Lachrymosity

I cry when I'm angry.

This means I cry when my ex is being a douche; when my mother presses my buttons (and she does it better than anyone I know); when the Twin does something selfish when I know he's better than that; when I talk about the first Passover; when someone accuses me of doing something that they should know I wouldn't do if they knew anything at all about my character; when one of the kids at work does drugs or gets someone pregnant again (or gets pregnant again); when one of the kids gets arrested deservedly; when one of the kids gets arrested undeservedly; when my brother says something stupid and thoughtless about my weight or eating habits; when people ask me why I don't go on holiday / throw big parties / learn to drive and I have to tell them AGAIN that I don't have any money and then fend off mystified stares; when people constantly question my intelligence; when I find celery in a soup or other food that didn't say celery on the label; when someone borrows my clothes and smokes in them when I've asked them not to; when I try to cook something that I used to cook well and it goes completely wrong; when I see Juliet; when my clothes don't fit; when mom damages the spine of yet another book of mine; when I read political news articles; when I look at YouTube comments; and sometimes when the alarm goes off in the mornings.

I cry when I'm sad.

This means I cry when I talk to dead people; when I have nightmares; when my ex is being a douche; when I think of much of my childhood; when my mom is sad; when I watch the ending of Terminator 2; when I read Caroline B. Cooney's The Stranger; when I think of my parents dying; when I think about my BFF's marriage; when I think about Julian; when I watch Carousel or South Pacific; when I hear the words Agent Orange; when I watch a movie with Heath Ledger or Brad Renfro; when I read L.J. Smith's Forbidden Game trilogy; when I look at nine words someone sent me once; when I read old conversations between me and K; when I run into K; when I remember how my Dad's voice used to sound when he called me darling; when I give away or throw away books or clothes; when I remember that I won't ever be a surgeon or a photographer or a jewellery-maker ever (or ever again, for those last two); when a limited-edition food or make-up that I really like stops being sold; and when characters die in my favourite TV programs.

I cry when I'm afraid.

This means I cry when I think I'm going to throw up; when someone near me throws up; when I think about parasites invading my body; when I have to clear up maggots; when I dream about snakes (curiously, when I'm awake snakes don't bother me); when I'm swimming and I see a jellyfish; when I have the dead-baby dream; when I see black-and-white checkerboard tiles; when I see dark purple petunias; when I see Greek columns that aren't supporting anything; when I see Zeppelin airships; when I think of Pripyat; when I see barbed-wire fences with metal towers in the background; when I find myself thinking of Kenji's stories about the Ainu; when I find a toddler alone in a supermarket and don't know what the fuck to do with it (look around for a parent? Stand there keeping an eye on it and hope a parent comes soon, maybe getting mistaken for a child molestor? Go find security and leave the kid? Take the kid to security and chance the parent coming back and finding it missing? I am not a child-oriented person, unfortunately children do not seem to realise this); when I see pictures of New Zealand; when I see Miyazaki's On Your Mark video; when one of my friends talks - seriously or hyperbolically - about suicide; and when I can't figure out how to pay all the bills.

I cry when I'm overwhelmed.

This means I cry when I read Dean Koontz books; when I read Christopher Pike books; when God talks to me; when the moon looks red; when I have any of the spaceship dreams; when I hear (or sing) Carly Simon's Let the River Run; when I see the tree in the golden field at the end of Knowing; when I read about ancient civilisations; when I read the Chronicles of Narnia; when I read or see Lord of the Rings (they play all three of the main movies at Christmas - it's a very wet time in this house); when I hear Regina Spektor's The Call; when I think about time travel; when I look at nebulae; when I hear any of Clubroot's music; when I get to the mythical sections of any Pokémon game; when I hear the words "Tetragrammaton" or "New Jerusalem"; when I'm at the Teide National Park in Tenerife; when I remember past lives; when I see possible future ones; when I have really really great sex; when I think about living in Japan; when I get a compliment from someone I really admire; when I have dreams about when the continents were different; when Kenji tells me about the Ainu (yes, again); when the sheer weight of time presses on me; when I am just on the verge of remembering everything I've forgotten; and when I have a crush.

Occasionally I cry when I'm happy.

This means I cry when I watch the dancing / bedroom scene between Sarah and Karl in Love, Actually; when I look at real estate in Tokyo or Kyoto; when I see Example's eyes in the Kickstarts music video; when I read any of L.J. Smith's books other than Forbidden Game; when it's Halloween or I think about Halloween; when I see the leaves turn colour; when I'm at the beach or swimming in the ocean; when I think about going to watch live sports; when I read sappy Rebecca Winters books; when I see cherry blossom; when a new Pokémon game comes out; when I think of marrying the Love of my Life; when I talk to Anna; when I read Mary Francis Shura's Summer Dreams, Winter Love; when I read Christopher Pike's Final Friends trilogy or the beginning of Scavenger Hunt or Gimme a Kiss; when I think about attending high school in the USA; when I see Homecoming Queen sceptres; when I go shopping and everything looks good; when I get a dress-shopping scene in a book I love; when I date a man who's big enough and strong enough to pick me up and / or sit me on his lap; when it's time to get my autumn clothes out; when school starts again; when I meet a guy I'm really attracted to and then find out he speaks Japanese; when I write a piece of writing that's well-received; when Morgan says something totally gloriously romantic to Garcia on Criminal Minds; when I dream about skiing or ice skating; when I watch Chage & Aska on MTV Unplugged; when I see Prof Brian Cox smile; and when I do something well that I thought I couldn't do.


Perhaps this is why I'm single.