple pie, and that's the side that people seem to remember. They forget my logical mind, and the way I overanalyse everything, and my lack of emotion, and the fact that I'm too cerebral for my own good a lot of the time. All they remember is a girl who hugs everyone, and smiles easily, and loves quickly, and laughs often, and never lets anything get her down for long.

I suppose there are worse ways to be remembered.

Well, this note didn't turn out exactly the way I meant it to be, but it's well enough. I got the main news to you, and I'll keep you updated when I can.

Deeper

Who would suspect that the guy at your high school who was drafted for the national Under-18s football league when he was still in 9th grade, and was named Athlete of the Year by the town's sporting council, feels that all his accomplishments are worthless because he doesn't have the academic skills of his brother and sister?

Who would guess that the sunny, happy cheerleader who grew up into a sunny, happy teacher-stroke-social worker, and who has always walked with a lightness in her step as though she's never had a worry in her life, lost a boyfriend to suicide at 15, was raped at 21 and has been known, on occasion, to have conversations with dead people?

Every day I hear people pleading, with each other and with themselves: Look Deeper. Yet all too often these deeper looks are confined to those of us who already throw their pain out in front for all of us to see.

Some people choose to hide their pain, and others choose to work through it in their own time, privately, rather than wearing it on their sleeve like a badge of honour. But it's there. The fact that some people cope with it differently doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

The woman next to you on the bus - the one with the great handbag and the brilliant smile - she has her own demons to battle, just like you do.

And for all you know, she could easily be the one whose journal you're reading now.

Don't be fooled by what you want to see. Look deeper. Or move along, and don't look at all.