The Problem With Protein

WARNING: Contains material that may be triggery, re. sexual abuse.

And with that out of the way...

I am scared of protein powders.

Probably several of you are laughing at that sentence, and that's a good thing. I approve of laughter - even in situations where it seems contraindicated, I think it's often people's best resource for holding off the dark.

Seven years ago a guy who I'd met once raped and tried to kill me. This all happened in my own home, in my own room. We'd mentioned the possibility of meeting for a drink earlier in the evening, but had never made concrete plans. So when he showed up at my door, angry and tired because he'd allegedly misunderstood the plans we made (or didn't) and traveled from London and gotten lost, I was surprised, but felt sorry enough to let him come in and spend the night.

He repeatedly raped and strangled me throughout the whole night, from about 11pm onwards. His original plan was to kill me whilst raping me, for some purposes that I won't go into here, but by 6.30 or 7am I'd pleased him enough that he decided to let me sleep for an hour or two, and then go off to work and come back later.

I did sleep, somewhat surprisingly. I was exhausted - I'd been up since 5 the previous morning, and I wasn't very well at the time. At 8 or 8.30 I was awakened by the most godawful smell. (It isn't unusual for aromas to wake me; I have a really sensitive nose and frequently wake up if my mom starts cooking.) It was a sour, slightly sweet, rotten smell, redolent of sulphur and vomit. When I opened my eyes, he was holding a bottle in front of my face with a pinky-brown, chunky substance in, and in my sleep deprived brain all I could think of was that he'd thrown up into a bottle and was now offering it to me.

He told me it was a protein shake, and that I should be drinking them. He said that he'd been really impressed with how strong I was in the night, how I'd almost fought him off (and that no girl had come so close to beating him before) and that he was going to put me on a strict regime to build my muscles and make me sleek and strong and teach me how to fight other people and win. That he could train me well. I think I was supposed to be flattered here. I'm not really sure.

Anyway, since then I've avoided protein shakes and powders like the plague. But I think it's time for me to get over that. Looking back at my diaries for the last month, it's a rare day when I even come near to my protein goals. I've tried upping them with foods, but I'm mildly intolerant of eggs (can eat one or two a week without symptoms, not more) and nuts (it's not a bad allergy like some people have, but I don't feel particularly well if I eat them more than occasionally - although I am going to try almond milk) and dairy (I can have cheese or milk once a day max unless I want major stomach cramps, although yoghurt doesn't seem to be a problem) and while I do eat meat, I can't afford to eat much. We're poor. Like, super-poor. I can afford to eat 1-2 oz of supermarket value brand chicken or pork 4-5 days a week, and beef on rare occasions. I'm allergic to seafood, although I manage to eat one particular brand of canned tuna.

And yes, I have tried siphoning money away from other things to pay for better food, but the only indulgences I have left that I could possibly give up are uni tuition, life insurance (I'm a full-time carer for my disabled mother, and worry about how she would survive if something happened to me) and my gym membership.

So it's time for me to start supplementing my diet. I want to try cutting the meat out, or at least severely down, so I'm looking around for trial packs (either free or not costing much) so I can find a protein powder that isn't going to trigger PTSD flashbacks when I smell it. A friend posted something about Sunwarrior lately, which is nicely serendipitous. They look very good, but I still don't want to spend forty bucks* on a kilo of the stuff until I've made sure the smell is okay.

Although - it's chocolate-flavoured. Which sways me a bit. :)

* Still cheaper than meat, though. And probably better for me.