Sati Loses Her Temper

[This is one of the few posts that I decided to leave off in its entirety, not because it could violate privacy, but because I really felt rotten for writing it. In general, I am not comfortable with deleting or editing past posts that I feel rotten about; perhaps it's a result of suffering from the life reboot that comes with amnesia, or perhaps it's just that creepy Orwellian feeling that I suffer from sometimes, but I have never been comfortable with rewriting history to make myself look cleaner and better than I was. When you say or do a thing, it's said or done, and whether you regret it or not, you made the choice to say / do it, and you need to own that decision.

So choosing to omit a post of mine, even one that is painful to read, is an unusual choice for me. All I can say is that there are some things that I find it appropriate to say to strangers but not to friends, and this post - along with a few other posts that I don't feel comfortable bringing up - was written on a site where there is at least a veneer of anonymity, a site where nobody knows any of my friends and family and most likely nobody will ever meet them.

Sometimes a person needs to rant, I think, and when you care a lot about the people who are driving you round the bend, it can be a lot easier to rant to people who will never have the chance to condemn them (at least not in person) based on the things you say. Rants are, by nature, one-sided and unfair. For the most part, everything in me struggles against injustice, or perceived injustice, and I don't find it easy to say negative things about the people I love, especially when they are not there to defend themselves. I have never got the hang of that teenage girl habit of bitching about friends to other friends, because even when I am at my angriest - and that can be very angry indeed - my moral compass indicates to me that trying to influence a mutual friend against someone is horribly, digustingly wrong. Hence my occasional habit of taking grievances to outside sources who will hopefully give me a (more) objective perspective on the situation - and failing that, at least will never cause me to feel like I've turned people against each other. This is why I blog. This is why, for the last four or five years, I've blogged anonymously. And this is why, now that my blog - or a near-enough carbon copy of it - is open to friends and family members, I have made and will make the occasional choice to omit a post that I know would cause hurt feelings over a thing that was over and done with a long time ago.]