I don't often write notes on here [Facebook] since most of y'all have my journal address, and that's where I keep you updated (although not nearly as much as I should). But I had a spare moment, so rather than playing Javanoid or reading erotica I thought I'd write a little about what's going on for me right now.
I dropped out of college today. It's not ideal, but it's really the only choice I can make. When it comes down to the bare bones of the situation, it's pretty simple: I can't physically look for a decent job (and work that job when I DO get it) and look after Mom and do the college thing. Mom needs to be looked after - or will in two weeks - and the bills need to be paid, and college is the only even slightly expendable thing. So college has to go.
As I said, not ideal, but it's what has to be done. See me being mature and logical about it?
I'm not over the moon, but I'm not horribly depressed either. Probably because being depressed involves actually thinking, and I don't really have the time or energy to think about too much right now. It's sort of a relief, actually, not to be bogged down with all the emotion that usually comes with something like this. The same goes for my personal life. Sure, I miss Oli, but I'm sort of laissez-faire about the whole thing. What will be will be, and all that. It's a weird feeling, though. I just realized today that this is the first time since I was 17 that I haven't been head-over-heels for someone. My crushes - or love affairs, whatever you choose to call them - tend to go on for a while, and I don't usually realize that I'm over one person until I fall for someone new. I'm not sure why. I guess I just like the feeling of being in love, or at least in like. Oh, I still love Oli, of course, but I accept that things are the way they are, and that I have to get on with my life.
It's especially weird right now, because Christmas is just around the corner, and for me Christmas is always the time of year when I live, speak and breathe romance. There's ALWAYS someone on my mind at Christmas, even if I wasn't particularly thinking of them before. Something about the crisp cold weather and the Christmas shopping and the tree and lights and log fires and snow...it makes me want to hold hands and cuddle up on the hearth and toast marshmallows. Even now I'm getting all gooey and happy-feeling, and I KNOW I'm not in the market for a relationship right now.
A strange thing, though: for the last couple of weeks (barring the time I spent at Oli's) I've been having all these quite disturbing dreams, mostly Christmas-related, that are straight out of my mental library of teenage romance (or at least what passed for it, in my poor late-bloomer's life).
Funny how the brain works when you're asleep, isn't it? When I'm awake, I don't think much about the past, beyond vaguely wishing that I'd done things a bit better, been a bit more social / street-smart / motivated in school. When I'm awake, I'm generally happy with the way things are. But when I'm asleep, I keep dreaming about things and people that I don't consciously think about most of the time. I'm sure my dreams are telling me something, although I don't know WHAT. That I like male attention, I guess. Which I already knew. *rolls eyes* I could have used something a little more helpful, oh dream-spirits.
But any amount of male-oriented dreams, even ones that feature guys I barely know, is better than constant nightmares, so I'm not complaining. =)
I don't know, maybe I'm having the dreams particularly BECAUSE I'm not wanting a relationship, because with dreams I can wallow in romantic happy thoughts without having to actually DO anything. But either way, it's quite distracting.
Oh well. Maybe by this time next month I'll have changed my mind about a relationship, and will actually accept a date in time for Christmas. Stranger things have happened.
Anyway, I've wasted a lot of time on this note - I had the whole damn thing written out, and it was a lot better than this version, and then I clicked a link and for some reason it opened here instead of in a new window, and I lost everything I'd written, so I've spent the last half hour trying to recreate it, with limited success. Nevermind. I'm off to bed.
Kisses. =)
