I owe you guys a news update, but it'll have to be a fairly short one, because I'm hungry and tired and want to go home.
I haven't been well recently, as you may know. I've been in and out of hospital, having all sorts of tests - ultrasounds on various parts of my body, a whole bunch of scans, trace ECGs, six rounds of blood tests in the last two months, blah blah blah...and nobody seems to have a diagnosis yet. Could be anything. Could be nothing. I feel like hell, so maybe it's not nothing, but then sometimes I feel like hell for no apparent reason. Sorry, I'm not being particularly coherent. I'm just so tired. I can't sleep properly at night, and I've had a cold that kept me in bed for ten days - and with the amount of illness I've had in my life, it lost its novelty a long time ago, and these days something has to be REALLY bad to keep me in bed - and now my immune system has gone into overdrive and the ME is three times as bad as it normally is, and half the time I'm screeching (internally) in pain. And my GP's response? To REDUCE my medications.
Mom isn't any better than I am. She screwed up her back a couple months ago, lifting something she shouldn't have been lifting, and now the doctors are telling her that her spinal cord's gone so thin in places that if she continues the way she's been going, it'll snap and she'll be a paraplegic for the rest of her life. So she can't lift anything more than ten pounds, and she can't bend, and for most people this wouldn't be all that much of a problem, because most people aren't as stubborn as my mother. Most people, their doctor tells them this and they listen, and they wait for someone else to do the things that need doing. But my mom, if she wants a big box picked up, or the furniture moved, or the grocery shopping done, she waits for a couple hours or so, and then if you forget, or are busy doing something else, she does it herself against all medical advice. So I have to be completely vigilant, and do whatever she asks me to, WHENever she asks me to, and not wait for the boys to help, or she'll do it anyway. She needs an operation on it, but God knows when that will be. Most likely it'll put next summer's America plans on hold, though.
God, I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being in pain, and tired of lifting heavy things that I shouldn't be lifting, and tired of taking on badly-paid work just to pay all the stupid bills, and tired of being everything, all the time. A person should have some sort of support network, and not rely on one person for everything they need, physically and emotionally.
Not everything in my life right now is a tragedy, but much of it is exhausting. Lauren's younger brother is now living with us - has been for a month or more, I think - as his Mom and stepdad smacked him around and kicked him out of the house. It's nice having him around, and he's a really sweet boy, but there's that constant worry about what's going to happen to him. He can't or won't go home - I think that even if his Mom decides she wants him back, he won't go, because the stepfather has a history of violence with all three of the older kids - and he really doesn't want to go into care. Understandable, because he's in his last year of school, and only has one more year until he's allowed to live on his own. But for this year, it's worrying. Lauren is trying to get legal guardianship of him, but hell, she's only 19, and is barely managing to support herself, let alone her brother. So they've been onto Social Services, who are being long-winded and as yet unhelpful, although we have had a social worker over to the house to see if it's suitable for him to live in. (Yes, I've stopped walking around in my underwear, LOL.)
The main issue, aside from whether they'll allow a 19-year-old to have legal custody of a 15-year-old, is the money. Lauren works at Wilkinson. She doesn't earn a whole lot of money. Her boyfriend Chris seems to live with us more often than not, and he's a mechanic, but he doesn't have a vast amount of money either. The two of them together do not make enough money to support three people. Dad lives in London and keeps telling Lauren to "handle things". Grandma would take Ryan in, but she lives on a pension, in a one-bedroom flat. So unless Social Services are willing to pay Lauren to be his guardian, he'll have to go into care. Dad pays maintenance to Mom, and has now asked the courts to change the order so that the money goes to Lauren, but it all takes time.
I hope he doesn't have to go into care, and I hope that the three of them don't have to move out of the house into a new place. Sometimes Social Services will only pay for housing if they find the place for you, and other times they'll pay for it anywhere. If I had the money, or a better job, or if I didn't have to look after Mom, I'd take him in myself. He's a sweet boy, and he doesn't deserve all the shit he's gone through recently. (Yeah, I know, nobody deserves stuff like that.) But I'm barely staying afloat as it is. Hell, when I'm this sick, I have trouble looking after myself, let alone Mom. There's no way I can take care of a kid as well, and neither can Mom.
If they decide to give Lauren the money for his rent and food, things will be OK. The five of us - Mom, Lauren, Chris, Ryan and me - have somehow, in the last month, turned into a slightly-odd but nonetheless affectionate family. And while it's a bit crowded having five of us in a three-bedroom house, we manage. If Social Services will pay his rent and food - and it's not unreasonable to hope that they will; they would have to pay his foster parents if he went into care - then Lauren can stop working quite as much as she is right now, and maybe start smiling again. I can only hope.
I wish the SBD were here. I miss him. I haven't seen him around. He hasn't been thinking of me recently, either. I can always hear when I'm on his mind. Although next week I'm going to try to get to Batchwood, if I'm not feeling too fat, and perhaps he'll be there.
The last two weeks, I've lost my joie de vivre, and I'm hoping that this week will help get it back. I hardly ever get sick this early in the autumn - usually I'm fine through to November - and I really want to feel a little better before I've missed the autumn for another year. I've already missed the pickling season, which is one of my favourite parts of the year. My last mango chutney turned out terrible - I put way too much vinegar in it - and I haven't had the chance to make another. At the beginning of the autumn I was taking long walks in the evenings, but I haven't managed to do that since mid-September. However, college finally starts tomorrow, and I'm excited about that. As excited as I manage to get about anything at the moment, anyway. Although I'm praying that it doesn't rain - an hour and a half's commute either way, in the rain, will not be fun.
Payday tomorrow as well, and although the bank will eat up most of it (especially since I wasn't able to work for two of the weeks this month) it's always nice to get paid.
So there's still hope. I'm hoping that Social Services will come through for us, and not throw a 15-year-old boy to the wolves. I'm hoping that my doctors will give me the medications I need. I'm hoping that my cold will clear up enough for me to go back to the gym, because exercise is one of the best pain relievers around. I'm hoping that Mom's back clears up enough that I don't have to be on constant alert. I'm hoping that the weather stays clear - aside from today, when it rained, the last two weeks have been gloriously autumnal. I'm hoping that my classes are interesting, and I meet some good people. Who knows, maybe one of them will be a rich businessman who has to travel to Japan for work, and he'll fall in love with me and take me away from all my problems.
Anyone who says money doesn't buy happiness has never tried to live without it.
I haven't been well recently, as you may know. I've been in and out of hospital, having all sorts of tests - ultrasounds on various parts of my body, a whole bunch of scans, trace ECGs, six rounds of blood tests in the last two months, blah blah blah...and nobody seems to have a diagnosis yet. Could be anything. Could be nothing. I feel like hell, so maybe it's not nothing, but then sometimes I feel like hell for no apparent reason. Sorry, I'm not being particularly coherent. I'm just so tired. I can't sleep properly at night, and I've had a cold that kept me in bed for ten days - and with the amount of illness I've had in my life, it lost its novelty a long time ago, and these days something has to be REALLY bad to keep me in bed - and now my immune system has gone into overdrive and the ME is three times as bad as it normally is, and half the time I'm screeching (internally) in pain. And my GP's response? To REDUCE my medications.
Mom isn't any better than I am. She screwed up her back a couple months ago, lifting something she shouldn't have been lifting, and now the doctors are telling her that her spinal cord's gone so thin in places that if she continues the way she's been going, it'll snap and she'll be a paraplegic for the rest of her life. So she can't lift anything more than ten pounds, and she can't bend, and for most people this wouldn't be all that much of a problem, because most people aren't as stubborn as my mother. Most people, their doctor tells them this and they listen, and they wait for someone else to do the things that need doing. But my mom, if she wants a big box picked up, or the furniture moved, or the grocery shopping done, she waits for a couple hours or so, and then if you forget, or are busy doing something else, she does it herself against all medical advice. So I have to be completely vigilant, and do whatever she asks me to, WHENever she asks me to, and not wait for the boys to help, or she'll do it anyway. She needs an operation on it, but God knows when that will be. Most likely it'll put next summer's America plans on hold, though.
God, I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being in pain, and tired of lifting heavy things that I shouldn't be lifting, and tired of taking on badly-paid work just to pay all the stupid bills, and tired of being everything, all the time. A person should have some sort of support network, and not rely on one person for everything they need, physically and emotionally.
Not everything in my life right now is a tragedy, but much of it is exhausting. Lauren's younger brother is now living with us - has been for a month or more, I think - as his Mom and stepdad smacked him around and kicked him out of the house. It's nice having him around, and he's a really sweet boy, but there's that constant worry about what's going to happen to him. He can't or won't go home - I think that even if his Mom decides she wants him back, he won't go, because the stepfather has a history of violence with all three of the older kids - and he really doesn't want to go into care. Understandable, because he's in his last year of school, and only has one more year until he's allowed to live on his own. But for this year, it's worrying. Lauren is trying to get legal guardianship of him, but hell, she's only 19, and is barely managing to support herself, let alone her brother. So they've been onto Social Services, who are being long-winded and as yet unhelpful, although we have had a social worker over to the house to see if it's suitable for him to live in. (Yes, I've stopped walking around in my underwear, LOL.)
The main issue, aside from whether they'll allow a 19-year-old to have legal custody of a 15-year-old, is the money. Lauren works at Wilkinson. She doesn't earn a whole lot of money. Her boyfriend Chris seems to live with us more often than not, and he's a mechanic, but he doesn't have a vast amount of money either. The two of them together do not make enough money to support three people. Dad lives in London and keeps telling Lauren to "handle things". Grandma would take Ryan in, but she lives on a pension, in a one-bedroom flat. So unless Social Services are willing to pay Lauren to be his guardian, he'll have to go into care. Dad pays maintenance to Mom, and has now asked the courts to change the order so that the money goes to Lauren, but it all takes time.
I hope he doesn't have to go into care, and I hope that the three of them don't have to move out of the house into a new place. Sometimes Social Services will only pay for housing if they find the place for you, and other times they'll pay for it anywhere. If I had the money, or a better job, or if I didn't have to look after Mom, I'd take him in myself. He's a sweet boy, and he doesn't deserve all the shit he's gone through recently. (Yeah, I know, nobody deserves stuff like that.) But I'm barely staying afloat as it is. Hell, when I'm this sick, I have trouble looking after myself, let alone Mom. There's no way I can take care of a kid as well, and neither can Mom.
If they decide to give Lauren the money for his rent and food, things will be OK. The five of us - Mom, Lauren, Chris, Ryan and me - have somehow, in the last month, turned into a slightly-odd but nonetheless affectionate family. And while it's a bit crowded having five of us in a three-bedroom house, we manage. If Social Services will pay his rent and food - and it's not unreasonable to hope that they will; they would have to pay his foster parents if he went into care - then Lauren can stop working quite as much as she is right now, and maybe start smiling again. I can only hope.
I wish the SBD were here. I miss him. I haven't seen him around. He hasn't been thinking of me recently, either. I can always hear when I'm on his mind. Although next week I'm going to try to get to Batchwood, if I'm not feeling too fat, and perhaps he'll be there.
The last two weeks, I've lost my joie de vivre, and I'm hoping that this week will help get it back. I hardly ever get sick this early in the autumn - usually I'm fine through to November - and I really want to feel a little better before I've missed the autumn for another year. I've already missed the pickling season, which is one of my favourite parts of the year. My last mango chutney turned out terrible - I put way too much vinegar in it - and I haven't had the chance to make another. At the beginning of the autumn I was taking long walks in the evenings, but I haven't managed to do that since mid-September. However, college finally starts tomorrow, and I'm excited about that. As excited as I manage to get about anything at the moment, anyway. Although I'm praying that it doesn't rain - an hour and a half's commute either way, in the rain, will not be fun.
Payday tomorrow as well, and although the bank will eat up most of it (especially since I wasn't able to work for two of the weeks this month) it's always nice to get paid.
So there's still hope. I'm hoping that Social Services will come through for us, and not throw a 15-year-old boy to the wolves. I'm hoping that my doctors will give me the medications I need. I'm hoping that my cold will clear up enough for me to go back to the gym, because exercise is one of the best pain relievers around. I'm hoping that Mom's back clears up enough that I don't have to be on constant alert. I'm hoping that the weather stays clear - aside from today, when it rained, the last two weeks have been gloriously autumnal. I'm hoping that my classes are interesting, and I meet some good people. Who knows, maybe one of them will be a rich businessman who has to travel to Japan for work, and he'll fall in love with me and take me away from all my problems.
Anyone who says money doesn't buy happiness has never tried to live without it.
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