Growing Up

I am somewhat happier today, although still thoughtful.

Oli came to visit on Tuesday, and most of it was great, although I found out that he's actually lying to his parents when he comes to visit me, so they don't give him grief. He swears that their disapproval wouldn't be anything to do with me being white, that they'd disapprove of him having a girlfriend (especially one who he sleeps with) whoever she was. I'm not sure if I'm convinced, but I suppose it's pretty moot anyway. I don't much like the lying, but since I don't have a better alternative, I guess we'll stick with it. The only ones I can think of are either to not see each other (or at least not sleep together) anymore, or to come clean with his folks and run the risk of having them forbid him from seeing me, in which case either he'd obey them and we'd split up, or he'd disobey and it would drive a rift between them. I wouldn't like to take bets on which it would be, either. Oli loves his parents, and is generally obedient, but he's also older than Richard was, and knows his own mind, and might well come down on my side.

But as I said, it's irrelevant, because neither of those two scenarios is something I'm willing to risk happening, so for now we stick with the "I'm in _____, Ma, just seeing friends" instead of telling the truth.

Some of the time this pisses me off, but mostly I'm OK with it.

The Richard-stuff screwed me up, admittedly. But it's also that fibromyalgia basically decimated my teenage years. So in some ways, I'm a teenager now. Still living with mom, still working teenage-type jobs, still perpetually broke (heh). And I sometimes get so caught up in my teen angst that I forget that I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm a fully grown woman, and I'm perfectly capable of making my own way in the world. Parents should not faze me one bit. And Oli's an adult now too, albeit one who's moved home for a while now that uni is over.

And I'd do well to remember that.