Rubbing Up Together Around The Clock...

But lately we've been getting more rubble than rocks.

~ Elton John

  [Not the actual lyric, but I always mishear it. I think I like mine better, actually. Sorry, Elton.]

I wish I still cared about blogging. I really do.

Come to think of it, I wish I still cared about anything.

Not suicidal, never that, just...not quite here. I keep thinking I'll feel better, and then something happens - the boiler breaks, or I get another infection - that thrusts me back to the beginning.

I tell myself to be social, and invite people on Facebook to come and get dinner or go shopping, and then fall asleep before I can go. I fell asleep in a chair in a waiting room in Luton yesterday, and now I have bruises all over my forehead from the metal bar I was resting against.

When I am awake, I do crave companionship, but unless someone's willing to live to exactly my timetable - and they're not - I get sick again, or fall asleep, before I can carry out any plans. And I don't like flaking on people, so unless it's a close friend, I tend not to make plans to start with.

Although then I wake up in the middle of the night, annoyed that I don't have anyone to booty call, and after looking through roughly 5000 profile photos on dating sites and not being attracted to any of them, I've shelved the idea of a FWB for the time being. I just can't fancy someone until I know their personality, and too few people seem willing (or able!) to fill out their profiles fully. They're not willing to spend a half hour answering questions about themselves, and I'm not willing to mail a score of men at a time and ASK them questions about themselves on the off chance that one of them interests me, so I guess me and the majority of men on these sites don't mix. And the ones that I do mix well with are usually in America or Australia anyway. Shrug.

I probably sound irritated, but honestly it only bothers me at night when I'm horny and it's too late to go out. The rest of the time, I barely even notice that my life is barren. I miss Oli and I miss K and I talk to LOML on occasion, and they're the only ones I really want around anyway. I don't have the energy to be friendly. I just want someone who'll take a nap with me.

My friends are still there, they haven't abandoned me or anything. I still have B and Sash and Zia in the area or in London, and Elle in Bristol any time I have the energy to go see her, and Babs is around from time to time, and any time I can force myself to go to a party or a local gig I run into old friends and acquaintances who are happy to welcome me. People are nice. The fact that I'm alone is not to do with people not being welcoming, it's just that I can't force my body to behave, and I can't force my heart to not miss K - it's bee nearly nine months since we talked and I still miss him EVERY day - and the majority of the time I can't even force my mind to be present on this mortal plane.

Even though I still resemble the sunny, golden, rosy-cheeked, bright-eyed cherub that I was before - albeit a somewhat paler, darker-eyed, more serious version - I feel like little more than a wraith. Since childhood my life has been a balancing act, juggling life and death - for in my family, the living and the dead both have their place in the limelight - but since October, I talk more to the dead than the living. In some ways I feel like I identify more with them now.

To a teenager that would probably sound romantic, but when it happens it's not - it's just kind of strange and sad.

Yet for all my preoccupation, I do not WANT to die. I want to get well and live another sixty years in the sun. I cannot reassure you of this enough.I just don't feel quite alive, and certainly not the vital creature I was before this. The doctors just tell me that it will take time, but time has never quite behaved for me at the best of times, and now it has very little meaning at all. The best I can hope for is that one day I wake up and feel a bit better, and that each day after that is better still, and eventually I start feeling like a human doing again, instead of just a human being or existing (and light on the human).

I am not quite sure why I give you these updates. To let you know I'm still breathing, I guess. Although perhaps that is not so important; if I should happen to shuffle off beyond the veil, I'm sure Kidfos would let you know. Until then, you can assume that I remain...something. Just remain.