Thursday 27 May 2010

A Japanese Dinner

I had my last Japanese class a week ago, and last night - Tuesday - my class met for the last time, at a beautiful, ouchily-expensive, Michelin-starred Japanese restaurant in town.

I was the first there, and when my musician came in, he chose to sit next to me rather than at one of the other eight free seats on the table. And while I tried to talk to other people, I spent most of the time talking to him, and smiling at him, because he's just so darn sweet.

I think maybe I do love him, after all. Which is not the same as being IN LOVE with him, I'll remind you. But yeah...I think I probably love him. It's kind of impossible not to, he's very loveable.

The musician and I both ate tori teriyaki - chicken with a teriyaki sauce - although he started with yakitori (marinated chicken kebabs) and I had miso soup (soup with spring onions, little tofu chunks, wakame - don't ask me what that is - and lots of salt). It was pretty good, although perhaps not £20 ($40USD) worth of good. I'm not a big fan of Japanese food in general - I always come away feeling a little bit high (presumably from the salt) and a little bit hungry - but I have to admit, this was pretty nice. And the musician...he was more than nice. Talking to him was heaven on earth.

Aaaaand now he has me speaking in cliches! Argh!

I don't think he's going to contact me over the summer. It's hard to explain why, because he seems to like me, and enjoy talking to me - he was doing as much talking as I was last night. But the impression I get is that he finds something about me slightly risky. I can't explain that statement, I'm afraid. All I can say is that the emotions I pick up from him are a bit of confusion, and a bit of...well, it's not fear exactly, but anxiety. Like he feels like he's doing something he shouldn't. I don't know if this is related to me, or if it's something he feels a lot of the time - he's a born worrier, worries about a lot of things, and doesn't have anywhere near the amount of self-confidence that he should have. So perhaps the feelings that I pick up don't have anything to do with me, in which case he may email me at some point. But even if he doesn't, I know his name now, so I can find him if necessary.

Hah, you're probably thinking, STALKER ALERT! But no, I'm not going to stalk. I just don't want to never see him again.

After a night like that, I'm still floating. I know that in the next couple of weeks - and certainly over the summer - I'll come back to earth with a bang (sorry, poor choice of words there) and will have to find someone else to have a crush on. Apollo, the light of my life since I was 12, is moving to South Africa at the end of the year, which bums me out a little bit. (Everyone is leaving me atm, but I'll tell you more about that another time.) So I guess I'm open to dating again, now that two of my favourite guys are not so much in my life. Or at least I WILL be open to dating, once the fairy dust wears off.

The World Is Mocking Me

I went window-shopping today. Bought a dress. Is it still window-shopping if you buy a dress? Hmm, something else to add to the nearly-infinite list of things for me to wonder about. But anyway. Bought a dress. White, naturally. Went home. Took a bath. Put on my dress, because I wanted to try it on and see how much weight I need to lose around my stomach before it looks good, and because I didn't have any other clothes to hand and my robe's kind of see-through. Went downstairs. Took some yoghurt out of the fridge. As I was taking the yoghurt out, the entire yoghurt carton SHATTERED, for no apparent reason, and all the yoghurt went down the front of my new white dress.

So I no longer have a new dress. Best case scenario, I have a once-washed dress that will hopefully not have a giant fig yoghurt stain on it. Worst case scenario? The stain doesn't come out. Which would be pretty awful, because they didn't HAVE another dress in the shop, and I've wanted this one for a couple months, but never had the money to spare for something that I can't wear until I get rid of the spare tyre.

*sigh* You ever have those days when it just feels like the universe is laughing at you? It WOULD be a white dress, and it WOULD be fig yoghurt (figs stain badly), and honestly, when have you known a yoghurt pot to shatter in your hand? I'm not even talking about a crack, I'm talking about little tiny pieces.

*rolls eyes*

Aside from that, it was a pretty nice day. Actually, I've had a pretty nice week (following three hellish weeks, which is why I haven't written) and will try to update y'all on my life soon. :)

Sunday 16 May 2010

The Musician And Me

My 20-year-old redheaded musician walked with me to the bus last week. We talked for a half hour or so, about Paris and Japan and finances and being an adult and music and a whole lot of other things, and the more I talk to him, the more I feel like I've known him for my whole life.

*sigh* Of course, saying MY musician is a bit of an exaggeration; he's not really mine at all. He has a girlfriend, and I assume they're happy, and I'm not interested in getting in the way of that. But damn, I really don't want to lose track of him. Our last class is on Tuesday, and I don't know if he'll be taking Japanese next year - don't actually know if the course will be running next year; my teacher is still battling with the uni admin people - and the thought that I may not see him again is tearing me up. I gave him my card with my email and FB details, and both my phone numbers, but he hasn't contacted me yet. I don't know if he will.

I don't know if I'm fooling myself - it's entirely possible - but the feeling I get from him is that he likes me, and finds me somewhat attractive, and for some reason is fighting it. Every lesson barring the one where I sat next to him, he's sat in a place where he can watch me, and every time I look up that's exactly what he's doing, although he usually averts his vision quickly as soon as he sees me looking at him. Sometimes I smile, and he blushes a little. And then other times I deliberately don't look up, instead I expand my awareness so that I can see him but still keep my eyes on my work, and I see and feel his eyes on me.

Hell, I can't explain what I feel for him. I love everything about the guy. And yet I don't want to split him and his girlfriend up. I don't want to sleep with him, not really, although I have wondered about it a time or two. All I can say is that I want to know him. I want to be around him, and talk to him, and care about him.

Oh god, please let him keep in touch with me, because the thought of losing him is breaking my heart.

Thursday 6 May 2010

Voting - Please Read Before Deleting!

OK, you're reading it. Good. I know a lot of you will automatically close your eyes and ears when someone mentions voting to you, but just bear with me for a few minutes, mmmkay?

I'd love to be able to tell y'all that since I turned 18, I've performed my civic duty by voting. It'd be a lie. I've never voted. Last year - the year I was 25 - was the first year that I cared enough to even find out where my polling station is, and then when it came time to vote, I went to the gym instead.

HOWever, this year I feel differently, mainly because of three little words: British National Party. Last year, the BNP were awarded their first seats - not because more Brits believe in what they preach, but because so many of us were so disgusted with the expenses scandal that rocked the three main political parties, we didn't bother to vote. Now we're paying for it - the BNP has a foothold, and I for one do NOT want to give them more.

I'm not going to write long passages about what the BNP stand for. I don't need to. Most of you already know, and for any of you who've been living in outer Siberia for the last year...well, go on Google or YouTube and put in "Nick Griffin". I'm sure you'll find out more than you ever wanted to know.

With the political climate being what it is right now, it's hard to know who would be the best candidate for Prime Minister. All of them have made some pretty big cock-ups. There's less than a day to go, and I still don't know which box I'm going to tick. But I do know one thing: voting isn't always about getting the best person in. Sometimes it's about keeping the worst person out, and Nick Griffin and his fellow bigots are without a doubt the worst person for the job. A couple of people have said to me, "What's wrong with the BNP? They have some good ideas on how to keep Britain great." And so they do - for white people. That right there is what's wrong with the BNP. We are a multicultural society, and have been for a long time. AND WE CANNOT HAVE A WHITE SUPREMACIST PARTY IN POWER WHEN 12% OF BRITAIN'S POPULATION AS A WHOLE, AND OVER A THIRD OF LONDON'S POPULATION, ARE NOT WHITE. (Source: 2001 census.)

Therefore I urge all of you to get your butts down to the polling station, and do what needs to be done. It won't take more than an hour out of your day, and you can consider it an investment in your future. Brown, Cameron, Clegg, Green Party...I honestly don't care who you vote for, as long as you do it. (And as long as it's not Nick Griffin, but that goes without saying. :)

For more information, see the Unite Against Fascism official page at www.uaf.org.uk

~ Sati

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.