In My Blood Like Holy Wine

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life, she knew your devils and your demons,
And she said, "Go to him,
Stay with him if you can -
But be prepared to bleed."

~ Joni Mitchell, A Case of You

LadyEllary posted a parable-of-sorts on her FB profile the other day, which has been the subject of much thought since then on my part. Consider:

Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."

I find it interesting to see how different people's reactions are to moral stories like these. The Lady and I, who are alike enough that we react similarly to things more often than not, took away quite different lessons in this case. Her reaction - which is probably the more sensible of the two - was to recognize that snakes are snakes and snakes don't, or can't, or won't change.

Mine was to wonder if the bitten woman thought that it was worth it.

This is not a new thought for me. It's something that I mull over in my brain for a few days every so often, and eventually put away to marinate, only to bring it out again in a few weeks, or months. Is pain ever worth it? Is danger? Is self-sacrifice? Are those who allow themselves to be bitten time after time merely masochists, doormats, or blind idiots? Does it make a difference if they get more good out of the experience than bad, and even with the bite in the end the balance is still in their favor?

Because, of course, not all snakes are poisonous. And not all poisons are fatal.

I get bitten, metaphorically, on a fairly regular basis. Usually by the same handful of people. As yet, none of the bites have proven deadly, although some have festered for a good long time. Nearly all of these people are still in my life, by my choice, even with the knowledge that years from now I'll most likely have another dozen scars to add to the dozen I already have. Some people get into your blood, I think, and you come to tolerate things from them that you wouldn't from others. They feel like a part of us, and for most of us it's easier to forgive ourselves bad behavior than to forgive those who are separate from us. It's easy to judge when we see this happening to our loved ones - we call them out on it, use words like abuse (which, to be fair, are sometimes applicable) and ask the ones we love why they put up with being treated this way. Why do you let them get away with it? Why don't you leave? Don't you think you're worth more? Don't you deserve better? Rarely do we acknowledge that what one person finds tolerable another would find intolerable; that what one considers to be abuse another would consider to be merely a low point in their relationship.

It is very difficult to see through the eyes of another when their boundaries are so different from your own.

Sometimes, of course, the perspective of the person outside the relationship is much more reliable than those of the people inside it. Some relationships ARE abusive. Some people ARE mistreated. Some people DO let those they love get away with unacceptable behaviors, because they're afraid of being alone, or they think they don't deserve better. Others, though...others stay not because they're afraid, or lacking in self-confidence, but because they truly feel like they are getting more good out of a situation than bad.

Oftentimes, too, we put ourselves in a situation, or remain in a situation, for ourselves. The other person's actions are not as important to us as our own. Much like giving money to beggars on the Underground who may or may not be homeless, when we don't know if they'll spend the money either on food for their kids or crack cocaine, for some people the act of giving matters more than the deservedness (or not) of the recipient. The pleasure is gotten from giving, not receiving back. There is the need in many people to sacrifice, even if it's for people who can never return it. That, too, can be in a person's blood.

So, at the start of this brand new year, my wish for you all comes in the form of words from wiser minds than mine: Know Thyself. To thine ownself be true. That Polonius guy, not Mel Gibson. :)

Be honest with yourself. Know your own mind. Learn and explore. Discover what's important to you, and what you need from others. Figure out what you want, what you need to do to get it - and at what point it stops being worth it.