The last few months have been something of a nightmare for me, and I've mostly held it together, creating a cheerful shell around my worries in order to survive with my sanity intact. Now the cracks in that shell are starting to appear. This, coupled with the fact that I'm fairly sure my implant's malfunctioning, has turned me into a needy, whiny, moody bitch, and I'm sorry to say that the people I love most are the ones who are getting the brunt of it. The other day I picked a fight with Oli, my closest friend, probably the person I love most in the world after my Mom, over - guess what? The fact that HE HAD TO GO HOME. That, plus a few other things, the most illogical and self-pitying being that I thought he wasn't attracted to me anymore. We had a lovely visit the other day, and I was happier than I'd been in months. So after a really nice day, we're standing there on the street corner, and I have my arms crossed in front of me and my hands hugging my arms, classic stay-away posture, and I'm refusing to look at him, and these words are coming out of my mouth - words that I know are bad, I know are wrong, I KNOW I shouldn't be saying and don't even WANT to say, but somehow I can't control myself, and I say, "I don't think we should see each other anymore."
Why? It's not even clear to me, to be honest. Something along the lines of, I don't see you as much as I want to, and every time you leave I feel lonely and in pain, even though I know you'll call me on the phone later, so I need to you stop calling me and stop visiting so I don't have to deal with the pain of not seeing you. Which is pretty irrational, really. Also, the idea that he didn't fancy me anymore...well, I can understand that one a little better. I don't feel fanciable right now. My stomach is sticking out where it used to be pretty flat, and my breasts are larger than they were last year, and I've grown from just under 5'6" to 5'8" in the last two years, and my hips are more flared, and my arms have more fat on them. My hair is chin-length, and half of it is brown now, because I'm not lightening my roots anymore, so the roots look fairly trailer-parkish. I have gray at my temples. The skin on my face looks dull, because I'm not getting enough nutrients in my diet, and my legs are still scarred and bitten all over by creatures unknown, because my doctor can't seem to fit me into the skin clinic at the surgery. (I'm going to have to go private, but I can't afford it.) Even my eyes and my smile, usually my best features, look tired, which is no coincidence.
In short, I don't feel sexy. I don't even feel pretty. And I don't really understand why anyone would be attracted to me right now. I was never a supermodel before, but at least I had...something. A certain sparkle that drew people to me. Most of the time right now, I don't feel that sparkle, or see it in the mirror, although apparently other people can still see it. So I can sort of understand why I was feeling unattractive and needing reassurance, although that gives me no excuse for picking on him about it.
But the other stuff? Totally ridiculous. It was illogical, irrational, unfair and unnecessary.
Chris - Chris my therapist, not Lauren's Chris - calls this transference. He says it happens often: you have something in your life that's troubling you, and for one reason or another, you can't really do anything about it. So you push it aside, and you (consciously or unconsciously) focus that worry on something else, something that you CAN do something about. You're not actually worried about the thing that you whine and cry about, but it's a visible focus for your emotion. Apparently this is what girls - and boys - with eating disorders do. They feel that their lives are out of control, but they can't do anything about whatever's bothering them, so they shift the anxiety onto their weight, which they can control. Of course, they can't even control it as much as they want to, so they become more and more desperate to stay thin.
According to Chris, I've had a tough year. I suppose this is true, but it's not something that I often admit to. When people ask me how I am, I say fine. Even when someone really looks at me and says, "Boy, you've had a rough year, you must be exhausted," I usually respond with, "I've had worse years." Which is true, but irrelevant. Basically, I don't admit that I'm struggling. But it's true. It's been very stressful. Glandular fever, Jackie nearly dying, my Dad's stroke, my Mom's reliance on me, no Curt to lean on, no energy to see friends, using up all of my savings on travelling to see my Dad, being ill and nobody knowing what's wrong, not being able to go back to work, too much work at home for too little pay, feeling unattractive, my suspected heart condition, and the guilt of not being able to be there for both my parents at once: that constant, stomach-eating guilt...yeah, it's been a hard year. Not hard enough to cause PTSD, like 2005 was, but enough to make me stressed out and more tired than usual. Couple that with a hormone imbalance that gives me PMS-like symptoms all the time, and no wonder I'm overreacting to everything under the sun.
Chris says not to feel too rotten about acting like a brat, but I still do. I really need to apologize for that again.
The plus side, of course, is that now I know he loves me. He must love me at least a little, because he tolerates me even when I'm at my most intolerable, and always tries to soothe my fears and make me feel better. I'm not talking romantic, forever love, but any love is wonderful to have right now.
A lot of these worries, I really can't do anything about. I can't make my parents better, and I can't see my Dad as often as I want to without taking out another bank loan. I can't do anything to make Curt want me in his life again. I can't really do anything about my health, either - doctors are looking into that, and either they'll find something they can fix, or they won't. But Jackie's better now, so that's a load off my mind. The feeling unattractive will mostly go when I've lost some weight, so I'm trying to either go to the gym or take an hour's walk every day. Work and money will sort themselves out, and for now I'm staying afloat - mostly - and by next August I'll have paid off my bank loan, so that'll help a lot. And probably at least some of the health problems will improve a little if I start eating properly. For months now I've been balancing on a thin wall between lack of appetite and anorexia, and only willpower has kept me from falling down on the wrong side, but if I start forcing myself to eat healthily and regularly, then that should have some benefits, at least for my mood and my energy levels. As for the hormone imbalance, I need to get re-referred to the gynaecologist. I don't know why he took me off his books - with my type of implant, I'm supposed to get it checked every year, and I haven't had it checked since October of 2006 - but I need to have him check it now. I'll have to make an appointment with my GP in order to get the referral, and I need to talk to him about a couple of other things - I've found out recently that with one of my painkillers, they've been fobbing me off with a dosage that's nine times lower than the usual minimum - so I need to try and make an appointment soon. Appointments with my GP are like gold dust, so if I make one now I'll hopefully get to see him before college starts.
I DID get onto the college course, and classes start the second week of October. I need to email the uni, though, to tell them I got the message - for some reason they called and left a message with my Mom, instead of sending me a confirmation letter - and find out if I need any textbooks or other equipment. So, come October, this girl will finally be a university student. Better late than never, I guess. And sure, it isn't a degree course or anything, but again, better than nothing. And I'm really looking forward to it - both the fact that I'm a student again, and the classes themselves.
It's getting late and I need to go to bed, so I guess I'll leave you there, with a hearty apology for any bratty behavior that I may have exhibited towards any of you recently. Take care of yourselves, and enjoy the crispness in the air and the falling leaves! Best season of the year!
Why? It's not even clear to me, to be honest. Something along the lines of, I don't see you as much as I want to, and every time you leave I feel lonely and in pain, even though I know you'll call me on the phone later, so I need to you stop calling me and stop visiting so I don't have to deal with the pain of not seeing you. Which is pretty irrational, really. Also, the idea that he didn't fancy me anymore...well, I can understand that one a little better. I don't feel fanciable right now. My stomach is sticking out where it used to be pretty flat, and my breasts are larger than they were last year, and I've grown from just under 5'6" to 5'8" in the last two years, and my hips are more flared, and my arms have more fat on them. My hair is chin-length, and half of it is brown now, because I'm not lightening my roots anymore, so the roots look fairly trailer-parkish. I have gray at my temples. The skin on my face looks dull, because I'm not getting enough nutrients in my diet, and my legs are still scarred and bitten all over by creatures unknown, because my doctor can't seem to fit me into the skin clinic at the surgery. (I'm going to have to go private, but I can't afford it.) Even my eyes and my smile, usually my best features, look tired, which is no coincidence.
In short, I don't feel sexy. I don't even feel pretty. And I don't really understand why anyone would be attracted to me right now. I was never a supermodel before, but at least I had...something. A certain sparkle that drew people to me. Most of the time right now, I don't feel that sparkle, or see it in the mirror, although apparently other people can still see it. So I can sort of understand why I was feeling unattractive and needing reassurance, although that gives me no excuse for picking on him about it.
But the other stuff? Totally ridiculous. It was illogical, irrational, unfair and unnecessary.
Chris - Chris my therapist, not Lauren's Chris - calls this transference. He says it happens often: you have something in your life that's troubling you, and for one reason or another, you can't really do anything about it. So you push it aside, and you (consciously or unconsciously) focus that worry on something else, something that you CAN do something about. You're not actually worried about the thing that you whine and cry about, but it's a visible focus for your emotion. Apparently this is what girls - and boys - with eating disorders do. They feel that their lives are out of control, but they can't do anything about whatever's bothering them, so they shift the anxiety onto their weight, which they can control. Of course, they can't even control it as much as they want to, so they become more and more desperate to stay thin.
According to Chris, I've had a tough year. I suppose this is true, but it's not something that I often admit to. When people ask me how I am, I say fine. Even when someone really looks at me and says, "Boy, you've had a rough year, you must be exhausted," I usually respond with, "I've had worse years." Which is true, but irrelevant. Basically, I don't admit that I'm struggling. But it's true. It's been very stressful. Glandular fever, Jackie nearly dying, my Dad's stroke, my Mom's reliance on me, no Curt to lean on, no energy to see friends, using up all of my savings on travelling to see my Dad, being ill and nobody knowing what's wrong, not being able to go back to work, too much work at home for too little pay, feeling unattractive, my suspected heart condition, and the guilt of not being able to be there for both my parents at once: that constant, stomach-eating guilt...yeah, it's been a hard year. Not hard enough to cause PTSD, like 2005 was, but enough to make me stressed out and more tired than usual. Couple that with a hormone imbalance that gives me PMS-like symptoms all the time, and no wonder I'm overreacting to everything under the sun.
Chris says not to feel too rotten about acting like a brat, but I still do. I really need to apologize for that again.
The plus side, of course, is that now I know he loves me. He must love me at least a little, because he tolerates me even when I'm at my most intolerable, and always tries to soothe my fears and make me feel better. I'm not talking romantic, forever love, but any love is wonderful to have right now.
A lot of these worries, I really can't do anything about. I can't make my parents better, and I can't see my Dad as often as I want to without taking out another bank loan. I can't do anything to make Curt want me in his life again. I can't really do anything about my health, either - doctors are looking into that, and either they'll find something they can fix, or they won't. But Jackie's better now, so that's a load off my mind. The feeling unattractive will mostly go when I've lost some weight, so I'm trying to either go to the gym or take an hour's walk every day. Work and money will sort themselves out, and for now I'm staying afloat - mostly - and by next August I'll have paid off my bank loan, so that'll help a lot. And probably at least some of the health problems will improve a little if I start eating properly. For months now I've been balancing on a thin wall between lack of appetite and anorexia, and only willpower has kept me from falling down on the wrong side, but if I start forcing myself to eat healthily and regularly, then that should have some benefits, at least for my mood and my energy levels. As for the hormone imbalance, I need to get re-referred to the gynaecologist. I don't know why he took me off his books - with my type of implant, I'm supposed to get it checked every year, and I haven't had it checked since October of 2006 - but I need to have him check it now. I'll have to make an appointment with my GP in order to get the referral, and I need to talk to him about a couple of other things - I've found out recently that with one of my painkillers, they've been fobbing me off with a dosage that's nine times lower than the usual minimum - so I need to try and make an appointment soon. Appointments with my GP are like gold dust, so if I make one now I'll hopefully get to see him before college starts.
I DID get onto the college course, and classes start the second week of October. I need to email the uni, though, to tell them I got the message - for some reason they called and left a message with my Mom, instead of sending me a confirmation letter - and find out if I need any textbooks or other equipment. So, come October, this girl will finally be a university student. Better late than never, I guess. And sure, it isn't a degree course or anything, but again, better than nothing. And I'm really looking forward to it - both the fact that I'm a student again, and the classes themselves.
It's getting late and I need to go to bed, so I guess I'll leave you there, with a hearty apology for any bratty behavior that I may have exhibited towards any of you recently. Take care of yourselves, and enjoy the crispness in the air and the falling leaves! Best season of the year!
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