Not Broken-Hearted, But Certainly Bruised And Battered

WARNING: This post contains sexual references.

So, The Man Who Is Not My Boyfriend (Oli) and I are no more. He's decided to stop talking to me so he can get back with his ex-girlfriend - yes, the one who, last time he and I were together, stalked me everywhere around the internet and got me fired from my last job, thus precipitating my dropping out of college (since I could no longer afford the tuition).

I could write pages and pages on how much I loved him, as a friend if not a great romance, and how much I'm going to miss my best friend. But that will come later, I'm sure. Right now I'm just a bit numb - an hour ago I was showing him my boobs on webcam, and talking about sucking him, and now I'm lying here wondering what the hell happened.

Although I shouldn't be wondering, since this has all happened before. Admittedly with more tears on my part. Men don't get to make me cry more than once.

Truly this has been the most appalling summer. The man I've loved since I was 17, the man I was supposed to marry, decided to marry someone else rather than let her go home when her visa expired. I've admitted that to only one person, and now you guys. My brother's been in and out of hospital with suspected Crohn's Disease, although now they're thinking it's just colitis, thank God. I've put on a horrible amount of weight in my stomach, and I suspect that the ovarian cysts have come back, which means I'm gonna have to go see the doctor about having yet another operation. Mom's still not back at work, and trying to support a household is getting harder and harder.

Of course, there have been some good things. I've spent more time with Christie and Becki than I usually do. I reconnected with Christopher Robin, and we're both hoping to start up with Japanese again next month. I bought a couple of awesome dresses. I met a couple of really nice people from here, and a couple of (I hope) nice guys from the gym.

It's hard to concentrate on the nice things at the moment, though. Right now I just feel very sad and very stupid, because I knew that he still loved her, despite her (IMO) capacity for cruelty, and I knew the instant he started getting interested in me on a daily basis that something was wrong in his life. He doesn't pursue me that relentlessly unless he's having woman problems.

You could call him a user, but it was a mutual thing. I went into it with my eyes wide open, and I'm fully responsible for my own actions, even if they were stupid.

Blue is a good colour for this post. I think I'm gonna go take a bath, listen to some Joni Mitchell and contemplate becoming a lesbian or a nun. (Not seriously, I'm not one of those people who turns against all men because one of them screws her heart around, but it's nice to pretend that I could consider it, if only for a few hours.)

Hugs and cookies would be appreciated.

What about you? Have you ever let a partner fool you more than once?