Apollo In My Dreams

Sometimes when I think of the SBD, I call him Apollo. I call him this because only twice in my life have I met people so shiny and golden that it actually hurts to look at them sometimes, and he's one of them. Part of me wishes I could get him out of my head, because it's quite distracting when you're at work or in the middle of the supermarket - or, like yesterday, having your blood taken at the pathology lab - and you start grinning like a maniac because suddenly all you can think of is how, if the two of you had babies, they'd look like Barbie and Ken. It's also hard to sleep when all you can see when you close your eyes is the same person, over and over.

And yet I can't mind, not really, because when I see him in my dreams I'm not afraid to sleep. I still keep the light on, but even that may change soon. (Note, I said MAY.) I talk to him in my sleep and I wake feeling refreshed, which is something I haven't felt in years. And when I see him when I'm awake, even the worst day is suddenly brighter.

I remember this one paragraph, from one of Frank Downey's "Naked in School" stories that I read a year ago, and it went something like,

"But how do you know if you love someone?"
"When I've had a good day, he comes along and makes it a great day. When I've had a so-so day, he makes it a good day. And if I've had the worst day in a month? He makes it bearable."

It wasn't EXACTLY those words, and I can't check out the direct quote - or whose story it was, although I have a feeling it might have been Missy and David - but I remember thinking it was the best description of love I'd seen, and when I see or talk with Apollo I feel this even more.

I'm not in love. Loving someone and being in love are not the same thing. And you can't be in love with someone you don't really know all that well, anyway. But I do love him, against all rationality. Whether he loves me or not...time will tell. I certainly know that I intrigue him, and he thinks about me sometimes, just out of the blue. So I suppose that's a good start.

Things are...well, so-so. I shouldn't have bitched about Mom so much the other day, but I suppose what's done is done. I cancelled the insurance, so my hope of learning to drive this autumn has gone down the drain, not that I could really afford it anyway. Maybe I can pick up a cheap car to learn on at some point, but for now I'm doomed to take the bus. At least the buses to and from DeHavilland seem to run fairly regularly, until ten at night, and then every hour until midnight. Perhaps come winter I won't be so cheerful about long bus journeys late at night, but for now I'm not too unhappy. Although I sure wish it wouldn't rain so much. I've been soaked so much this week I'm actually surprised I'm not starting to smell of mildew.

If I lived in Montreal, in a nice apartment, I wouldn't have to go outside in the winter AT ALL if I didn't want to, because they have a system of underground tunnels that can be accessed by most of the major buildings. Or if I lived in Minneapolis, they have a skyway system in the downtown area that serves more or less the same purpose, although some of the skywalks can only be accessed at certain times of day. Or even if I lived and worked in Canary Wharf. That would work, except that the apartments there cost a fortune. Part of me can't believe that I'm even considering using ways of avoiding rain as a factor in my choice of where to live, but meh. I hate rain. I know it's necessary, I know it's good for the crops, I know we couldn't live without it, I know there are countries in Africa and Asia that would give anything for rain...I KNOW all this. I'm not saying it's not necessary, I'm just saying, I don't like it. My body hurts when it's damp outside. Often, on rainy days, it's all I can do to get out of bed. And since I work from home a lot of the time, I'm happy to stay in when it's raining...aside from the twin problems of grocery shopping and the gym. If I lived in a city where I could get to the gym and the supermarket without getting wet...yeah, that would be heavenly. Even if I had an apartment in St. Albans, I wouldn't have to get wet when I went to the gym, as long as my apartment had underground parking, because my gym is directly accessible from Christopher Place car park. But if we had tunnels, that would be even better. A lot of people find tunnel systems to be creepy, even when they're well-lit, well-maintained ones like in Montreal, with shops and dry-cleaners and cafes. But I love the idea. If I could live somewhere where I could do whatever I needed without ever going outside...well, I could happily go without even seeing the light of day from November through March.

For now, though, I'm getting soaked to the skin most days, because from the first of September until college starts, I'm not eating ANY junk, and I'm going to the gym every day, unless I have a hospital appointment. I'm hoping that if I do both those things, I'll shed some of the extra weight by the time college starts.

It's only the fourth or fifth, and already I'm thinking about pizza. But I suppose it's OK to think about it, as long as I don't eat it. I politely refused the donut I was offered yesterday after my blood tests, though, so I guess that's a point in my favor.

Of course, this is all assuming that I've actually been accepted to college. Eleven days and they still haven't sent me a letter saying that my application's been accepted, and there doesn't appear to be anywhere on their website to check if it's been processed or not. And I was going to call them before I went out today, but Chris gave me a lift into town, and I forgot. So now I can't call until Monday. Meh. I want to know if I'm on the course, so I can book any fun courses I want to take around it. And I want to buy clothes, and school supplies. September is always my favourite month, and buying pencils and pens and ringbinders and paper and textbooks, and then boots and knit dresses and sweaters and jackets, is my favourite pastime. I'm frugal throughout the rest of the year, aside from Christmas and birthdays, but I spend a lot of money on clothes in autumn. I got a raspberry-colored cardigan and a black knee-length skirt from H & M, and some brown court shoes with low heels from New Look (to go with all my brown clothes; I always think a brown outfit and black shoes looks ridiculous), and if they get comfortable in the next few days I may get another pair in black, since I need black shoes too. And I got a black Victorian cardigan and an identical one in duck-egg blue, with puffed sleeves and lace at the top, from Sainsburys for £3.60 each - how cool is that? And this wonderful suit jacket from Marks & Spencers, which I'd been eyeing up all summer but knew that I couldn't afford, and then I found it on sale for £25 - less than half price.

I felt somewhat guilty about spending that much money on something, but hell, I need a suit, and it's always impossible for me to find one because I'm allergic to the linings that the shops use. I was thinking that I'd have to get one made up by a tailor, with a cotton lining, and that would cost a fortune. But then I found this one, in linen but with a elastane-blend that means it doesn't crease, and it doesn't HAVE a lining, so I'm happy. And I can wear it with just about any skirt and it'll look fine. Hell, I can even wear it with jeans if I don't have to dress up. Jeans and a nice jacket are great for work.

Speaking of which, I need new jeans, the zipper has gone on the ones I have, and I'm sort of bulging out of them. But I'm not sure if I should get new jeans NOW, or wait until I'm a bit thinner. And I want this wine-red soft sweater that I saw in H & M, with half-sleeves and a really deep cowl-neck, that would go perfectly with my black skirt and my red shoes. And I also need a few skirts - I only have like three for the whole of the winter. Of course, I don't have the money for most of these things, since I spent all my last paycheck on tuition, and next Tuesday's mostly goes to the bank plus a train ticket to see my Dad. But maybe I can squeeze enough out of it for shoes, or the sweater, or something. If not, I'll have to take some extra work - I'm doing paperwork at home for the center, but Kell has been bugging me to be a model for him again, and I know he'll pay me quite well. *sigh* I don't know why I didn't agree to work for him a few months ago, then I could have gotten myself driving this autumn. I just don't feel comfortable modelling at the moment. I'm not comfortable with my body, because I've put on SO much weight since just after Christmas, when I got sick, and a lot of it's gone round my stomach and arms. I don't look nice, and I don't feel sexy, and you can't really model when you don't feel or look good, even if the photographer is telling you that you do. You have to be comfortable in yourself - at least *I* do - and I just don't, at the moment.

We'll see. I may have to do it anyway, since I'm having trouble paying my bills and buying all the stuff I need. I only managed to buy the clothes because I found sales, and I haven't gone out in months, and I've been scrimping on foods.

Meh. I'll work it out somehow. But dammit, University of Herts, send me my confirmation letter so I can go and buy textbooks!