Christmas Wishes (And Thoughts, And Whines, And...)

I'm supposed to be preparing to go to the Official N-Dubz Concert Afterparty (no, I don't know why they capitalised it, they just did) right now, but my date cancelled on me yesterday, and I just don't care enough to get dressed up and go alone. Although they are supposed to have snow machines, which would be fun. And there might be some nice guys there.

But...ehh. I'm not depressed, I'm just exhausted. There's no real reason for me to be this tired; I haven't gone anywhere in the last couple of days, but I never really recovered from the cold that I got back in September - the one that had me stuck in bed for ten days - and then the little one I had last week didn't help. The condition I have means that my immune system attacks my nervous system, and any time I get an infection of any sort, my normal pains and fatigue are worse for a period afterwards, while my immune system tries to get back to normal.

(For some reason, it always reminds me of a dog that's become riled up at the sight of a cat. The cat appears, the dog starts barking and growling and showing its teeth. The cat disappears in a matter of seconds, but the dog keeps up its racket for quite a while before it calms down. Anyway, my immune system is still baring its teeth at me, so I'm very tired and sore.)

After cooking late Thanksgiving dinner, only my brother and his wife showed up. It was a nice evening, and they took all the food home with them, but my stomach hasn't been quite right since then. I'm pretty sure it was the oil in the cornbread, but I shudder to think how slow my digestion's become if I'm still having stomach problems nine days later. I just hope nobody else got sick. (Not that I really got sick - just pain, but pain's enough.)

So anyway, I've been trying to get all my Christmas stuff done, while coping with all-over pains and tiredness and a sore tummy, as well as looking after Mom and making sure she doesn't climb up on counters and chairs, or lift anything too heavy. Mom had her friend here at the weekend, and I spent most of Saturday cooking for guests on Sunday, only to find that they couldn't come, since Joey had hurt himself and couldn't drive. So Mom and Brian took all the food to them instead - including all my banana bread and applesauce-spice cake - leaving me here to work and sleep. (I can't handle the drive to Leighton Buzzard, it hurts too much to sit in a car for that long unless I make several rest stops.)

We decorated the tree, and it looks pretty good, although I can't find the garlands that go on it. I was supposed to go into town on Saturday to buy mistletoe and a wreath for the door - for some reason Mom decided that the normal fake one should go on the side gate this year, and we should buy a live one for the front - but I had too much to cook, and then Sunday and today I wasn't feeling well enough. And I can't get in tomorrow, I have my last Japanese class before Christmas. I HAVE to go on Wednesday, though, or the guy will be sold out, and I also have to get a new key cut for Ry, and one for Chris. And I still have a ton of Christmas shopping to do. I only have about half my gifts, which is irritating, because I'm usually finished by now.

And I have to go to the post office, because somehow I forgot to buy stamps and mail any cards that have to go abroad. I don't think they're going to get there by Christmas. *sigh*

I don't know what possessed me to think I could do all that needs doing in the next ten days. I wrote twenty-three Christmas cards yesterday - for the people in my class - and about thirty today, for friends and family, and I feel like my hands are going to fall off. Everything I've baked has been eaten already. I don't know when I'm going to get to London to see my Dad - which reminds me, I need to buy them a wedding present, as well as Christmas presents.

I have to go to Hawkins' Bazaar in Hemel, because the catalogue didn't have the naughty origami and balloon animal kits that I wanted for my nephews, and I have to go to Sports Direct in London Colney to find a sweatshirt or jacket for Ry, because the sports stores in town don't have any sales on and there's no way I'm spending £64.99 on a hoodie when I can probably pick up the same one, or at least similar, in Sports Direct for £25. And I really wanted to go to the West End, specifically to the Trocadero, because they always have neat stalls to pick up last-mintute things for Mom, and I wanted to see Oli too.

All of this would be easy if I had a car at my disposal, but the car still hasn't been fixed, and I still haven't managed to get my license either. My plan for this year was to get driving again, but then Mom got sick, and I got sick, and I didn't have the money...

*sigh*

I'm not actually unhappy. Except about the car, but that's nothing new. Despite the complaints, I'm enjoying the Christmas season. I'm just kind of frazzled. I wish I had someone close who'd be there to help out with all this stuff. October through Christmas is really the only time of year when I clearly feel alone, but for those three months I really, really miss having a boyfriend. (Although not just any boyfriend; I've found out from experience that the wrong boyfriend makes me feel more lonely than none at all.) But if I had Curt, or Adam, or Apollo, to come home to me at the end of the day and help me wrap presents and sing carols, everything would be so much more pleasant.

I mentioned those three in particular because two of them actually have reappeared in my life recently. Not Apollo - he's always in and out of my thoughts, and I rarely actually see him. But Curt and I have been texting a little, and he said he'd come and visit before Christmas. Which is really nice, because I miss him a lot. He was my best friend all through college, and for the years after, and it was only two summers ago - after seven years of being best friends - that we stopped seeing each other so much. (Long story.) He needed time to heal from all the problems that we had, so I gave him time. But now we're talking again, and it feels good, although there's that little part of me that wonders if I really truly want to get involved with him again, when it took my heart so long to recover last time.

Adam was even more of a surprise. I wrote to him, just on impulse, and he wrote back. We hadn't talked in about four years, so it was a shock - I expected either no reply, or a response that said something along the lines of "Go to hell, I don't want anything to do with you." But he was sweet, and couldn't even remember why he stopped talking to me, and I forgot how much I'd missed him too.

With these wonderful people - and Oli, of course - coming back into my life, albeit just a little bit, I shouldn't feel lonely. But somehow talking to them has just reminded me how empty my life's been for the last few years. Things have been difficult for several years now, and I needed a pared-down life that didn't tax my emotions too much, but perhaps it's time to start letting things get personal again.

If Curt comes to visit me, and I find that he's single (for once in his life, LOL ) I'm going to go for it. I never made a move on him before, because I didn't want to ruin our friendship, and when I finally found out that he was interested in me it was already too late. But this time, I don't have anything to lose, except my pride, and that's not really worth much. I'm not a child anymore. We met when he was 16 and I was 17, when we were both kids who were scared of our bodies and our emotions and the way we affected each other. He grew up, and I stayed scared. But I'm not scared now. Or rather, I am, but I can push through it. Working where I do has taught me that I can't just let things slide and lose out by default, instead I have to push the situation until I either get what I want or find out that it's not possible. No more letting people I love slip away.

I think that may be a New Years resolution, a couple weeks too early.

Anyway, enjoy your Christmas - I know I am - and I hope you spend a wonderful festive season with the people you love!