Why I Am Not Asleep

I don't seem to be sleeping well recently. This isn't an entirely new thing, I've had sleep problems for years, but it's especially irritating now because for the last couple months I've actually been really good about sleeping decent hours. I had even been turning my light off at night, which is something I hadn't done in years. (Don't ask. Really.) And now it feels like I'm back to square one - exhausted all day, then wired all night. And forcing myself out of bed in the mornings doesn't even seem to help: I either pass into unconsciousness in the afternoon as soon as I sit down, or I stay awake all day, fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow that night, and then return to my screwed-up schedule the next day.

If I were still working from home all the time it would be fine, but I have more going-out jobs to do right now, both with the youth group and the modelling I'm picking up with Kell for extra money (not that it's making much difference to my bank account - I've basically accepted that I'm going to have to live off my overdraft until after the wedding is over, at which point I can slowly start building up my savings again), and I have the gym and various other daytime stuff that needs doing, and I really really need to get back onto a decent schedule again asap.

*sigh*

I've been fighting with a sleep disorder since a couple years after the fibromyalgia was diagnosed. Apparently quite a few FM sufferers have this particular disorder, although a lot of doctors deny it exists. Among those who do believe in it, it's generally known as the Alpha-EEG anomaly. To understand it, you need to understand a little of how the brain works. The brain produces different types of waves at different times, see? Beta waves usually occur when a person's busy or concentrating hard on something. Gamma waves can't be picked up by an standard scalp EEG, only by taking readings right off the surface of the brain, but they occur when the brain is readying itself for particular cognitive or motor actions. Theta waves are a sign of drowsiness (or occasionally sexual arousal), Delta waves are the type seen when a person's asleep. And Alpha waves are seen when a person's physically relaxed but alert, for example during meditation. Most extremely vivid dreams take place during Alpha-wave times*.

A person can sleep during Alpha-wave activity, but it's not relaxing sleep. Alpha waves are fast waves, they're very active waves. Delta waves are the slow waves, and it's during Delta-wave periods - i.e. most of the sleep time, in normal adults - that we get the sleep that refreshes us and recharges our batteries. In the case of the Alpha-EEG anomaly, the brain can't produce Delta waves for long, because every time it tries, it automatically starts to produce Alpha waves and wakes itself up. Your body doesn't always come fully awake, but your brain pulls itself out of that deep sleep stage that's needed in order for your body to heal itself and recharge itself with energy.

So I don't sleep well. It's been many years since I had any sleep whatsoever where I wasn't at least 80% aware of my surroundings. I've learned to turn off a reaction to stimuli that isn't in my direct surroundings i.e. in my bedroom, so the doorbell ringing or Mom doing the hoovering doesn't disturb me. But anything in my room, I'm completely aware of, even when I'm sleeping. Something as little as a spider moving over the wall above my head is enough to jolt me out of sleep. And the sleep I do get, isn't refreshing sleep. Some days I wake more tired than when I went to bed. I dream constantly, too. Not a night goes by when I don't dream, and they're unusually vivid, and often precog.

I go through periods where it's somewhat better, and then periods when it's a lot worse. At least I'm not being haunted at night at the moment, touch wood.

Usually things get quite a lot better in the summer, because I can take in the sun in the daytime and then nap in the evenings, which somehow makes for better sleep. But the last two summers have been so crummy, I haven't been able to do that. Damn global warming. And if one more person tells me global warming is something that's been made up to scare people, I'm going to thump them. Seriously. Global warming is no more made up than AIDS is. Sure, it's cyclical, but a cycle shouldn't ever be *this* short.

Anyway, there's my whine for the day. Oli's off playing Xbox somewhere (he's coming home next weekend! Yay!) and my at work friends are...well, at work, and not chatting. So since it's nearly 3.30 and all, I'm going to head out. I have my gym review tomorrow, so I have to get up for that. Ola, who'd dealt with me previously, has now left, so I get someone called Steve. The gym's going OK - I don't think I look any better yet (although it's hard to tell - PMS has me horribly bloated atm) but I certainly feel better when I'm doing my cardio; the crosstrainer isn't so horrible anymore, and I'm very happy on the treadmill. And I've used the sauna a lot - I used it three times today, between showers. Once I get past the initial panic, it's very relaxing.

My ankles are knackered, though. The right one in particular is horribly sore. I don't know if I should rest it or just push through the pain the way I do when I overstretch my muscles.

Anyway, I'll catch you guys later. Hope y'all are well.

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*Interestingly Alpha waves are also reputed to be present during psychic activity, but that's a whole other ball game that we're not getting into here.