So I'm sitting here in my living room, at 1.17 on a Monday night (Tuesday morning), buck naked because it's just too freakin' hot to wear clothes, and I am completely at a loss as to what to do with myself. I should be in bed, but however hot it is down here I know it'll be worse in my room. I've been in a shitty mood all day, for no apparent reason. If there is a reason, I certainly can't figure out what it is, which leads me to think that it's not my bad mood at all, it's someone else's and I'm just picking it up. Thankfully the blackness of the mood began to fade at about 11 this evening - 5 your time - and now I just feel kind of lost.
I'm an empath. It's what I am, it's what I do. And most of the time I can - well, not embrace it, exactly, but live with it. Most of the time I bitch a little, and then eventually shrug and say Oh well, if I weren't an empath I'd probably be a sociopath, so all things considered this way is probably better, and then I just move onto the next thing and don't really bother too much about it until the next time I'm barraged with someone else's emotions.
But then there are some days when I don't deal well at all.
If you can't understand what I'm saying, I ask you to consider this: imagine everything you've ever felt - and then multiply it by everyone you've met. Dull it down a bit - because obviously I don't get the complete uncensored emotions from everyone. But even dulled down, it's pretty crazy-making. You learn early to build your shields, or you go crazy. Some of the shields are instinctive - I don't experience the way people feel about me most of the time; my brain instinctively protects me from that - and others are ones that I've deliberately built and refined over the years.
Now and then, though, I find a person who bypasses all the shields as though they're not even there. I have one such person in my life right now. With this person, there's no off switch. The feelings don't come through all the time, but when they do there's no way of controlling them or getting rid of them. A lot of the time I don't even know if the things I feel are my own or not. And unlike with my own, I can't rationalise my way out of a bad mood when it's coming from an outside source. For better or for worse, we are bonded, and there is nothing I can do about that. Even the Ancestors can't or won't help me.
So I carry on, trying with all my power to ignore the frequent bursts of nausea or heavy feelings I get in my chest, hurting as they hurt, knowing that one of the people I love most in the world is in a heapload of pain, and also knowing that there is very little I can do about it.
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Stoopid Fevers
I've been feeling pretty off for the last couple weeks. I don't know exactly what's wrong, but my glands are up and I'm constantly feverish. It's probably just a phase that will go away sooner or later (sooner, I hope) but it's driving me crazy. I have NO energy, even for the things I like to do - I meant to bake a cake today so we could have strawberry shortcake, but I didn't even have the energy for that so we ate the berries with swiss roll instead.
So yeah, I'm not around much. I was hoping to set up a proper blog, with daily posts and stuff, but it didn't happen. Mleah. In the autumn, maybe.
I bought a really cute dress for when I start college in the fall. You can't see it very well in the pictures, and I don't have anyone to take pics for me (Mom is murder on machines; I don't dare let her operate my camera) and can't seem to stand it up to take pics by itself, but you can see the neckline. I love this neckline - I wore them a lot when I was in high school, but for the last ten years I haven't found them anywhere. It's only this summer that I've found shirts and dresses like this again, and I'm very happy.
Anyway, here's a pic from yesterday. Sorry about the fat cheeks, I can't wait until my parotid glands finally go down!
(My niece Christie calls the pigtails "BJ handles". :D )
So yeah, I'm not around much. I was hoping to set up a proper blog, with daily posts and stuff, but it didn't happen. Mleah. In the autumn, maybe.
I bought a really cute dress for when I start college in the fall. You can't see it very well in the pictures, and I don't have anyone to take pics for me (Mom is murder on machines; I don't dare let her operate my camera) and can't seem to stand it up to take pics by itself, but you can see the neckline. I love this neckline - I wore them a lot when I was in high school, but for the last ten years I haven't found them anywhere. It's only this summer that I've found shirts and dresses like this again, and I'm very happy.
Anyway, here's a pic from yesterday. Sorry about the fat cheeks, I can't wait until my parotid glands finally go down!
(My niece Christie calls the pigtails "BJ handles". :D )
Thursday 15 July 2010
The Eternal Memory
What the mind forgets, the senses retain eternally.
Once upon a time, a third of a lifetime ago, I went to a party. It was a nice party, as most of them are when you're seventeen and feel like the world loves you, and a picture of that night was placed into my memory banks to occasionally pull out and smile over when I'm reminiscing with friends, or feeling lonely or stressed. Over the years, the picture faded, and what I was left with was a distant memory that sometimes makes me smile.
Lori, my lodger, has a cosmetics collection to rival Boots'. She works at Wilko, and every time a new bath product comes onto the shelves, before the ads are even on TV, it's been added to our bathroom collection. Sometimes her shelf gets so cluttered that things fall off into the bath, and a month or so ago I was knocked on the head by a can of Imperial Leather Foamburst Ocean Spa, which then fell into my bath and promptly released its fragrance from the little bit of foam that was left outside the can. Instantly I was catapulted back into that evening.
Part of me knows that I'm still sitting in the bath, but that's only the smallest part of me: most of what makes up Sati Marie Frost is back in a darkened hall in London Colney, watching the multicoloured lights on the DJ's box that give the room its only illumination. I can see and hear everything, clearer than it has been in the nine years since, perhaps even clearer than it was at the time. I can hear the boys singing karaoke to Oasis' "Don't Look Back In Anger", and I'm laughing and cheering along. I can feel the slightly scratchy gold spangles of my dress, and the comforting fleece of the ratty zip-up hoodie I have over the top, because I've only been back in England less than a month and I'm always cold. I can see my gold shoes, and my nails - one foot painted magenta, the other electric blue - and I can also see the long, elegant, tanned finger that's touching me just above my toes. And he smells like the ocean. I didn't even notice at the time, had forgotten all but the vaguest memories since, but now I smell that scent again I remember it as clear as day.
So I went out and bought myself a can. And now I lie here on my bed on this chilly summer's evening, and occasionally the breezes from the open window blow the vapours of sea kelp and birch bark off my legs and arms and into my nose, and every puff of air takes my breath away.
Once upon a time, a third of a lifetime ago, I went to a party. It was a nice party, as most of them are when you're seventeen and feel like the world loves you, and a picture of that night was placed into my memory banks to occasionally pull out and smile over when I'm reminiscing with friends, or feeling lonely or stressed. Over the years, the picture faded, and what I was left with was a distant memory that sometimes makes me smile.
Lori, my lodger, has a cosmetics collection to rival Boots'. She works at Wilko, and every time a new bath product comes onto the shelves, before the ads are even on TV, it's been added to our bathroom collection. Sometimes her shelf gets so cluttered that things fall off into the bath, and a month or so ago I was knocked on the head by a can of Imperial Leather Foamburst Ocean Spa, which then fell into my bath and promptly released its fragrance from the little bit of foam that was left outside the can. Instantly I was catapulted back into that evening.
Part of me knows that I'm still sitting in the bath, but that's only the smallest part of me: most of what makes up Sati Marie Frost is back in a darkened hall in London Colney, watching the multicoloured lights on the DJ's box that give the room its only illumination. I can see and hear everything, clearer than it has been in the nine years since, perhaps even clearer than it was at the time. I can hear the boys singing karaoke to Oasis' "Don't Look Back In Anger", and I'm laughing and cheering along. I can feel the slightly scratchy gold spangles of my dress, and the comforting fleece of the ratty zip-up hoodie I have over the top, because I've only been back in England less than a month and I'm always cold. I can see my gold shoes, and my nails - one foot painted magenta, the other electric blue - and I can also see the long, elegant, tanned finger that's touching me just above my toes. And he smells like the ocean. I didn't even notice at the time, had forgotten all but the vaguest memories since, but now I smell that scent again I remember it as clear as day.
So I went out and bought myself a can. And now I lie here on my bed on this chilly summer's evening, and occasionally the breezes from the open window blow the vapours of sea kelp and birch bark off my legs and arms and into my nose, and every puff of air takes my breath away.
Sunday 11 July 2010
Lazy Days
Ohhhh...what I would give to be lying on a beach right now, or by a private outdoor pool, or by the lake in Milton Keynes. *sigh*
Becki and I went skating in Milton Keynes this morning. I've been dreaming about ice skating for years now, but I hadn't actually been since my head injury (i.e. having the reset button hit on all things to do with co-ordination) so I didn't know if my body would remember how to do it. Well, at first I didn't, but I got better. I did totally tank it once, but only once, and that was when I was skating over a really rough patch left by one of the show-off speed skaters. :) But ohhh, it was wonderful. The skating, not the falling on my ass. I wasn't anything like in my dream - in my dreams I can spin and jump and generally look like a fairy princess of the ice, and today I wasn't very good. But it FELT good. I felt so free out there, even though my feet hurt a lot.
I hadn't been to Milton Keynes for about ten years, and I forgot how much I love it there. In summer, especially, it looks to me like someone plonked down a strange, modern city, complete with lake, in the middle of a field. Everything is so flat and new and summery and...well, unhaunted that I feel totally at home there. I especially love the lake - it looks so much cleaner than Stanborough, and there were all these boaters and windsurfers on there. I haven't windsurfed in years either, principally because I can't find anywhere to do it, and I really really want to spend some time at the lake this summer. It's not a beautiful natural lake like the ones you see in Scotland or America; it's definitely man-made and really more of a reservoir than a lake, but there's something about it that makes me feel totally at home. :)
So that was my day. Sadly I've missed Tesco and nearly missed the gym, so I'm just going to stroll up to the Co-Op to get something to eat, and then take a nap.
[There was a recipe for cornbread here, but I haven't decided yet whether to put recipes in this blog or not.]
Becki and I went skating in Milton Keynes this morning. I've been dreaming about ice skating for years now, but I hadn't actually been since my head injury (i.e. having the reset button hit on all things to do with co-ordination) so I didn't know if my body would remember how to do it. Well, at first I didn't, but I got better. I did totally tank it once, but only once, and that was when I was skating over a really rough patch left by one of the show-off speed skaters. :) But ohhh, it was wonderful. The skating, not the falling on my ass. I wasn't anything like in my dream - in my dreams I can spin and jump and generally look like a fairy princess of the ice, and today I wasn't very good. But it FELT good. I felt so free out there, even though my feet hurt a lot.
I hadn't been to Milton Keynes for about ten years, and I forgot how much I love it there. In summer, especially, it looks to me like someone plonked down a strange, modern city, complete with lake, in the middle of a field. Everything is so flat and new and summery and...well, unhaunted that I feel totally at home there. I especially love the lake - it looks so much cleaner than Stanborough, and there were all these boaters and windsurfers on there. I haven't windsurfed in years either, principally because I can't find anywhere to do it, and I really really want to spend some time at the lake this summer. It's not a beautiful natural lake like the ones you see in Scotland or America; it's definitely man-made and really more of a reservoir than a lake, but there's something about it that makes me feel totally at home. :)
So that was my day. Sadly I've missed Tesco and nearly missed the gym, so I'm just going to stroll up to the Co-Op to get something to eat, and then take a nap.
[There was a recipe for cornbread here, but I haven't decided yet whether to put recipes in this blog or not.]
News - Facebook
Good God, it's been awhile. Longer than awhile, actually...a loooong while. *rolls eyes* I've been meaning to update you guys on my life for a couple months, but for one reason or another I never manage to actually get anything written. I've mentally written a dozen or more entries when I've been in the bath (I do most of my best thinking in the bath) but by the time I get out and get dressed - or undressed - I've forgotten the details of what I wanted to write, and by the time I get into bed and read for awhile I've lost even the gist of it.
I got too much sun today. I'm sitting here in my little pink sundress, which I don't wear much because it started off as Mom's and it's too big and doesn't hold my boobs in (so I have to wear a bra, which I hate in the summer) and for once, I'm GLAD that it's too big because it doesn't rub my back, or have any material over the shoulders, which is where I'm burnt. I can't believe I burned just walking up to the Co-Op and around the car boot sale at the church for a few minutes. It was a tiny sale (although somehow we did manage to pick up a load of semi-nice-semi-junk) and we can't have spent more than twenty minutes walking around, so I don't know how I managed to pick up pink on my shoulders and some very obvious strap marks. I suppose I should count myself lucky that I was wearing a low dress with just two spaghetti straps on, rather than one of the halternecks. *shrugs*
Anyway, that was around midday, and I didn't realise I was burnt about eight this evening - but it certainly explains the tiredness and headache and stomachache that's been plaguing me this afternoon and that I'd assumed was just general me. (Or general M.E., take your pick.)
The TV is on, and an ad for one of those mobile apps just came on - touch free fart control. Get this app for your phone, and leave your phone on the table, and whenever one of your friends walks by it'll make a farting sound. So stupid, so why is it so hilarious? Or is it just me?
...You don't really need to answer that.
I've had an odd couple of weeks. Lots of visions, both pleasant and unpleasant. I've been dreaming about the Ainu more, too, and that's not a good sign. I know that chances are, nothing will happen and the dreams will go away after a little while, but until they do I know I'll be just slightly on edge, wondering every night when I go to sleep if I'll wake up to the same world in the morning.
The other dreams and visions...they're not public. By which I mean they're not anything that will affect anyone other than a few close friends. I don't mean they're not for public consumption. Consumption? That doesn't feel like quite the right word. Public appraisal? Public entertainment?
Mmm...Alicia Keys is on Channel AKA now. If there were one woman who could turn me, Alicia Keys would be it. Especially in that purple catsuit in the "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart" video. Just thought I'd throw that in there. ;)
Most of my weeks are fairly uneventful: I go to class, I work, I take walks, I sleep, I eat, I read romance novels. Yet uni is over, has been over since the end of May, and I'm mostly off work for the summer, so how the heck is it that with all this free time, I'm getting less done than ever, and feel like the days are passing far too fast? Oh, I've DONE plenty of things in the last month, but nothing of any real value, aside from seeing a few friends. I went shopping with Chrissie twice, and saw the family for lunch twice, once at Tony and Debbie's, and then on 4th of July we did lunch here. (I got conscripted into making tuna-pasta salad and cornbread, which were both pretty good.) I'm happy to say it did NOT repeat the several 4th of July disasters that I've had in the years since 2005. I went to London last week to see my Dad and Jackie. I had dinner with Becki, which seems like only about two weeks ago, but must have been 6 or 8 weeks in reality. I had dinner with Curt two weeks ago (two real weeks, LOL).
I bought the first two new Vampire Diaries books (which are actually books 5 and 6, since she wrote the original quartet back in 1992 or 1993) and the first two Twilight books. I'm reading the first one (just called Twilight, I think) right now, started it this morning after getting sick of people telling me to read it. I didn't expect to like it much, but it's actually very charming. Not as slick and sexy as the Southern Vampires books (which became TrueBlood when they made the TV series) or as emotionally involving as the original Vampire Diaries books - or, for that matter, as terrifying as the new ones - but it certainly has its own brand of charm, and I can understand why people like it, if not quite why it became such an overnight sensation.
And no, despite buying the new Vampire Diaries books, I still don't like the TV series. With very few exceptions (TrueBlood being one of them) I hate TV shows and movies that don't remain true to a book - I think if you're going to make it, you need to make it right, otherwise you may as well just make something else.
I also got a couple of new summer dresses - three, actually - since I've grown so much taller that none of my old ones fit me anymore. Unfortunately, one of the new ones was great until I washed it, and now it doesn't suit at all - argh! Hopefully when I lose a bit of weight it'll be good again. The other two are very good, though - one of them is strapless (or has detachable straps) and is white with little purple flowers and a lilac ruffle round the hemline, and the other is loose and cream with red flowers in a line down the front, and unlined, and blessedly cool. And best of all, they're both cotton and loose and LONG, right down past my ankles. I had to get them in a 14, so they're both a bit tight in the boobs, but they look pretty good. :)
And also quite a lot of underwear - a black and red lace and satin chemise with black panties (which you can see in my photo album, LOL) and a sheer black robe and a pale pink and black cami thing, and a black and pink peekaboo bra with black and pink panties, and this amazing sheer white mesh bodysuit (with a little ruffle that makes it look like a tutu) which I sadly have to lose a little bit of weight to wear, because at my current weight it's just a little bit too short in the body.
I think that's probably all the news I have to offer you right now, except that I've been to the gym three times this week (and swimming once) and my muscles are killing me. I'm going to go swimming every Wednesday night, though, if anyone wants to join me. :) (Ladies only - it's ladies' night, although if any guys want to go sometime I'm up for suggestions!)
I got too much sun today. I'm sitting here in my little pink sundress, which I don't wear much because it started off as Mom's and it's too big and doesn't hold my boobs in (so I have to wear a bra, which I hate in the summer) and for once, I'm GLAD that it's too big because it doesn't rub my back, or have any material over the shoulders, which is where I'm burnt. I can't believe I burned just walking up to the Co-Op and around the car boot sale at the church for a few minutes. It was a tiny sale (although somehow we did manage to pick up a load of semi-nice-semi-junk) and we can't have spent more than twenty minutes walking around, so I don't know how I managed to pick up pink on my shoulders and some very obvious strap marks. I suppose I should count myself lucky that I was wearing a low dress with just two spaghetti straps on, rather than one of the halternecks. *shrugs*
Anyway, that was around midday, and I didn't realise I was burnt about eight this evening - but it certainly explains the tiredness and headache and stomachache that's been plaguing me this afternoon and that I'd assumed was just general me. (Or general M.E., take your pick.)
The TV is on, and an ad for one of those mobile apps just came on - touch free fart control. Get this app for your phone, and leave your phone on the table, and whenever one of your friends walks by it'll make a farting sound. So stupid, so why is it so hilarious? Or is it just me?
...You don't really need to answer that.
I've had an odd couple of weeks. Lots of visions, both pleasant and unpleasant. I've been dreaming about the Ainu more, too, and that's not a good sign. I know that chances are, nothing will happen and the dreams will go away after a little while, but until they do I know I'll be just slightly on edge, wondering every night when I go to sleep if I'll wake up to the same world in the morning.
The other dreams and visions...they're not public. By which I mean they're not anything that will affect anyone other than a few close friends. I don't mean they're not for public consumption. Consumption? That doesn't feel like quite the right word. Public appraisal? Public entertainment?
Mmm...Alicia Keys is on Channel AKA now. If there were one woman who could turn me, Alicia Keys would be it. Especially in that purple catsuit in the "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart" video. Just thought I'd throw that in there. ;)
Most of my weeks are fairly uneventful: I go to class, I work, I take walks, I sleep, I eat, I read romance novels. Yet uni is over, has been over since the end of May, and I'm mostly off work for the summer, so how the heck is it that with all this free time, I'm getting less done than ever, and feel like the days are passing far too fast? Oh, I've DONE plenty of things in the last month, but nothing of any real value, aside from seeing a few friends. I went shopping with Chrissie twice, and saw the family for lunch twice, once at Tony and Debbie's, and then on 4th of July we did lunch here. (I got conscripted into making tuna-pasta salad and cornbread, which were both pretty good.) I'm happy to say it did NOT repeat the several 4th of July disasters that I've had in the years since 2005. I went to London last week to see my Dad and Jackie. I had dinner with Becki, which seems like only about two weeks ago, but must have been 6 or 8 weeks in reality. I had dinner with Curt two weeks ago (two real weeks, LOL).
I bought the first two new Vampire Diaries books (which are actually books 5 and 6, since she wrote the original quartet back in 1992 or 1993) and the first two Twilight books. I'm reading the first one (just called Twilight, I think) right now, started it this morning after getting sick of people telling me to read it. I didn't expect to like it much, but it's actually very charming. Not as slick and sexy as the Southern Vampires books (which became TrueBlood when they made the TV series) or as emotionally involving as the original Vampire Diaries books - or, for that matter, as terrifying as the new ones - but it certainly has its own brand of charm, and I can understand why people like it, if not quite why it became such an overnight sensation.
And no, despite buying the new Vampire Diaries books, I still don't like the TV series. With very few exceptions (TrueBlood being one of them) I hate TV shows and movies that don't remain true to a book - I think if you're going to make it, you need to make it right, otherwise you may as well just make something else.
I also got a couple of new summer dresses - three, actually - since I've grown so much taller that none of my old ones fit me anymore. Unfortunately, one of the new ones was great until I washed it, and now it doesn't suit at all - argh! Hopefully when I lose a bit of weight it'll be good again. The other two are very good, though - one of them is strapless (or has detachable straps) and is white with little purple flowers and a lilac ruffle round the hemline, and the other is loose and cream with red flowers in a line down the front, and unlined, and blessedly cool. And best of all, they're both cotton and loose and LONG, right down past my ankles. I had to get them in a 14, so they're both a bit tight in the boobs, but they look pretty good. :)
And also quite a lot of underwear - a black and red lace and satin chemise with black panties (which you can see in my photo album, LOL) and a sheer black robe and a pale pink and black cami thing, and a black and pink peekaboo bra with black and pink panties, and this amazing sheer white mesh bodysuit (with a little ruffle that makes it look like a tutu) which I sadly have to lose a little bit of weight to wear, because at my current weight it's just a little bit too short in the body.
I think that's probably all the news I have to offer you right now, except that I've been to the gym three times this week (and swimming once) and my muscles are killing me. I'm going to go swimming every Wednesday night, though, if anyone wants to join me. :) (Ladies only - it's ladies' night, although if any guys want to go sometime I'm up for suggestions!)
Tuesday 6 July 2010
News - AFF
My internet is very sporadic atm - the laptop overheats, even with a cooling fan on, and that makes the dongle overheat and malfunction and I get cut off. Mostly I'm using my limited time online to keep up with friends on FB, so I'm on here very rarely. I should write a proper note one of these days when I'm offline, and then I'll just have to copy-paste it into here, but I haven't done it yet.
I don't know how it is that when I don't actually have anything to do with my time - uni's over until October, and I'm off work until I get the new computer - I seem to have even less time and energy than normal. Bizarre. *rolls eyes*
Anyway, over the last couple weeks I've mostly vegged out. Gardened a bit. Lay in the sun a lot. Made cornbread and tuna-pasta salad, which was my contribution to 4th of July dinner. Bought too much frilly underwear in Ann Summers.
Here's the chemise I bought - you can't see it wonderfully well, but it's red and black lace and satin, with pretty ribbons. Not at all the kind of thing I usually wear - I mostly go for white and pastels - but it's kind of cute.
Did that come out the right way up? Because for some reason my computer is showing my pics the wrong way up when I'm looking at the menu, but the right way up when I'm looking at them separately. I'm totally tech-retarded, though, and can't manage to fix it, although I'm sure Oli would have it right within 30 seconds. *shakes head sadly*
OK, I need to go to bed.
I don't know how it is that when I don't actually have anything to do with my time - uni's over until October, and I'm off work until I get the new computer - I seem to have even less time and energy than normal. Bizarre. *rolls eyes*
Anyway, over the last couple weeks I've mostly vegged out. Gardened a bit. Lay in the sun a lot. Made cornbread and tuna-pasta salad, which was my contribution to 4th of July dinner. Bought too much frilly underwear in Ann Summers.
Here's the chemise I bought - you can't see it wonderfully well, but it's red and black lace and satin, with pretty ribbons. Not at all the kind of thing I usually wear - I mostly go for white and pastels - but it's kind of cute.
Did that come out the right way up? Because for some reason my computer is showing my pics the wrong way up when I'm looking at the menu, but the right way up when I'm looking at them separately. I'm totally tech-retarded, though, and can't manage to fix it, although I'm sure Oli would have it right within 30 seconds. *shakes head sadly*
OK, I need to go to bed.
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