Dreaming of Jon

I dreamed about Jon again last night. He always bothers me at this time of year - basically from now until Christmas - because it was in October that we went to that first party, the one where he stroked my foot. I wouldn't exactly say that's when it all began, because I'd noticed him at school and in the local nightclub before then, but that party was the first time that I realised he'd noticed me, and the event that I think of as the beginning of my real infatuation with him.

In my dream, we were married, and we had twins. Michael and Mariah. And this is haunting me, because it's so unlike my normal dreams, both sleep-dreams and daydreams. In my sleep-dreams, I either have nightmares or they're filled with erotic pictures, and in my waking hours I mostly daydream about guys who are close friends, if I'm doing the comforting-happy-future thing. Sure, I daydream about Jon now and then, but they're not married-settled dreams, they're nostalgic memories mixed with a little bit of porn.

Dreaming about being married to Jon is totally illogical, because a) I don't want to get married to anyone at the moment; b) I don't think I want kids at all; c) I haven't seen Jon in years and d) I don't think I'd ever marry someone like him, I'd marry one of my close friends who knows me inside and out.

*sigh*

In a day or two, the dream thoughts will go away, and I'll be back to being the old Sati, who's generally comfortable in her own skin and doesn't yearn too much for future things - or at least doesn't consciously think about them too much. Practical, logical Sati who doesn't really want kids, because she doesn't want to pass on the genetic legacy that's travelled through her family line since the beginning of time, and who'll likely adopt teenagers if she's going to do the mother thing at all. But right now, I want those blue-eyed, golden-haired toddlers who giggle when you grab them and scoop them up, and who smell like fabric softener and baby shampoo, and who make me think of beach sand and sunny days and melted butter, just the way Jon always has.

Evidently I need sleep. I've been sitting up for most of the night, watching TV in my old black and gold clubbing dress and the gold necklace with the garnets that came from a secret admirer years ago, and that I have no reason to think was from him, but for some reason I always felt like it was. <--- Sorry for the garbledness of that last sentence - and indeed much of this post - it is 9.55 am after all, and I only slept a couple of hours tonight, which was when I had the dreams.

I was thinking about him so much I even posted the story I wrote about him to Literotica, although I haven't yet got to the sex bit, and had to post it as Chapter 1.

Right, well, I'm going to sleep. Hopefully I won't dream this time, or if I do, it'll be about something that's a bit easier to cope with. I could try putting a moonstone under my pillow, for good dreams, or a tiger's eye to keep away bad ones, but somehow I don't think that the universe counts marriage dreams as bad ones, somehow.

Which means I guess I have a slightly skewed perspective on things, but oh well.

I bought a pumpkin the day before yesterday, and it's sitting in the hall. I also ate a whole packet of Maryland cookies in the last three days. And that's basically all my news right now.