Ugh

Shit, Stephen Marshall made the front page of AOL today.

Not the greatest birthday present, but I suppose I'm glad that he finally confessed instead of wasting more of the court's time and money.

http://news.aol.co.uk/police-quiz-jigsaw-killer-further/article/20100202113538132340235

I am 26 years old today, and I feel every bit of it very heavily. In order to hopefully break the birthday curse, I haven't made any plans for the day, and I think I'm going to mooch around the house and play Pokemon. Which will make it a good day, IMO. I don't get enough lazy days.

Although I will likely have a few more soon, since this coming semester of college was cancelled, so now I need to find something else to do with my time. *sigh* I just hope that by the time I get back next fall, I haven't forgotten everything.

New Blog

Ah, now I see why my emails in the last week have dropped down to virtually zero. I had thought that I'd done something unforgivably rude, and word had spread around the AFF community that I was being shunned, but it turns out that standard members are no longer allowed to initiate emails, only reply to ones initiated by paying members. (And a loophole allows you to reply to emails that were sent before this new ruling took, but I expect they'll fix that soon.)

Really makes you feel like a peon, doesn't it? And sure, I know a lot of you gold members will say that if you can't afford the fee, you have no right to be on here complaining...but YOU try supporting your disabled self and your disabled mother on a social worker's salary. Some weeks I can barely afford to eat, let alone spend money on screwing around on sex sites. If I didn't find free vices, I wouldn't be allowed any at all.

I do wonder sometimes who's actually running this site. They change the rules so frequently, I have a sneaking suspicion that it's run by either a) a group of teenage boys who can't agree on how to run things, and so each one changes the rules when the others aren't looking, or b) a person with multiple personality disorder.

Blogs have suffered perhaps the most after email privileges - standard members can no longer post photos with their blogs, or have their posts listed in forums, or a bunch of other things that I haven't yet memorised. I also have a horrible feeling that the powers that be may decide to do away with standard members' blogs - or indeed, standard members (although hopefully not standard members' members; that might be a little harsh even for AFF.) Therefore I am inviting all of you to come and share my corner of the world, or at least my corner of the web, at stormyroses@hotmail.com , where you will find not only an email address to contact my fabulous self, but also a Space where you can read this blog, and any new posts, as soon as I have the time to upload everything.

So please, come and visit for awhile - at least after Feb. 1st, when I'll endeavour to have things up and (somewhat) running.

Ciao!

[Sadly, MSN Spaces went the way of many blogging sites and was shut down last year. I really liked the template on that, too. And it had a neat little gadget for making lists to share with others. I love lists.]

Whoohoo. And That's Not Entirely Sarcastic, Either.

I have a bed. An actual, sleepable-in bed. I have a bed at the cost of four hours of sweaty hard labor, three broken fingernails, two quite badly twisted wrists and a back that's so sore I can barely walk, but I do have a bed. And I have to say, it is a beautiful bed. It's ivory-coloured with brass knobs (finials, apparently) and the things where the crossbars meet the vertical bars, that I thought were just balls, actually turned out to be seashells so I feel a little bit like I'm Aphrodite. Without the spectacular beauty, but who needs that anyway? :P

I also have a wonderfully firm mattress, two soft, luxuriously fluffy anti-allergy pillows, and a duvet. Not an anti-allergy one, because the only anti-allergy duvets I could find at this time of year are 13.5 tog, whereas I have discovered that I'm most comfortable with a 4.5 tog, or very rarely a 9.0, if it's really cold outside.

All in all, I feel like a princess. Everything is comfortable and feels totally opulent. Of course, I am three feet higher than I was, and part of the time I feel like the ceiling is about to fall on me, but you can't have everything, right?

So yes, I'm happy. I am, however, running on four hours of sleep in the last thirty-six, so that tempers my jubiliation a little, as does the aforementioned trouble moving.

(You may have noticed that when I'm tired, my lexical choices tend to either get quite formal, or go completely to hell. Bleh.)

Anyway, I'm going to now go to sleep on my nice princess bed, and dream some nice dreams about semi-naked hunky superheroes, and save the world with Wentworth Miller. Always fun.

Sleep well!

Ten Ways To Get Yourself Happy

I lost a boyfriend to suicide at 15, was raped at 21 by a man who left me brain-damaged and with a permanently pinched sciatic nerve, and have lived more than half of my life with a very painful medical condition.

And yet, I consider myself a happy person, at least 70-80% of the time.

Part of the ability to cling to happiness and thrive in times of adversity is due to genetics, and another part is a response to your relationships during the first three years of your life, but mostly it's something that comes to you through hard work. There is no such thing as a person who cannot ever be happy. If you're capable of feeling anything at all, you're capable of feeling joy. If you're willing to put in the work, you'll eventually find that you reap the rewards.

Therefore, I offer you my list - Ten Ways to Help Yourself Get Happy.

1 ) Get out of bed. They say that the first casualty of depression is the will to fight it, and it's true that many unhappy people prefer to stay in bed, or at least on the couch, and not wash or dress or go out. It doesn't help. Get up, take a bath or shower with a soap or shower gel that smells good, and put on some fresh clothes. Do it even if you don't want to, or if it's hard, or if you think you don't have the energy. Staying in bed will do nothing for you except give you the time to think about your problems, and getting clean will at least make your body feel a little better, even if it doesn't help your emotions.

2 ) Stay away from alcohol. It might make you feel better in the short run, but it doesn't improve your life in any way. And even the short-term benefits aren't certain - many people feel as miserable when they're drinking as they do when they're sober, they're just not self-aware enough to realise it.

3 ) Exercise. Whether you just have the winter blues, or full-blown clinical depression, exercise is the single best thing that you can do to improve your mood. Exercise works in a number of ways: first and foremost, it releases endorphins, which are natural mood-boosters. Secondly, it gives your mind something to focus on aside from your troubles, and thirdly, it provides something that you can feel proud of accomplishing. It doesn't matter if you go to the gym, or take a half-hour walk daily, or run up and down the stairs a dozen times. As long as you get your muscles moving and your heart pumping, it'll help, although anything that involves you leaving the house is best.

4 ) Do something to make yourself laugh. It doesn't matter how silly it is. One of my favourite things to do when I'm feeling down is to do celebrity impressions in the mirror. My absolute favourite is Jack Nicholson as The Joker from Batman, complete with red lipstick and a pen for a cigar. Do stay away from anything that hints of meanness, though, because no matter how funny it seems at the time, the feeling of remorse you get afterwards will drag you down again.

5 ) Clean your room. It's perfectly natural for people to feel stifled and uneasy when they're surrounded by mess and dirt. Even those of us who feel cosy and insulated when they're in a messy environment find it hard to think clearly. Clear out the mess, clean up the dust, and you may find that your brain is more at ease and your thoughts are clearer and easier to work through.

6 ) Overhaul your diet. I'm not talking about eating less, I'm talking about eating healthily. When we're miserable it's natural for us to turn to comfort foods, which are usually high in refined sugar and fat, but the foods that make us feel good for a little while are the same foods that make our bodies feel sluggish and tired in the long run. Fresh fruits and vegetables are high in the vitamins and minerals that most of us desperately need, and green leafy vegetables and citrus fruits are best of all. Nuts and seeds are also beneficial, as they can provide the Omega-3 oils that help to boost brain function, and make you feel more energetic. If you're unsure, ask your GP to refer you to a dietician.

7 ) Take help wherever it's offered. I can't count the amount of people who come to me and say, "Nobody will help me," and then when someone offers a helping hand, turn it aside. Most people are naturally helpful and will want to help out a friend in need, whether it's with practical things (like someone to look after the dog or help you with grocery shopping until you get back on your feet) or by offering advice on a subject that they've gone through themselves, or just by being someone who'll listen. Don't turn them away. Take all the help you can get. And don't be afraid to go see your GP if you're feeling overwhelmed. In the UK, at least, more depression is treated every year than any other illness. One word of advice, though: if your doctor offers you antidepressants, ask for a referral to a counsellor as well. If the waiting list is long, ask around at your local Citizens Advice Bureau / church / hospital about support groups. I'm not knocking antidepressants, and I think in some cases they can be very helpful, but they can only treat the physiological causes of depression - they can't change your life for you.

8 ) Make a list of all the things you love. It doesn't matter what it is - anything that makes you smile, or makes you feel glad, put it on the list. TV shows, music, people, pets, a favourite colour, a great-tasting food, a good memory, a book that makes you laugh. Put it down on paper, and take your list out to read over when you feel down. My list will be coming soon, so watch out for it!

9 ) Read a good book. If you've never been a reader, start. If you don't have much time, read for fifteen minutes before bed. It almost doesn't matter what you read, as long as it interests you.

10 ) Understand that there's no such thing as a perfect, permanent happiness. We live in a transient world, and nothing in it is either perfect or permanent. Even the happiest, most well-adjusted of us have bad days, or even bad weeks or months. The difference between happy people and unhappy people is that happy people have learned to appreciate simple pleasures: the colour of the sky, or the feeling of sunlight on their face, or a beautiful piece of music. Life is not a static thing, it's a series of moments that run together. Concentrate on appreciating the good moments, and eventually you'll find that you're able to better cope with the bad ones.

______________________________________________

This list is not a substitute for professional advice. If you believe you may be clinically depressed, or have any urge whatsoever to harm yourself or someone else, see your doctor.

I Suck At Updates

I have another blog, elsewhere, and when I remember to update that one I forget to update this one, and vice versa.

No, you can't have the other blog address, it's private. Well, not *private*, but...I guess anonymous? No, that's not quite right either. Separate, that's the word. It's the only place where I don't have to be That Girl, and I'm not sharing it with any of my RL friends.

Sheesh, I'm not getting my words out very well. I'm very tired, and hormone overload isn't helping. Today I had to go into town, and my hands and feet were unbelievably swollen and painful by the time I got home. Normally I can walk for hours with very few problems, but not at this time of month. (Year?) James, your idea of raw superfoods and a basically vegan diet is sounding better and better to me. I've never been very good at giving everything up at once, though. I find that I start out with good intentions, and then I'm climbing the walls with frustration after a week. So I do a little bit at a time. Today is day 24 - I think - of the no-potato-crisp diet. For all of you who've been reading this, you'll know that potato chips are my main dietary indulgence, so I'm pretty proud of myself. And to be honest, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I do have days when I want something to nibble on that doesn't involve fruit or seeds, but I found that Taj cassava chips with chilli-lemon or chilli-jalapeno seasoning do the trick, and because cassava isn't as easily broken down as potato, I don't get the sugar rush that then leaves me feeling hellish afterwards.

I figure that after two or three months of no-chips, I'll cut out chocolate too. And then after a couple months of no-chips-or-chocolate, I'll try for bread. Maybe.

It's supposed to snow again tonight, and I STILL don't have anyone to go sledding with. If you want to go, drop me a line. It almost doesn't matter who you are - I want a snow buddy, dammit! :)

My new bed arrived yesterday, but I haven't set it up yet, because I can't sleep on it until I get a new, hypoallergenic, duvet. I'm not taking a chance on transferring allergens from my old bed to my new bed because I didn't wait to get new bedding. I got a mattress protector today, though, and some anti-allergen pillows last week, so I'm nearly set. And the room is nearly painted - I just have a small area of one wall to do the second coat on, and then the entire book alcove to paint. The book alcove is going to be a real pain in the ass, though - not only do I have to take 300-odd books off the shelves and find places for them, I have to take the shelves down, unscrew the brackets, paint behind them, and put them back up again. And to be honest, I don't even WANT them back up, not really, but until I find somewhere that'll loan me the money to buy bookshelves, I need the wall shelves that I have.

I suppose I could always NOT remove the brackets, but then when I DO buy the bookshelves, I'll be left with areas of the wall that aren't painted. And I just don't like doing a sloppy job on things - if I'm going to do it, I like to do it right.

These [picture was here but I shared it on a different post] are the bookcases I want, in case any of you are rolling in money. I did actually find one used one that's on sale for a very reasonable price, but I'd have to pick it up in Northampton. Anyone got a van and feel like driving me around? *grins*

And here is my bed [also shared on a different post], except mine is the ivory version. Oh, and I also got it a heck of a lot cheaper, in the sales. :)

As I mentioned, I went to town today, and bought a book on cat care. Two books, actually, although Mom's giving one of them to me for my birthday. Which reminds me, I need to buy some stuff for Mom's birthday too. Luckily I'm not quite as broke as I thought I was. I might even have the money for next semester's tuition. I hope I do, anyway, because I only have one class left of this semester.

Couldn't find the duvet, though, so I'll have to go Homebase tomorrow. Egh. I also need some melamine paint, so I can paint the old vanity and bedside table that I've had since I was seven, and maybe give them a new lease of life. Ideally, I'd get two new bedside tables, to match the bookcases, but that'll have to wait until I can see if the bank will extend my loan. I'll have paid it all off in August, so I suppose it wouldn't be too horrendous to have another couple of months on top of it, if it means I could get some nice furniture.

I also have my eye on a second-hand Canon PowerShot S31S, which CeX has in their cabinet for a very good price. (Or did last week, anyway.) Hmm...tuition or a camera? Both, if I can get the money. Which I should be able to, by taking on some extra work (I know, *more* extra work - and I'm already working 50-hour weeks most weeks) and not spending money on frivolous things.

Bear in mind I shall take it as a personal insult if you use the information I just gave you to go and buy that particular camera for yourself. :P

Always comes back to money. *sighs* I am trying to be good, though. Most of the things I've bought of late have been, well, perhaps not strictly necessary to my survival, but pretty high up on the "needs" list.

Mom and I went to see the specialist the other day, and he said that she may not need the spine operation. They're going to try nerve blockers first. And he also said that there's no chance of the spinal cord just randomly snapping, so at least I can put that fear out of my head. It's true that I've never HEARD of a spinal cord snapping suddenly, so I should have been able to dismiss it as complete balls, but somehow when a doctor says something to me I tend to take it seriously, even when it doesn't sound plausible. Hell, the last doctor said it to *Mom*, so it's possible that she misheard him or misunderstood him, and he didn't say it at all. In which case I've been worrying completely unnecessarily. Although it has stopped me from letting her lift stuff, which I suppose is a good thing. *shrugs*

The dating thing is not going spectacularly well; most of the guys who are asking me out are either over 40 (much too old, especially considering I still feel 16 half the time) or can't write a coherent sentence. I'm not a grammar nazi by any means, but you should at least be able to make yourself understood when you're writing to someone.

Mind you, this note is so garbled you probably haven't been able to make much sense out of it. I'm not sleeping as much as I should be, and my linguistic skills have suffered. I mis-spelled "exception" the other day. I was reading my post in a friend's blog, and I kept staring at it, thinking, "there's something not quite right about that", but it took me about ten minutes to figure out what it was. *rolls eyes*

So anyway, I'm gonna go and catch an hour's nap, and maybe eat some nuts and seeds or something...some sort of brain food, anyway. I'll catch up with you guys later.

*hugs*

SO Ready For Bed

My bed arrived this morning, but I'm too tired to even get the pieces out of the box, let alone put it up. I have class this evening and am hoping to get a couple hours of sleep in beforehand, since I spent yet another sleepless night - although this time I actually managed to be productive, and painted until 3am, rather than playing Lunar Genesis (Lunar: Dragonsong) all night.

Although partially that's because I'm stuck on the White Dragon. I can defeat the bugger, but I've done it about twenty times and have yet to obtain BOTH the White Dragon and the Lucia cards in addition to the Gale Ring. (Whether they drop the cards or not is pure luck, so I have to keep doing it over and over until they do. Or, I don't *have* to, I can complete the game without them, but half of the point of playing games for me is collecting stuff. I'm big on collections.)

My cognitive functions are starting to get impaired from this lack of sleep. I mis-spelled "exception" the other day. *rolls eyes*

The mattress looks pretty good, though. Hopefully this mattress will last several years without the springs poking out, unlike the last couple that we've had here. (Admittedly part of the problem is that every mattress I've had has gone to the lodgers before it comes to me; in this house the lodgers tend to get the new things, LOL. ) I'm really hoping that a good mattress will make a positive difference when it comes to my sleep habits.

Egh, I am so damn sleepy...I think I'm gonna have to go. Class tonight, then I can hopefully finish painting (aside from the book alcove, which is going to take HOURS to move everything) tomorrow, and then buy a duvet and put my bed up. I don't want to put the bed up until I have a new duvet, in case any nasties transfer from the old one. (Either mites or allergens - I still haven't figured out what I'm allergic to, aside from cigarette smoke, although since I've been hoovering all the damn time the allergies seem to have calmed down a little bit. I'm hoping that the new bed and bedding will help a lot, though.)

Did that image work? If you can see it, then that's my bed.

Well, sweet dreams. To me, anyway, since you guys are probably up for the day.

LMAO

I just opened up AFF now, and on the front page, where it says "View your online matches"...four out of five of them were over 50, either gray-haired or bald, and verrrrrry wrinkly.

Makes me wonder how much effort they really put into this match thing.