A Very Merry Unbirthday To Me, To You

So, you want the rundown of my day?

Well, of course you do, that's why you're here. Unless it's with the hope of seeing goofy pictures or random thoughts. I'm all out of those for today.

All benevolent powers be blessed, I slept well last night. "Well" being a relative term, of course, but I was asleep by 4am, which is fairly good for me. No checking FB or here all night. No compulsive blog writing. Let's just hope tonight goes as well.

So, I was up in the late morning. Beautiful morning, sunshine everywhere, birds quacking (gimme a break, this isn't Disney), everything really feeling like spring. Mom was restrained and only whispered happy birthday when I came downstairs, instead of making a big production like I expected. Papa and Stepmama texted me, but that's to be expected since I didn't tell them about the May thing. Christie sent me a big excited "Whoop whoop, hope u get loads of prezzies!!!" text and I didn't tell her to fuck off.

My dress arrived. It's beautiful. The only thing redder than this dress is my bank balance. So I tried it on, and it's too freakin' short! This is what comes of buying clothes made for normal girls when you're built like an Amazon.

(LOL, I just wrote "made FROM normal girls" - WTF?)

Possibly I can wear it with tights, or what do Americans call 'em, panty hose? I hate the things, but it's a possibility. Or stockings. If I have to wear anything on my legs, it's stockings and garters / suspenders - hold-ups don't hold up on my chubby thighs, and hose seems so unhygenic - but the tops might show. Hmm, something to think about. I moaned about it this morning, and Bubbles and LadyU both volunteered to go shopping with me - yet another thing to add to the ever-growing list of reasons to visit the US. *grins*

I may still wear it tomorrow, though, assuming I actually get out tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then when I shed a few pounds, because I think the hem will drop a little. It's annoying, though - in the picture I showed you, the width : length ratio makes it look like it's knee-length, so I can only assume that the dress they photographed was like a size 4 (US 0).

However, the fact that I can now get into Jane Norman clothes is something to celebrate.

So I decided I'd better buy some groceries and birthday presents for Mom, whose birthday is on Sunday. So I washed, and got ready to head into town. Unfortunately I was daydreaming in the bath, and daydreaming = losing time, so I didn't get moving until the 3.36 bus (which was late anyway). Got to town, with NO idea of what to get Mom, a little bit panicked since I usually buy early, in the January sales, and I think it must have been ten years since I left it this late. Went to the Dorothy Perkins section of BHS, only to find that their prices have risen to ridiculous levels. Earmarked a couple of T-shirts as possibilities, but I don't really want to buy her clothes - I bought her like half a dozen items of clothing for Christmas. Went into Robert Dyas to check out kitchen stuff, and found to my disgust that Marmite are now making dishes and eggcups and shit. Wondered when Kidfos' birthday is, since he loves that devil's food. Didn't find anything that Mom might need except a wok - the one Tony gave her for Christmas has something wrong with it, some step that was left out of the sealing process, and every time I cook with it I get big black lumps everywhere.

Went to HMV (record store). Happy Guy aka Colin (he only told me his name last time I saw him; I'd been thinking of him as Happy Guy for months at that point, and still do) wasn't there, but I checked out books and CDs. Nothing in the book section that she would want that she doesn't already have, except maybe Tsotsi. DVDs are a possibility, but I know perfectly well that when I leave home the DVDs are coming with me, so it seems a bit tacky to give them to her as presents. CDs she always appears to be happy to get, but then listens to a handful of times in a year - my mom is not a music person. Or maybe she just can't work out how to use the CD player. I browsed anyway, looking to see if there's something I want. The only thing I can think of offhand is Elton John's "Rocket Man - Greatest Hits", and they don't have it, I checked last week. Cranberries, Coldplay, Leonard Cohen...AHA! I nearly bought her a biography of him from W H Smith at Christmas, that I'd forgotten all about until just now.

Headed to Smiths (newsagent / books / stationery). Searched through all their books. No Leonard Cohen. Drat. Went to Waterstones (big bookstore, hundreds of thousands of titles available either on the shelves or to order). Walked in the door, inhaled deeply - I love the smell of bookstores, they're one of my happy places. Realised I couldn't remember what I was in there for. Went back to Smiths, knowing I'd only remember if I stood in the same place. Stood in front of the shelves in Smiths. Leonard Cohen. Kept repeating, "Leonard Cohen Leonard Cohen" as I backtracked (or re-backtracked?) to Waterstones. Checked out the biography section. No Cohen. Checked out music. No Cohen. Discovered that they have an entire section, where the erotica used to be, titled "Painful Lives". Yeesh. Aside from the fact that it's replaced the erotica, this is just fine by me, keeps all that stuff off the rest of the shelves. I noticed in Smiths that every fourth title was something along the lines of, "Stolen Childhood" or "Why, Daddy, Why?" or "Please Help Me, Mommy."

(Aside: I get that abuse happens in A LOT of homes. I get that writing about it is therapy for people. In person, or in blogs, I see a lot of survivors of various types of abuse, and have the greatest respect for you all. I do NOT want to be bombarded with it every time I pick up a book. Books, for me, are for relaxation.)

In the music section there's an Eric Clapton book that she might like, but reading the back I find that it's really the story of his rock-and-roll days i.e. lots of sex and drugs and alcohol. Not my mom's thing (well, apart from the sex). Now, if they had a story about Clapton's pain, about the loss of his son, she'd eat that up. My mom and my brother love all those painful-life books. Mom and Tony are the opposite of me in this way - they have a great deal of compassion for Humanity in general, in theory, but tend to be impatient with people one-on-one, whereas I am a whole lot kinder and less judgemental when dealing with individuals than I am when it comes to the general population.

I ask at the desk, and they say they can order it, but do I know the exact title? Uh, no. And it'll take four weeks. No thank you.

No other bookstores in town except the second-hand ones. We used to have five or six, but since Waterstones (which started off Hammicks, then Ottakars, as the companies kept amalgamating) came in, they took all the custom and Alban Books and Paton Books and Methuens and whatever the fifth one was, have all closed. I go to the card shop to buy a card and some wrapping paper, and when I leave the clerk smiles and says, "See you next week." Ha bloody ha. She's not even joking, either - I probably don't buy fifty-two birthday cards a year, but I'd guess that I buy more than twenty-six, meaning I'm in there on average more than once a fortnight.

I check out a couple other shops, but by now nothing else will do aside from the Leonard Cohen book. I buy a heart-shaped mixing bowl for her in Paperchase. It's kind of a joke - Mom started buying me heart-shaped kitchen equipment years and years ago, which I thought was really weird, and then I kind of got into it. And now we have an apron with hearts on it, heart-shaped measuring cups, measuring spoons, chopping boards, cake tins, muffin pans, a whole cookie cutter set with different hearts (normal, linked, with an arrow through) as well as a cherub and an L, an O, a V and an E. A toast stamp that says I <3 you. (You press it onto the bread before you put it in the toaster, and then the pressed-in bit comes out lighter.) Somewhere there's a heart-shaped silicon egg ring for frying eggs, even though we eat fried eggs like once every two years. Tony and Debbie got in on it last year, and bought me four little individual Le Creuset heart-shaped ramekins for creme brulee or mousse. Mom has a heart-shaped cereal bowl and breakfast mug. It's totally tacky and totally glorious. Now she'll have a mixing bowl too, although it won't be easy to stir things in.

Went to Jane Norman to see if they still have the pale aqua handbag that I had my eye on. No handbag, but Lori's there, and I chat to her for a few minutes. She seems in a better mood than she was when she was living with me, thank God. Nothing for Mom there either.

Went to Wilkinson (mostly toiletries, hardware, a little bit of furniture). Bought a body brush for Mom so I can throw away the old one. I should have bought one from the Body Shop, where I get mine, but they're five times the price and I just know that she's going to drop it behind the bath or leave it in a puddle till it gets moldy. I come by my absentmindedness honestly.

Guys keep staring at me while I'm out. I check to see if there's anything on my face. Nothing. Are my boobs showing? Negative. They're not lustful stares as much as surprised double-takes. I remember a post I read this morning that says A F F has started advertising us as escorts again. I looked for my name, and didn't find it on an escort site. I DID find it under Orgy Cam Girls. I wonder if this is why the guys are looking at me, and nearly get mad, but instead I burst out laughing. I know a lot of people weren't amused by the last debacle with the other domains, but to me it IS funny, at least a little bit. I suppose I can afford to be amused, since I don't have anyone in my life who wants to make trouble for me (except a couple people who are currently serving time). But after all, if I feel ashamed of it I shouldn't be putting on cam orgies, should I?



Bought groceries. Went home. Blisters on my feet from wearing heels that I haven't worn all winter. Took another bath and sang along with Neil Diamond, just because I felt like it. Ate roast chicken and sausagemeat stuffing (ummmm, stuffing) and the Victoria Sponge with chocolate icing that Mom made today. Snarl at Christie about birthdays, which I feel a little bad about, but I think she finally gets it, and I did apologise for snapping (while making it perfectly clear that I stood by what I said). Ordered meds from the doctor's. Checked out Amazon. WTF? There's about twenty Leonard Cohen books, all with mixed reviews - even the ones that average four or five stars still have a handful of one and two-star reviews to them. Picked out the biography with the highest overall rating, and the CD of Jonathan Livingston Seagull music, which Mom's mentioned many times over the course of my life, and I've never remembered to buy for her. There's a Cohen poetry book with excellent rating, but that'll have to wait till another time. Paid the extra P & P so they'll deliver it tomorrow or Saturday, since there's no mail on Sunday.

Answered FB wall posts from various A F F members and my older sisters. My younger sisters forgot - no surprise there. Got reminded that even if I intend to leave my birthday cards till May, I need to open the one from Papa and Stepmama since there's likely to be a check. There is, and it's a third of the value of a cheap return ticket to the US. My fund is off to a good start. It's a shame I can't pimp myself out to 20 of you for $25 each.

This trip is looking more and more likely to happen, which fills me with joy. Every year Mom says, "This year we'll get back to America," (she's from Minnesota, btw) and every year something gets in the way - health or money, usually. She's estranged from her family - I'm the one who had to make contact with them a couple years ago, even though I've never met any of them - so we've never had a concrete reason to visit, i.e. a person rather than just wanting to see things. Stupidly, if she bothered to nurture a relationship with her family - it's only her mother she really hated, and she died a while back - we could probably move to the US and get jobs with the family foundation. My mom's paternal grandfather was a leader in the industrial world (and a good friend of President Eisenhower, LOL; one of my most treasured possessions growing up was Ike's sterling silver golf tee which I wore upside-down on a chain around my neck) who invented some sort of generator thing. I don't know much about the company, except that they sold out to Studebaker-Packard (in the fifties, I think) and made a vast amount of money, with which they started a charitable foundation. And who better to give charity to than the poor relatives, right?



Kidding. Sort of. I don't want charity, but I DO want family, and wouldn't mind a job. But Mom freezes at the thought of family the same way as I freeze at the thought of using the phone (more about this in the next note, I hope) and has been blocking me at every turn. Cousin Dave, who is now the head of the family, wants to hear from his little cousin, not from his cousin's oddball daughter who has pictures of her undies up on her FB page (which he politely ignores, and instead comments on the pictures of the garden). And there are only so many times I can make excuses for why she didn't send a Christmas card, and I signed mine from the both of us.

So yeah. I could probably form a relationship with my American relatives, and find a way to support myself in the US. A visit would have to come first, though. But I'm making plans - nothing concrete yet, but hopeful ones - to come at the end of summer, spend some time with my relatives, and then ramble around a bit. If not that, then just a week or two visiting friends. We'll see. Either way, I want to see you. Yes, YOU.

OK, I've talked quite long enough. It was an eventful day. Certainly not the worst unbirthday I've spent - not even on the top five, in fact - even if I didn't get any Pokemon in.

I do wish I had someone special to spend it with, but there's always next year.

And remember - May 3rd you all get to say Happy Birthday (again) and send virtual sparklers and balloons and cookies.