Tuesday 3 June 2008

Rage, Which Isn't Pure At All

I don't often get angry. But when I do, I scare people.

I'm angry now. Out of my mind with fury. And even though I don't really have the right to be angry, even though it's none of my business, even though we agreed - at my instigation, even - that there was no future, that we didn't owe each other anything...it doesn't make me any less mad.

How could any person be so fucking stupid? I wouldn't expect this kind of stupidity from anyone, let alone someone as level-headed as Him. Does he not KNOW? Does he think it will be fun, like a game? That he can run along with his little boy-toys and then when he gets bored he can call a time-out?

And now, if this goes the way he wants it to, I can't see him anymore. Because every time I see him, I'll see all the people he carries with him, all the ones he's hurt to date, and all the ones to come. And I'm not willing to put myself through that. Selfish? Sure. Have to be.

You hear talk about how rage is pure and clear, but it's not. It's murky and dark and poisonous and horrible, and it makes me feel nauseous and giddy, like some toxin has taken hold of me.

Stupid, fucking men. Or man, singular. Why the hell couldn't he have just left things the way they were?

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