Monday 22 March 2010

Oh Look, Another Quiz Thingie!

Stole this one from Nye. :)

1. Three days from now, will you be a in relationship?

It's doubtful.

2. What color are your eyes?

Right now they're sort of gray-blue. For some reason they're coming out green in photos, though.

3. What does your second text say, and who's it from?

"lol well find one you like and send away!!" (From Tommy Wieder, in response to me saying that I'd figured out how to send picture messages but I hated all the photos of me.)

4. How do you think your latest ex feels about you?

Well, he admitted to me the other day that he doesn't care about me, which why he's now ex-friend as well as ex-boyfriend. It still stings a bit, since I thought we were good friends. *shrug*

5. Do you like what you see in the mirror?

Meh, I look alright, but I need to lose fifty pounds.

6. What are you listening to right now?

Harry Belafonte - Land of the Sea and Sun

7. What were you doing 46 seconds ago?

Looking through my text messages, wondering if I should delete the dodgy ones in case someone gets hold of my phone.

8. What are your plans for this weekend?

Weekend's over, but I want to watch the Pineapple Dance Studios thing tonight, and write up some of my Japanese notes. (Yeah, like that'll happen.)

9. Who is your best friend?

I don't currently have one. Tommy is the person I talk to the most, probably, but I hesitate to call him my best friend since he's so far away and all.

10. How is your room looking?

Clean, but I need new furniture. I found the bedside tables I want in a shop in town, and they're £55 each, so I can buy one (or both) of those on Tuesday when I get my next paycheck. Then I need two bookcases, a dressing table and a chest of drawers, and then I'm done. I think. It's gonna take awhile to come up with the money for those things, though.

11. Ask anything ridiculous lately?

Probably.

12. What are you doing tomorrow?

I should probably start cleaning out my drawers, I try to do that once a season.

13. What is your display name?

Sati-Marie Frost - Sandy

14. What are you wearing right now!

A pale yellow chiffon babydoll which is unfortunately too small in the boobies, and yellow string panties. The babydoll has a rose between the boobs, and a handkerchief hemline that falls down in lovely waves over my thighs (used to be my knees, but I grew) and I look like a daffodil.

15. What were you most looking forward to today?

Taking a bath and shaving my legs tonight, there wasn't enough hot water earlier. (I live with three teenagers, LOL.)

16. How is your hair?

Extremely annoying, until it grows out I can't really do anything with it, so I mostly put it up in a high ponytail.

17. As of today, do you like anyone?

Like like, or crush like?

I like most people I know. I have about six crushes that I can think of right now, but I could prolly come up with a couple more given time.

19. Have you ever stayed awake for 48 hours?

I was awake for 72 hours when I had my last ear infection. It resulted in bizarre hallucinations and not being able to remember my brother's wedding (which happened during that time), so I try not to do it often.

20. Did you stay friends with your ex?

Which one? Some, yes. Some, no.

21. Do you like your first name?

Meh, it's OK. I don't much like getting marriage proposals from guys I've never met because of it, but it's OK. Kind of sucks being named after a book though. Although I wouldn't mind so much if it were, like, a NORMAL book.

22. Do you like to cuddle?

Absolutely!

23. What are your initials?

SMECF

24. Ever been skinny dipping?

Oh sure, loads. I used to do it every day in Spain, except during tourist season. Did it once in Greece too, but people stole our clothes and it took ages to find them. But in Menorca, it was great. For several months, we lived in this little apartment in Sol del Este, right on the sea, and I'd walk along the cliffs every day and swim off the rocks with no clothes on. It was very amusing when the glass-bottom boat trips came by my area, and I'd wave to them. :D

25. Do you want someone back?

There are times when I miss each of my exes, and want them back. But most of the time, I'm rational about it, and realise that if it didn't work out the first time there's no reason it'll work out now.

There is one person who I never really had a chance with, or more accurately, had several chances with but screwed everything up due to bad timing and fear. I'd sort of like another chance with that person, but probably it'd be better if we stay friends.

26. What is your biggest fear?

Throwing up is the only thing I'm scared of.

27. What is one thing you have learned this year?

That I can seduce a man with words, but the fact that I CAN doesn't mean I SHOULD.

28. Are you from a small town?

I'm not even sure where I'm "from" anymore. I guess St. Albans, but I still half-think of Menorca as home.

30. Why do people continue to smoke when they know the effects of it?

Some people think it's romantic to self-destruct?

31. What color are the curtains in your room?

I don't have any up right now. I have a couple pairs of white ones - one white velvet, one white cotton with broderie trim - but I need to drill some holes and buy a curtain rod. Yet another expense. *sigh* I have to do it, though, because the sun's waking me up most mornings now that summer's coming.

34. Eyeliner or mascara?

I don't often wear either, but eyeliner more. I already have people asking me where I bought my false lashes, even when I'm wearing neither mascara nor falsies, so I save the mascara for clubbing, which I do rarely these days.

35. Do you have siblings?

One brother, four sisters. Plus Lori and Ryan, who FEEL like my brother and sister.

36. What color pants are you wearing?

Yellow.

38. What kind of food is your favorite?

Mexican, Thai, Italian if it's done well, Indian now and then.

39. Can you whistle?

Sure, I don't think I know anyone who can't.

40. What was the last movie you watched?

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. I didn't see all of it though.

41. What color is your coat?

For winter I have a long black wool coat and a very old cream (although more yellow, now) ski jacket. I often end up stealing Mom's 3/4-length cream wool though, it looks nicer than mine. But the weather's not cold enough for those at the moment, so I have a knee-length beige suede that's as soft as butter, and a cropped white linen jacket, and a short navy blue velvet in the military-style that was so popular a couple years ago, and a long thin denim, and a short boxy denim, and an enormous navy blue hoodie with "NYPD" on the back, for if I'm feeling sloppy. :)

I love jackets and coats, and have way more than I need...and yet I always seem to need more. What I really need right now is a black jacket for spring and autumn.

43. If you were pregnant, would you want it to be a boy or girl?

Oh crap, the very idea of being pregnant scares the bejeezus outta me. The psychics all say I'll have a boy and a girl, though. Maybe twins.

44. Would you ever get a noticeable tattoo?

Maybe, if I can work up a better pain tolerance. And, you know, MONEY. Maybe Ricky will design one for me!

45. Are you wearing shoes?

Not on my bed.

46. What is the temperature?

Getting chilly. It was nice earlier, though.

47. Have you ever been to counseling?

Yes, many times. My mother is a psychologist and through most of my childhood had a habit of dispensing counselling and various therapies the same way most mothers give out Calpol and Band-Aids.

Funnily enough, I'm in therapy now, and it's the first time I've ever gone of my own accord.

48. Are you annoyed right now?

Not particularly, but I'm glad this quiz is over, I need to pee.

49. What kind of cell phone do you have?

Just bought a pink Samsung Tocco Lite.

50. Why did they make this a 49-question quiz?

Laziness, pure and simple! If they're going to make a quiz, they should have been able to think of a 50th question!

Wednesday 17 March 2010

Circles In The Sand

There are certain birds that make a nest, lay their eggs, and draw a circle in the sand or dust around their nest. When the chicks hatch out, occasionally one will fall out of the nest, and out of the circle, and even if it's right there, a foot or two away, the mother bird will ignore it. Everything inside the circle is to be protected, and everything outside is fair game.

Some birds exhibit this behaviour more than others, but most are capable of it. People, too. As humans, we draw our own circles, although ours are more metaphorical than literal. We pick and choose who to care about and who to ignore. We have to, because it's not either physically or emotionally possible to care about everyone we meet. I actually wrote about this subject awhile ago, in a note called
The Desensitization of Humanity, where I mused on the idea that perhaps our salvation lies not in caring about each and every person, but in mourning the fact that we can't.

More and more, though, I'm finding that people I know - and people I don't know, and have only seen in passing - are displaying disturbing tendencies to make those circles tighter. Circles that used to encompass a couple of dozen people, even a couple hundred, have slowly been shrinking until they're circles for an elite few. Circles of two. Circles of one. People stop caring, because it's hard. Because they feel like they don't get enough back. Because they're so wrapped up in their own pain. Or sometimes just because they get so caught up in one person, that nobody else in the world seems worth the bother. They get tunnel vision, and can't see past that person, or past their pain, or past their cynicism about whether people are worth the energy they take. And so their world shrinks.

More and more, I'm meeting people who believe that people are generally not worth it. A select few, sure, but not Humanity in general. Maybe this is due to the large proportion of my friends and family who are male Capricorns, because the average Cappie personality certainly is the poster-child for what I think of as the "pie" theory of love: that there's a finite amount, and the more people you have to spread it between, the less each person gets.

But it's certainly not just affecting young Capricorns: it's a phenomenon that appears to be spreading to most people I know, regardless of age or race or gender or personality type. All too often, I'm finding that people I know and trust - or knew, and trusted - are becoming colder, harder, more cruel. They give so much love to those few friends and family members, they stop caring about everyone else. And they're so desperate to keep those one or two people they love safe and close, that almost without realising they start putting up defenses that bomb the hell out of anyone who comes close to them. And when someone gets hurt, even someone who doesn't deserve it, then sure, it's regrettable, but it's really just collateral damage.

Because as we all know, life is a war, and we're all soldiers, right? *sigh*

Some of my friends tell me I should just let it go. It's human nature. This is the way things are. Nobody can care about everyone, nobody should even try, so I should be glad to have half a dozen people I can call friends, who I'll go to the mattresses for, and who'll do the same for me.

Except I can't do that. Because I care. I don't just care about friends and family. I care about the 15-year-old who lives with me and the women in the Co-Op and the mailman and the bus drivers and the bratty little kids down the road who are always trampling my flowerbeds and stealing my newspapers. I don't care about my rapist, but I do feel sorry for his family. I care whether my taxi driver's son gets into uni and whether the Big Issue seller has enough to eat and if the people who serve me in shops are having a nice day. I care about friends and strangers, and everyone inbetween. And I don't think that collateral damage is OK.

I'm not saying that I care about all people equally. That way lies madness. But I do care. I will ALWAYS care, and I can't apologize for that. I WON'T apologize for that.

I don't think it's OK to be cynical about everything in the world. I don't think that people are meant to be that way. I don't think that life should be lived like we're at war. And while I didn't want to get religious in this note, I have to add that if there IS an afterlife that's reserved for good people, I don't think you get there by going to church and volunteering on Sundays and knowing your holy books back to front. I think grace is earned by not hurting others, even when you're hurting inside. By trying to be pleasant, even when you don't feel like it. By being kind to not only the people you care about, but also the people who care about you.

This started out as a calm, collected comment on human behaviour, and somehow it's morphed into a heartfelt plea to all of you. Please. Don't throw people away. Don't assume that because a person isn't "the one," they can't be important to you. Don't become one of those people who thinks that people don't matter.

Don't let your circles get smaller.

Saturday 13 March 2010

Misty Watercolour Pictures Of The Way We Will - Could - Be

Funny how memories hit you. One moment you're lying there in bed, almost asleep, and the next moment you're catapulted into a vision so strong you feel like you're actually there.

You and I were driving together last night. It was a glorious day, balmy but not too hot. It was an exciting day, too, because you'd finally bought the car you'd been wanting since you were a kid, and we'd taken off early from our respective workplaces so we could go pick it up and take it for a spin. I don't exactly understand cars, but I have to admit it's a beautiful machine - sleek and low, with gentle curves and paint of a deep cerulean blue, and an engine that purrs like a contented tiger. We've put the top down and we're driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, no plans for the day, not really going anywhere in particular, just driving around with the wind in our hair, smiling and laughing with the pure joy of being alive and not needing to be anywhere else but here.

Roy Orbison comes on the radio, singing "I Drove All Night," and I sneak a look at you from under my eyelashes to find that you're looking back at me. I should reprimand you for watching me instead of the road, but instead I laugh, because in that moment we're so very connected that I know exactly what you're thinking. I know that, despite the fact that we made no plans beyond picking up the car, we both know just how the rest of the day will go. The sun's getting lower in the sky, and in an hour or so we'll finish our drive at that little Italian place by the sea that we both like. We'll eat pasta and garlic bread and drink Nastro Azzurro on a terrace outside while we watch the sun set over the ocean. We'll linger over dinner for a couple hours, not hurrying, just enjoying the ambiance and the food and each others company, and then we'll drive home.

At home, I shower while you potter around in the kitchen. When I emerge from the shower, you're not in the kitchen anymore, but I know exactly where to find you, so I put on a pair of slippers and a light robe and pad outside to the pool. You're there, lying back on one of the loungers, a half bottle of wine and two glasses beside you, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole playing at a low volume on the CD player, and I stand and watch you for several minutes before you see me. I can't help but watch, because it's such a perfect, peaceful picture. When you see me, you smile, and pour me a glass of wine, and I settle down on the lounger next to you. Silences are companionable with you and me. We don't always need to fill them with talk, and right now we're happy to just sit there, sipping our wine and reveling in the beauty of the house and the night. After a little while, you put your wine aside and take my hand, and you smile at me, and you kiss me, and we naturally move into each others arms, dancing slowly on a patio under the stars, while the breeze rustles the bougainvillea plants and the scents of oleander and night jasmine weave a sensual spell around us.

Saturday 6 March 2010

This Sucks Big Monkey Balls

Today I made the somewhat-depressing discovery that somehow, somewhere along the line since 2006, I got fat. I used to be pleasantly curvy, even plump, but somehow I have become fat.

*sigh*

I don't know how I never noticed this before. I guess because I've ALWAYS seen myself as being fat, even when I was actually quite slim. And I look in the mirror every day, so it's been hard to see the changes. But I bought a new phone today, with a fairly decent camera on it (not great, I can't afford great, but it's good enough) and I now have to admit the horrible truth: the fact that I can't take a good picture isn't to do with the horrible cheap cameras I was using, it's just ME.

According to my dietician, and my gynaecologist, and several specialists, being on a diet for 21 years has slowed my metabolism down to a point where even an 800-calorie-a-day diet is making me fat, and my twice and three-times-weekly gym visits are just not cutting it anymore.

I haven't quite figured out what to do about this, how to attack it, although I know that I have to do SOMETHING. I cut out potato chips after Christmas, and I thought that would help, but it doesn't seem to have. Chocolate is next, as soon as Easter's past, and then I think it's going to have to be bread and pasta. Dammit, I love sandwiches. They're so easy. *big sigh*

But it has to be done, and I always do what has to be done.

I need to work out a gym plan, and stick to it, even when it's raining and cold. I really miss my car, though. I'm quite happy to go to the gym and work out until I'm exhausted...I'm just not happy to come out of the gym and wait for 50 minutes in the cold rain for a bus that doesn't come, which is most of the time in my town. So a lot of the time I don't go.

I'll work it out. Soon, I hope. Anyway, I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday 3 March 2010

Places Aren't Haunted, People Are Haunted

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling--my darling--my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea--
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

- Edgar Allan Poe -


Shit. It's Julian. The guy I mentioned in the last note, the one I know but don't know how I know...he reminds me of Julian. Same eyes. Same arms. Same shape of the jaw, same way of pursing his lower lip when he's concentrating on something. After writing the note on context, I dreamed about the two of them, and they kept morphing into one another. I need to chat up the current guy, see what his last name is, and if he has any relatives who might overlap with the Hayes / Hausach family. *sigh* Or I could just go ask Marina or Juliet, but then I'd actually have to, you know, talk to them.

You can't see or hear me, but I'm cursing a blue streak in every language I know, and that's quite a few.

This is so unfair. Not only do I have my sleep disturbed at least two nights in seven - and sometimes more - by fricking DEAD PEOPLE, now I'm also finding live people who remind me of dead ones. I really don't know what's wrong with me - all I know is that for the last year or so, I've been preoccupied with death - more than usual, I mean - and it's driving me fucking nuts.

Tuesday 2 March 2010

Context

Sometimes you see a person, or a thing, and you know you know it / them, but you can't figure out WHY. I reckon this is at least partially because you're not seeing them in the context you're used to. It's like on Sex and the City, when Carrie was dating that Russian guy (Alexander? Was that his name?) and I went, "Hmm, I've seen him in something before, but I can't figure out what". And it wasn't until I'd watched three or four episodes with him in that I jumped up and went, "Holy smokes! That's Baryshnikov." Because I'd never seen him act, didn't even know he was an actor - I'd only ever seen him dance before, so it didn't enter my mind that it could be him.

Last semester in Japanese class, we were doing an exercise that involved a company called ABC Foods, and when I heard the name I cracked up laughing. Everyone wanted to know why I laughed, and I couldn't tell them, because I didn't really know - all I knew is that I'd heard the term "ABC foods" before, and the context in which I heard it was funny, but I couldn't quite place the actual event in my head. I just knew it wasn't anything to do with Japanese class, or a company with that name. And then a couple weeks ago one of my kids brought HER kids into the center, and I made them PBJs while their mom went to chat with a friend, and when they were eating and making faces at each other, it came back to me. Of course. ABC food. Already Been Chewed. *rolls eyes*

There are a couple people in my life right now - and I use "in my life" in the loosest possible terms; one of them is very much in my life and another is just on the fringes, while a couple more are somewhere in the middle - who bother me. It's nothing that they do, just a nagging feeling that I know them, and a rush of emotion when I see them or talk to them. It's very bizarre, because although I often get a feeling that I know a person, rarely has it been strong in the past, whereas any recent events have been very strong indeed. One of them is a close friend, and we've come to the mutual conclusion that our emotional connection is down to spiritual destiny. Hell, if the reasoning works for him, I'm not gonna argue, and he could well be right. But another one...well, I don't know him well enough to talk to him about destiny or emotions, and he told me on the first day (after I asked) that he didn't think we'd met before.

And yet I know him. I just can't figure out HOW I know him, because the context is all wrong. *sigh*

I can only hope that at some point in the future, I either forget about him, or something happens and I get a flash of memory that says I've seen this event before, and then I can finally think, "Of course, this is how I know you. From this moment."

...And that's all you're getting from me today. Do forgive the slightly-fevered quality of this note; I've been stuck in bed for a week with a horrendous cold (and possible strep throat) and today was the first day I actually felt vaguely human, but evidently my brain still isn't back to normal. (If you need any more evidence, I just mis-spelled "you're", and put "your" instead, and I haven't done that since I was toddling around in diapers.)