Anyone who's been reading me more than a couple months - which I think is most of you; I haven't gained many new watchers lately - know that The Kid took over my blog awhile back, when I got cut off the internet. Much mayhem occurred, resulting in me nearly getting kicked off the site, Kid getting warned to stop fucking with guys on IM, and a couple of people stopping watching my blog.
In hindsight, when he told me he signed me up for a bunch of groups, I should have considered the possibility that he was telling the truth. However, we all know I'm a bit naive (<-- did I spell that right? For some reason my spelling's been off for a couple of days; I'm forgetting words that I've known perfectly well for most of my life) and I thought he was just joking. I never go on the groups page, and I only check out my main profile page when I've changed something. So it wasn't until last night that I actually saw them on my profile.
Apparently for the last month or two, Sati has been a member of "Girls Watching Guys On Cam" and "WhiteWomenWhoCraveBlackMen".
Of course, I immediately picked up my phone and yelled at him. "KIDFOS, YOU S.O.B., get your ass on here and explain!" Well, no, I didn't say that, quite. It was four in the morning, and I have enough problems with sleeping that I try not to disturb others when they're getting their shut-eye. But I did text him, and then spent the next half hour holding my head in my hands and calling him a fucktard.
Now I'm trying to figure out why I'm embarrassed by this, when there should be nothing embarrassing about it. I don't actually cam with guys, but if I did, so what? As for the other - yeah, I like Black guys. I like white guys too, and Asian guys, and Hispanics and Native Americans - not that we get a whole lot of those last two around here. None of my dating habits have ever been a secret, not since I started dating properly when I was 17. That's part of living in London. With the exception of a handful of religious and cultural groups, in London nobody bats an eyelid when it comes to dating different races. When I'm dating Americans, or people from outside the South East of England, the subject of race comes up quite a bit, particularly when they're a different race to me. I'll meet a (non-white) guy who's not a Londoner, and if we're interested in each other, I can guarantee that during that first conversation he'll ask me if I've ever been with a Black (or Asian, or Middle Eastern etc) guy. And we'll talk about things, and ascertain that neither of us has a problem with it. By contrast, London guys never ask me this, because it simply does not occur to them that it COULD be a problem.
But I digress. I was talking about the embarrassment. Obviously it's not because I care about people finding out who I'm attracted to. Lord knows I talk enough about droolworthy men in various blogs of mine. I think the embarrassment that I felt - and still feel - is connected to the word CRAVE. I associate cravings with wickedness and sin. I crave Krispy Kremes. I crave a lazy afternoon on my bed with Beverly Barton romance books or Frank Downey erotica. I crave encounters in dark alleys with men who'll push me up against the wall and have their wicked way with me. All of those things, and anything else that I would use the word CRAVE for, are things that hold some element of naughtiness. I would never say that I craved cranberry juice, or the ocean, or sunshine, because none of those things have that darkness, that wickedness, that I always associate with the word.
Word choices can be funny things. I've always had a good head for words. Until my head injury, my mom used to laugh at me and call me her walking talking thesaurus, because I had such an extensive vocabularly - but it was more than that. I had an innate sense of how a word should be used. I guess this was partly some inherent quality, but also something that grew - unintentionally - as I grew, and read so many books. Mom found it amusing and charming, but PaPa really thought it was a gift, and tried hard to nurture it. I remember countless times in my childhood and teens, and even early twenties, when we'd play word games.
LIKE:
"Don't say weird, darling. You use weird too much. What are some other words for it?"
"Um, odd?"
"Good, what else?"
"Unusual. Unorthodox."
"And?"
"Strange, bizarre, kooky, outre, atypical."
"Carry on."
"Abnormal, aberrant. Uncommon. Unique. Wacky, crazy, eccentric. Quirky, offbeat, off-the-wall. Nonconformist. Idiosyncratic. Phantasmagorical."
...
And so it went.
Since the head injury I've been less skilled with words. I have many days now when I can't even put a coherent sentence together, let alone write something worth reading.
I'm digressing again. It happens, especially lately.
But word choices...those have always fascinated me. I love to write, even now when I'm not so good at it. I love just letting my thoughts flow from my brain to my hands, and knowing that the right words will come at the right time, knowing that I'll be able (I hope) to find the ones that will create maximum impact. And although it can be uncomfortable, I also love watching the discord that sometimes happens when the wrong choice is made, particularly when the word chosen is one that SHOULD be synonymous.
For example, I've always been particularly intrigued by the word erotic. Erotic, taken from Eros. Used to describe the tantalising aspects of sex. (That's my definition, btw - I'm sure any dictionary you find will have a better one.) Eros was an ancient god of love, as Venus was a goddess of love, so by all rights you should be able to substitute venereal for erotic in any given sentence - but you can't. It doesn't work. Something - perhaps the modern-day usage of venereal to describe sexually transmitted diseases, or perhaps some inherent dissonance in the word itself - prevents it from sounding right.
Likewise, the word CRAVE in the context that it's used here leaves me feeling strange. You could substitute LIKE, or LOVE, or even WANT, and I would not feel the embarrassment that I do. Belonging to a group called Women Who Love Black Men? Big whoop, so what? That doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Now the cam group...that's another matter entirely.
How about you guys? Got any examples of words that should fit a situation, but sound completely wrong? Or even any cravings you'd like to tell me about? *grins*
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