Sunday 28 November 2010

Ugh, Going Offline For A While

Chances are I won't be online much, if at all, until next Saturday - Dec 4th. Computer probs.

It's really a pain, since I have plenty of things to say! And most likely, by the time I'm back I won't remember them.
:P

But feel free to drop by, and I'll catch up with you next week.

Big hugs. xx

Thursday 25 November 2010

What Are You Thankful For?

I need some quick replies to this post from my friends (and anyone else who cares to answer) if you can. I should have posted it last night, but I was shattered. If you're all willing to play, I'll post the whole thing tomorrow.

At Thanksgiving my family sits round the table and says what we're thankful for. Pretty standard, right? But I was talking to my best friend the other day, and somehow the subject came up that I always seem to be thankful more for the things that affect other people than the things that affect me. And he teased me a lot for it, and I tried my best to defend myself, but truth is, it didn't fly. He's totally right, I AM more thankful for other people's stuff.

So, this year, in addition to the things in my own life, I'm making a list of all the good things that have happened to my friends and loved ones, that I can send up thanks for. And that includes YOU, dearest readers. I want to know what's made you happy recently. What's made a good change in your life. What's filled you with joy and lit up the world for you. What's made you smile. Anything, big or little, as long as you don't mind it being put up on here, and on my FB blog, and read out over the table at the Frost household for all to see and hear.

And if this doesn't reach you in time, never fear, I'll be doing it again at New Years.

Love and light to you all.

Wednesday 24 November 2010

The Bulimic And The Emetophobe, Who'd Have Thought?

Doesn't sound quite like a match made in heaven, does it?

I was talking last night, with a friend I feel I've gotten close to in the last couple months, and he confessed several of his deep dark secrets to me. Including the fact that he's been struggling with bulimia for the last couple years.

(Yes, kiddies, men get eating disorders too - more now than they ever did, although they're still not catching up to the women.)

Now, if there were one thing that a person could tell me that I'd expect would make me back off and think, "Ummm, okay...yeah, I really think I don't want to get involved with you," bulimia would be it. (Other than, y'know, a penchant for murder or arson or bestiality or raping young girls / boys or...okay, there are several things that would make me back off - but bulimia would be high up on the list.) Petrified of throwing up here, remember? Only thing in the world I'm scared of aside from bugs hatching out of my skin - any of this ringing any bells for y'all? Yeah. I'm the type of person who'll spend my savings on a hotel room if one of the kids comes home with food poisoning, let alone something contagious like norovirus.

Yet he hasn't put me off. All I can think of is how brave he is for dealing with everything he's gone through in his life, and how much I wish he hadn't had to deal with it in the first place, and how I hope for wonderful things for him, and want to help make his life better - even if I can only do a teensy weensy bit for him.

I think I can call this progress on the road to maturity, don't you?

And that's my offering for today. My ear infection has me constantly dropping off to sleep.

What "secret" would put you off a person if you found out? What would give you more respect for them?

Monday 22 November 2010

Thankfulness

[The top two paragraphs here have been removed, for the same reason as the last post.]

I think I'm done talking about this for now. I talked to Kurisu-san for about two hours today, plenty of it about this subject, and now that I know I can talk to him I won't have to bore you guys with it anymore. Except maybe occasional updates.

I find it really nice that out of a monster crush has sprung a really nice friendship. I don't have a great deal of platonic male friends these days; a lot of the ones I used to have have either mostly dropped out of my life because girlfriends didn't approve, or have expressed interest in being more than friends, or I've started to become interested in them. Admittedly I AM still interested in Kurisu-san, but he has a girlfriend (not the same one he was with before) and their relationship seems pretty solid, and that's fine by me. And because we've never even got close to getting physical, the fact that I find him extremely attractive doesn't detract from the friendship, as long as I know that the attraction can't go anywhere.

He sent me some music today, that he'd composed recently. It was pretty awesome, and he's really glad that I liked it because he feels like it's his best piece so far. He doesn't feel that he's very good, but I think he's got a lot of talent, and the potential to be something great. The music was wonderful, Japanese-sounding electric guitar riffs and a sort of twinkling bell-like sound running through the whole thing that made listening to it feel just like watching the moon over the ocean in October. He titled it "Moonlight," too, so I think that was the imagery he was hoping for.

There was supposed to be an image here, but I can't get it to show up!

He said he's composed another one that's very Japanese-sounding, but he hasn't recorded it yet, so I'm really looking forward to hearing that.

I have another freakin' ear infection, which is really annoying me. This morning it twinged a bit; by the early afternoon it was agony. I have drops left from the last time, but they're not working yet. And the PMS pain in my kidney area is still not great. Plus I have general aches and pains, from not getting to the gym since Wednesday. Aside from that, I don't feel too bad right now. I was in kind of a cruddy mood earlier, what with the divorce stuff, and knowing that LOML was going through hell trying to figure out when and how to tell his Mom, but talking to K made me feel a lot better. We look at the world in very similar ways, and he always manages to make me laugh. Even when most of the conversation is serious.

Plus he understands the pain and irritation of having a stalker, which isn't something that a lot of people I know can understand.

So yes, I'm very grateful to have a guy like him in my life. He's one of those truly nice, caring, genuinely awesome people that I don't meet as often as I'd like. There doesn't appear to be an ounce of malice in him, and how many people can you say that about? And yet he does have a bit of a wicked sense of humor, and can be quite naughty sometimes.

My life is full, right now. Full of sickness, full of drama, full of money worries, full of too much crap that needs to be done, and takes more hours than I have available - but also full of really great people, and that pretty much makes up for the rest.

Sunday 21 November 2010

Just A Short Update...

[This post has been removed. I was shooting my mouth off again, talking about my friends' personal lives, and even though I never mentioned names, I'm still fairly sure that they wouldn't like me doing that. It seems kind of unfair to me - I am entwined enough with them that I consider their problems to be my problems, particularly when it comes to LOML - but what can you do?]

Saturday 20 November 2010

I Am Right, Right, Right And You Are Wrong, Wrong, Wrong

Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps

you from the pawn shop

- e.e. cummings -

I was going to quote Ayn Rand instead of e.e. cummings, but honestly, I hate Ayn Rand, and I have another post to write in a couple of days (when I'm a bit calmer), on another situation entirely, that seems to merit that particular quote more.

I had this post all written out in my head when I was in the bath - I do my best thinking in the bath - and now a lot of it's gone. Dammit. You'll have to forgive me if my thoughts don't flow as well as they should.

Today, Sati is going to tell you a couple of stories. They're true stories. And I'm no Aesop, or even Scheherezade, but I think that there are things that can be learned from them. There is some humor in them, in hindsight, but at the time they could have been quite serious.

The first is a tale from about five years ago, when I was just out of my teens and had been working at my current workplace for about four years. I work in Dagenham - for anyone who doesn't know London, that's a fairly rough area just outside the city proper (technically in Essex, but I still consider it London, as do most people I know) - and for the whole time I've been working there, my mother and most of my friends have been worried about me getting hurt, as I have to deal with the seedier side of life on a fairly regular basis. However, the only physical violence I've ever personally experienced while working came completely out of the blue, not from a drug addict or a gang member or an angry parent, but from a fairly "good" (albeit hasty) girl at work who is now a friendly acquaintance. This is a story about that time.

I tend to go by the title of youth worker, but this can mean a number of things. In turns, I am mother, big sister, cook, maid, counsellor, nurse, legal advocate, bodyguard. My duties include running a telephone helpline for kids who need either someone to listen or practical help (like someone to organize somewhere new to live if they have to leave home / a lawyer if they've gotten themselves into trouble / a lift home if they got dumped by their date / etc), giving talks on the physical effects of STDs, counselling rape victims, basic cooking, cleaning, baking treats, organising parties, helping with homework and / or tutoring, acting as an advocate if parents are being abusive, filling in forms for college applications / citizenship / EMA (Education Maintenance Allowance - money that 16-18 year olds from poor families are given by the government if they stay in full-time education and go to all their classes) and teaching basic life skills, amongst other things. On this particular day I was working with five boys who had either recently moved out of their parents' home or were planning to do so soon, and we were having a pretty good time - in the morning I'd taught them how to make vegetable soup and chicken stir-fry with rice, and in the afternoon we'd moved onto washing and ironing clothes. We were walking down the back hall, away from the laundry room, and I was talking, and the next thing I knew a hand was flying out from somewhere and hitting me smack bang on my nose, and a girl's voice was screaming obscenities at me.

It hurt a lot, and bled like a mofo, and I blacked out for a few minutes. When I came around I wasn't sure what the hell had happened, and could only assume that I'd run into something. And then I remembered the fist and the yelling, but still wasn't sure what was going on. So we all tramped into Paul's (that's my boss) office, with a girl I vaguely knew glaring at me the whole time and occasionally shouting, and got it sorted out. To cut a long story short, I'd been talking to my boys (who were mostly Black; only about 20% of the kids where I work are white) about how to wash their clothes properly, and she hadn't heard any of the conversation except me saying something about how important it is to keep whites and coloureds separate. That hit a button for her, and so she hit me, thinking that she was defending people from me.

I can look back on this now and laugh, but at the time it hurt. It hurt physically - I fractured my nasalis bone and had a black eye for two weeks; luckily the nose didn't get pushed out of joint enough to need it reset, but I still have a noticeable lump that you can see in my old profile photo:



It also hurt emotionally. Having my motives called into question was painful, but what was more painful was knowing that *I* hurt someone enough, with my words, to push them to react with physical violence - even if my words were taken in a different way to how I meant them, and it was just a big misunderstanding.

Poor communications can do this sometimes. As individuals, we are never fully able to see through another person's eyes, and this can lead us to misunderstand what they mean. We hear something, and for whatever reason - we don't like the person it comes from, we're overzealous in what we perceive as being the defense of a friend, maybe we're just having a bad day - we decide that they mean something unkind by it. And rather than asking straight out, what did you mean by that? a lot of us prefer to raise our hackles and go into "defense mode" - which ends up being more of an attack mode, because we're defending ourselves against an imagined enemy.

Sometimes I hear the recurring drama on the blogs as being referred to as a blog war. I dislike this term, because I think that anyone who's ever seen a real war (and I haven't been in a military war, but I have been on the streets of Peckham and Hackney and Brixton back in 2007-8, when kids were getting killed in turf wars every week) would find it an offensive comparison. Yet there is some truth in the term. One of the things that I believe is central to just about every war the modern world has seen is that both sides think that God is on their side. Substitute the words "truth" or "righteousness" for "God" and you have a similar situation here now. Everyone who's been involved in this conflict, including me, thinks that the people they know and like are right and reasonable, and the people who dislike them, or who they dislike, are acting unfairly and wrongly.

The people on here who I call friends, or friendly acquaintances, have never been anything but kind to me. I've rarely seen them be anything but kind to anyone. Yet I understand that not everybody sees things this way. Some of the people that I like are hated by others. And some of the people I dislike are well-loved. This goes for real life, too: the woman who did her best to singlehandedly ruin my life has tons of friends and the love of a man who I have a lot of affection and admiration for. She's a nurse and a Christian, and she does plenty of volunteer work. And, in my eyes, she's nuts. To her friends and lovers, she's a great person, but to me she will always be the person who stalked me all over the internet, leaving increasingly vile comments on my Facebook and MySpace profiles and, more seriously, my college site blog - resulting in me losing my job as blog representative for my college and subsequently, since I could no longer afford tuition without the staff discount, dropping out of school.

So is she a good woman, or a psycho? Which of these is the truth? Does it even matter? I suppose it does, but I don't think I'll ever get an answer. Some people will always love her, and I will always dislike her. Our respective truths are not compatible. Maybe one day she'll do something to cause Oli to realise that she has a cruel streak, and maybe he'll never see her in that way. Sometimes we simply cannot see a situation from another person's perspective, no matter how hard we try. In these cases, we need to step away from the person. Yes, it hurts when you see someone who you feel is manipulating people getting adored for it. It hurts when we see something that offends our sense of rightness and fair play, and other people don't see it. It hurts, and it makes us angry. Believe me, I understand the anger - over the last month I've seen things that have me seething, and no matter how I tell myself it isn't important - it FEELS important. It feels WRONG.

Yet from a practical standpoint, there is very little that can be gained from stirring things up. It doesn't matter whether you honestly believe that you are righteously defending your friends, or whether you just enjoy your anger too much. (And IMO, there are people on the blogs who fall into both camps.) Flaming a person who you feel deserves it may feel good at the time, may even appear to have some benefits in the short-term, but when it comes to the long-term, who are you really helping? What purpose are you serving, except to perpetuate the anger? Are you educating people about the unfairness that runs rampant on here? Maybe. But maybe not. The way you feel about particular people and situations is real to you, but it is subjective. Some people will agree with you, and therefore don't need convincing - and others will never see what you see, and will defend their friends' honor till their dying breath. These people you cannot get through to.

It's getting late, and I'm rambling. So just a few other points I'd like to make, and a few to reiterate:

~ TRUTH and OPINION are not synonymous.

~ If someone sees something different to you, it doesn't mean that they're blind or naive, just that they're different.

~ If someone is friends with someone you dislike, it doesn't necessarily make them a follower or a pawn. Not everyone is friends with someone because they need something from them - sometimes they just LIKE them. I get that some people don't want to be friends with people who have friends that they don't like. Bearing in mind that everyone is going to know SOMEONE you dislike - or at least someone who knows someone who knows someone - I don't agree with it, but I get it. Fine. Decide for yourself how many degrees of separation you can live with. A word of advice, though: if you can't live with any less than five or six degrees of separation between you and your enemies, you're probably going to have a very lonely world.

~ If you are going to block someone from your blog, you also need to block them from your words, and at least attempt to block them from your thoughts. Banning someone and then blogging about them all the time is senseless, and IMO, it's dishonorable. Make a choice: either allow someone the option to explain their words and actions and attempt to change your opinion of them if they're so inclined, or excise them from your life. There is a reason for the saying, "Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil." If you do not want to see or hear someone, do not speak about them.

~ If trouble seems to follow you, ask yourself what YOU could do differently. It is easier to change your behavior than to constantly keep changing your surroundings. This is not a matter of who is to blame for the trouble, rather a matter of what changes can be made to improve the situation. And if you cannot come up with anything that you think you could change about youself - ask yourself why.

~ A person who can admit that they were wrong is brave, but a person who can admit that they were wrong and leave up the post that they regret making is braver by a dozen times. Far too many of us remove things that we have written, as though by removing the post we can rewrite history to make ourselves appear cleaner and better than we really were. By all means, write an addendum to the post that says you feel differently now, and regret saying what you said, but don't pretend you didn't say it.

~ Remember that nobody ever regretted their compassion, even when it was misplaced or unmerited.

Finally, I point all of you to my signature. Not to the post link - although if you want to read that, that's fine - but to the quote. Be the change you want to see. James told me that, and it's something that I try to remember every day.

Friday 19 November 2010

How Do You Know When It Stops Being Worth It?

So, I talked to LOML. He's having marital problems. I don't want to go into them here.

I don't even know what to say to that. Oh hell, what to do? Do I go for self-preservation, and try to stay away from him, or do I remain his friend since he so desperately needs one (scratch that - he doesn't need *a* friend, he needs ME) and for the last decade he's always been there any time I needed him. Suck it up, and be the friend that he needs and deserves? Or cut and run to save myself from further heartache? Can I really ensure my own survival at the cost of his? Am I being totally melodramatic here?

The last question's the only one I have the answer to.

I want to hate her, but I can't. She's a void, there's nothing there to hate. When I look at her, I get no emotion at all beyond a vague weariness. Mostly I feel sorry for her - but not sorry enough to want anything to do with her.

Mostly I hurt. For me, partly, but mainly for him. I'll be fine. I'm always fine after a little while. I'm one of those people who always bounce back, no matter what, and whatever happens between us I'll manage to live a happy life. With or without him. But HIM...I hurt for him. He's so unhappy, and can't see a way of making things better.

And yes, I know that he's a grown man and has made his own choices. I'm not denying that he's responsible for his situation. I just wish that I could help him see that life isn't supposed to be like this. But how do you convince a person to do - or at least try to do - what makes them happy, when they don't believe they deserve happiness?

You can tell me not to get too deeply involved, but it won't do a blind bit of good. I AM involved, deeply. In most relationships, I've always managed to keep at least some degree of distance, but more and more I'm finding myself melding with emotions of the handful of people that I am close to. Since my gifts for healing and prophecy have all but disappeared, the empathy has increased exponentially, and with the dozen or so close friends that I have, the bond is ever-present and nearly unbreakable. Our lives are so profoundly and intricately entwined that my heart breaks for him every time I feel his pain. He hurts, ergo I hurt. I don't make the choice to, it's a law of nature that is beyond my control.

I don't think I'm capable of walking away. All I can see that I can do is step back, and watch, and wait for things to change. And when they do change, I can reassess.

Thursday 18 November 2010

Remember The Red Silk Dress

Meh, good and bad this week, although it's certainly been packed full of stuff - enough that I haven't even managed to read my watched list, let alone comment or make new posts in here.

My bubba's (in case you're wondering, that's my brother) been back in the hospital again this week, for the fourth (I think) time since the summer. We thought it was another bad colitis outbreak, but yesterday they rushed him into surgery and whipped his appendix out. Oddly enough, he got sent home today. Good old English hospitals. *rolls eyes* With any luck I'll get to see him tomorrow.

Ugh, I know how self-centered this sounds (so you don't need to tell me, LOL ) but dealing with stuff like this is sooooo the last thing I need right now. Mom freaks out every time Tony gets sick, and I understand why, but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. I'm just not the kind of person who can give constant reassurances to her. I deal with my worries by finding out as much as possible about them, by educating myself and figuring out the likelihood of any possible outcome, and when all my research says that the probability of a problem - whether health-related or not - being life-threatening is minute, then I stop worrying. Well, okay, I only worry a tiny bit. But Mom...I dunno, it's hard to explain. Logic doesn't comfort her. Research doesn't comfort her. I don't know what DOES comfort her in times like this, and she can't tell me, and because I don't know I can't provide whatever it is she needs. She was like this when I was raped - *I* was the one who was in trouble, and I had to spend most of my energy on holding her hand and making sure she was OK, and telling her that I was fine. It's not the same now, because it's Tony who's the one in trouble, so the fact that I have to tend to Mom's emotions doesn't strike up quite the same resentment in me as it did back then, but it's still hard to admit to myself that I have absolutely no idea of how to make her feel better.

I'm trying to be sympathetic, because I can see and feel how hard it is for her. I don't have children, at least not in this world, and therefore I can't understand how it feels when you're scared for them. I DO know, from talking to people, that when you're a parent it's far worse for you when something happens to your kid than when it happens to yourself, but as I can't experience this I can't entirely understand it.

Meh, what can I say. Sympathy doesn't come naturally to me, at least when it comes to my family. Empathy, yes, but not the whole comforting thing. For someone who considers herself a nurturer, I fail dismally when it comes to my family members.

Hmm, other news. I've been more-or-less sticking to my diet, and I went to the gym today and Monday, but I'm seeing no results from the dieting yet. This could be because it's not working, or it could be that PMS is playing a hand. I'm very pissed off about this, because I don't get my monthlies anymore, since I had the implant put in (which unfortunately needs to come out in the coming Spring; it's only licensed as a contraceptive for five years and it'll be five years in April) and aside from a couple hormonal mood swings - nothing compared to what I used to get - I only get the PMS symptoms (achy breasts, pain in my ovary and uterine and kidney areas etc) two or three times a year. And they usually last a couple days, instead of the couple months that they lasted pre-implant. But this appears to be one of those times, and it's annoying me. Plus, I think I'm getting a cold.

If it develops into a proper cold it'll drive me nuts, but if I could keep it at this level of coldishness I would, because when I'm just a little bit sick I feel better, as fucked-up as that sounds. I have an auto-immune disorder - my immune system recognizes normal cells as foreign tissue, and tries to kill them off, and it especially affects my nervous system - so when my immune system is otherwise occupied trying to fight ACTUAL foreign stuff e.g. viruses, it lets up a bit on the rest of my body. Although afterwards, I feel like hell for a month or so, until it stops overreacting.

What else happened this week? Ohhh...the red dress. I managed to get a red silk dress from Hobbs, that I'd been eyeing up for a couple months and never thought I'd get into, and I got it for £30 (instead of a probable £150-200) because it was missing two buttons and had a couple stitches that had pulled loose. Easy to fix, and it's a lovely dress - it's knee-length, with an unusual neckline that I don't quite know the name of, and a tiny keyhole cut-out (just enough to be sexy without being immodest) and a flared skirt, and when I've lost the inch or so I need to lose from my bust, I'll look fairly yummy in it. Here's hoping that with diet, exercise and a minimizer bra, I can get into it for any Christmas parties.

The Light of my Life, the one who married a girl in the summer and broke my poor vulnerable heart, is back in my life. When he got married, he told me to stay out of his life if I couldn't support him. I couldn't, so I stayed out. I don't know if it's a good thing or not that he's back - how many times can love be torn apart and then put back together again? Evidently many times, at least with him and me. Our friendship has survived many girlfriends for him, a couple of boyfriends for me, the attempted suicide of a mutual friend that he was dating (who I still see; he doesn't approve but generally keeps his mouth shut), him sleeping with one of my closest friends, me getting raped, me losing my memory, him believing I'd had a lesbian affair with aforementioned close friend, sleeping together and getting treated horribly afterwards (I thought it was because he regretted it, it was actually because he was jealous of another guy I'd dated a couple times, and thought that I just slept with him for shits and giggles), a boyfriend of mine who turned into a stalker, and our various respective neuroses, of which we have quite a few. Surprisingly enough, even with this disgustingly long list of things that have gone wrong for us, our relationship isn't generally tempestuous - most of the time we move along on a fairly even keel, it's just that when something goes wrong it goes REALLY wrong.

So there's that stupid, poisonous little hope, that this time it might actually work out between us now. I can't explain what I feel for him, exactly - I love him passionately, but mostly like a friend rather than a lover. Yet when he gets seriously involved with someone, it hurts. For better or for worse, I cannot imagine myself marrying anyone but him. Every time he gets involved with another girl I'm crushed, and eventually inflate myself again and come to terms with it, and manage to stay friends with him, and I think that I'm over him and that I'm not going to fall for him again - and then he splits up with the girl, and I fall. Normally I'd tell someone that if they can't work it out with someone, to cut their losses and move on. If something doesn't work the first time, or the second, let alone any times after that, why would it work now? But with him and me, I honestly don't believe that it was our relationship that was the faulty thing - it was the rest of the world, plus really lousy timing.

Instinct, and the Ancestors' gifts, tell me that he is the one I'm supposed to spend my life with. I've been told that since the first conversation we ever had, back when he was sixteen and I was seventeen. In dreams and visions, I've seen our whole lives together. Yet I don't know how much of this is reasonable, and how much is me hanging onto an outdated fantasy.

You can all tell me what an idiot I am, if you like. Maybe if I hear it enough, it'll sink in and I won't keep doing it.

But damn. The spirits of our children have been talking to me for as long as he has, and when he got married I thought that was it - but I still couldn't silence their voices, I could only quiet them down a bit. And now they're as loud and frequent as ever.

Mleah.

So yeah, that was my week. Or the vital stuff, anyway - the rest was just hack work, although plenty of it. I'm hoping that the next couple weeks won't be so packed, so I can get back to posting and reading, but I'm not holding my breath.

Sunday 14 November 2010

Mmm, Manthers

It's official: teenagers are disgusting. I just had to get a mattress out from under Ryan's bed, and I nearly passed out just from breathing the air in there. What's really freaking me out is that Mom's planning to SLEEP on that mattress tonight, since she has a friend staying over. I found her a rubber sheet and a thick duvet cover to wrap around it, so the cat hair (atrocious, although Lori SWEARS she grooms the cat - not once in a year have I seen her do it, though) and dust and all the other crap doesn't get to her.

Really, I'd rather she slept in my bed and I slept on a duvet on the floor, but she won't go for that.

Anyway, that was just a small aside, although it does bring me onto the main subject.

Those of you who know me probably know that I tend to go for younger guys. Not just younger, as in, the younger end of the spectrum, but actually younger than me. Sometimes by a year or two, sometimes by quite a few years. The last big crush I had was nearly six years younger than me. Aside from my first (when I was 13) and one other since then, all the guys I've been really into were younger than me.

HOWEVER, I'm starting to get tired of young guys. I don't know what to do with them. I feel like I need to take care of them. They never have any money. All important points, natch. So I'm starting to wonder if it's time to get me a manther. After nearly a decade of working with teenagers, and a year of living with one, and two years of living with a guy who THINKS he's still one (at 24), I'm beginning to see the attraction of the older male. If I dated an older guy, I could get Christmas presents that I can wear outside the bedroom. I could go on dates to places where you don't have to pay for your food until after you've eaten. I could buy a new outfit and wear it on a date, and when they mention it, not have to justify my purchase with any reason other than "I wanted it".

OK, so I exaggerate a little - the younger guys I've been dating aren't QUITE that bad. But still.

Anyway, something to think about.

And for the record, I would settle for any of the following:



OK, it wasn't entirely fair of me to stick Damian Lewis in there; he's not quite old enough, but he's just so darn smooth. *grins*

What's your take on the cougar / manther thing?

Thursday 11 November 2010

Dreams

[This post was originally titled "Last night I got done from behind by a chubby guy wearing a dress" but it seemed too long for this site.]

I'm back, my preciouses.

And you just KNOW I'm saying that in a Gollum voice, right?

With any luck I'll be able to resume a somewhat-normal (for me) schedule soon, and comment on all your lovely posts that I've missed. So happy to see you're all still here, and that some of you who were missing are now back.

As for now, I am excited BECAUSE I get to go to bed and read Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones, which arrived in the post from ebay and is proving, so far, to be absolutely delicious.

Have a good evening!

P.S. The title of this post was actually last night's dream. There were two guys, one chubby, one not so chubby, and I think they may have been Matt Lucas and David Walliams as seen in those bank ads.

And right after that horror, the dream segued into a second one where I came home sweaty and dirty and sat in the garden for a few minutes - for some reason it was June, and my garden was a whole lot bigger than it usually is - and Kurisu-san suddenly appeared and asked if I wanted to go watch his band play. And I said yes! but I need a few minutes to shower and change. So I took the fastest shower my house has ever seen, and then agonized over what to wear - for some reason I thought I needed to wear a silk cocktail dress to watch a rock band in a pub - and K yelled at me for taking too long, and said he was already running late because he'd come to ask me to come with him, and I told him to go on ahead and I'd catch him up...and then I realised, after he'd gone, that he hadn't told me what pub it was and I had no way of getting in contact.

I don't know which was a worse dream, the whole Matt Lucas (I think) thing, or K saying that I was too high-maintenance to be his friend. *cries*

I am never again eating chocolate before bed. EVER.

P.S. #2 I don't usually put titles like that, that have so little to do with the content of the post, but I wanted to see if this post got more views if I sexed it up a bit. It's an important psychological experiment, y'know.

P.S. #3 Or I could just be full of shit.

P.S. #4 I lied about the chocolate thing.





Monday 1 November 2010

Taking A Short Break

My computer is getting taken away tomorrow to get fixed - it keeps freezing up, and nobody's sure why - so I may be offline for two weeks or so. It's possible that they'll be able to lend me a computer to use while mine is in the shop, but I'm not banking on it.

It'll probably do me good to take a break for awhile, actually. I'm getting so exhausted by the rollercoaster of emotions on here. I'm finding myself thinking about the blog fights for much of my day, and that's just not good. I don't like it when drama, whether online or not, eats into my relaxation time.

I'm hoping to see a sea of yellow posts when I come back, and if my entire watched list isn't still there, I shall cry and refuse to give you the sugar cookie recipe.

If the exodus happens to take place while I'm gone, let me know the details of where everyone's moving to, mmmkay? I personally have started a blog on a site called Tumblr, after much coercion from my twin flame. I haven't quite worked out how to use the site - it's not as convenient as the blogs here, or my FB notes - but with any luck I'll get it up and running when I come back.

If anything dire happens that you think I should know about, loop me in on FB - I'll try and check that a couple times on my phone if I can get it working. Otherwise, I'll see y'all at some point before Thanksgiving.

Enjoy the rest of the fall - it's the most wonderful season, IMO!