Gifts

I got a card today that made me cry.

For the record, I never cry. Or hardly ever. It's not a question of being tough, I'm just not a very emotional person, unless I'm severely pushed. The only things I can think of that do it are Dean Koontz books, some Adam Barsby paintings, the Intermezzo from Pietro Mascagni's "Cavalleria Rusticana", and the ending of Terminator 2. And very occasionally if I get furiously angry about something. If I cry and I'm not either reading or concentrating on some form of art, it's probably best to duck and cover before I start throwing things. Although most of my projectiles will be verbal ones.

Today, though...well, maybe I can just blame it on PMS, or maybe I should just say that I am unashamedly emotional today. And kind of touched, actually. (Not "touched in the head", thank you.) The card arrived sometime this morning, not in the mail, so I can safely assume it's someone in this country who sent it to me. No name. No address. No signature of any sort. Just a flower on the front, and this message inside.

"She's everyone's knight. Not the proverbial knight in shining armour - her armour is tarnished, her sword bloody. But it doesn't matter, because She shines enough for everyone."

That's it. No explanation whatsoever. But that alone was enough to make me - well, not bawl like a baby. But sniffle a bit.

I mean, sure, I have this stupid catcher-in-the-rye complex. But it didn't occur to me that people actually notice.

I'm not entirely sure who the sender is, but I could guess. I've had this secret admirer for a couple of years now. Actually, more than a couple - four or five, I'd guess. He sends me things through the mail - cards, presents, occasional flowers. When he first started sending me stuff it came fairly regularly, and in the last couple of years it's tapered off. But he never forgets my birthday, and a couple of times in the year I'll get a card or a little gift - or sometimes a not-so-little gift - in the mail. Usually with a covering note, but no name on any of them. The things he's sent me have ranged from teeny things, like a quarter to wish on, or a heart paperweight that you can get in any Hallmark shop, to an 1890s Italian silver filigree necklace. And several things inbetween: satin pajamas for my birthday a couple years ago, CDs that he said made him think of me, about a dozen silver charms for my charm bracelet.

A couple of times he's even done technically unromantic but extremely caring things, like leaving me money for my medical bills.

And yet he never shows himself. Never sends me a note saying, you know, I think we should really meet up in person sometime. He just seems to be content to watch over me from the shadows. It's weird, and it would be spooky if I got any sense of possessiveness or obsession from him.

At least I'm assuming it's a him.

What I don't get is that this guy seems to know me inside out. He knows my birthday. He knows that I celebrate 4th of July and Thanksgiving. He knows my taste in nightwear, and the size that I wear, and the styles that suit me. He knows that charms on a charm bracelet are supposed to reflect passions or parts of the wearer's life, rather than just being random, and some of the charms he's sent reflect parts of me that not all that many people know about: boxing gloves since boxing is a passion of mine, a headband feather for my Native American heritage, ballet shoes because I used to be a dancer. Hardly anyone knows that I used to dance.

If it weren't for the fact that I would notice the money disappearing from my bank, and I don't have this kind of money to spend in the first place, I'd think that I was going nuts and sending myself gifts while sleepwalking or something.

But I don't get why a guy who knows me this well would hide, unless he's married, or disfigured, or more likely is someone I know in real life, but doesn't want me to know who he is.

For a while I harboured hopes that he'd come forward, but I don't even think about it much anymore. Most of the time I'm just grateful that there's someone out there who cares this much about me. Even if he can't come forward.

So thank you, whoever you are, and I sincerely hope that whatever demons are forcing you to stay hidden don't haunt you too much. *blows you a kiss*