Therefore: a quiz that I answered on Facebook a while back. [Apologies if I already posted it via the Facebook blog, I can't remember when it was.]
LITTLE SECRETS (not really secrets at all)
ONE: Who was your last text from?
A guy I had two one-night-stands with a year ago who got the "this is my new number" text that I sent out to everyone this morning, and couldn't figure out who I was.
TWO: Where was your default pic taken?
I can't remember what the default pic is atm...is it the smiley one with the fat cheeks? Driveway, if it is. If it's the one with the pink cardigan and lipstick, it was in the bathroom.
THREE: Your relationship status?
Blah. Really, freakin' blah.
The short story? Not in a relationship, not looking. My body is available, but my heart and soul and mind have been stolen away until further notice. I hope I get them back soon.
And you don't need to tell me that if I'm not with the guy, I should look elsewhere. It's what everyone tells me, and I see their point of view, but until I get my head sorted out I'd only be going through the motions, and frankly I have better things to spend my energy on than fighting a losing battle with my heart.
FOUR: Have you ever lost a close friend?
Yes. Nuff said.
FIVE: What is your current mood?
I has the sleepies.
SIX: Whats your brother(s)/sister(s) names?
On my father's side, Haley, Stacy, Amy, Lucy. On my mother's side, Tony and Michael (Micky). Plus Chrissie, who thinks she's my sister.
SEVEN: Do you have a job?
Not a real one.
I'm a youth worker in a youth center in East London. Most of the time I work from home, running a helpline and filling in paperwork, although when my health improves I go into work and do hands-on stuff.
It pays my rent and food and phone bill and internet and gym membership and insurances and medical bills, and if I budget well it also stretches to university tuition and ice hockey tickets and books - my main passion and indulgence - and occasional trips to Jane Norman (a recently discovered passion). And yet I feel like I don't have a proper, grown-up job. I feel like I've NEVER had a proper, grown-up job. Maybe because I'm still living at home, and know that I couldn't afford to live alone.
EIGHT: Where do you wish you were right now?
New York. Or the Caribbean.
NINE: Have a crazy side?
Not crazy and wild, just a bit odd. I found myself in the frozen section of Tescos the other day, talking to ice cream. That's when I decided I needed to socialise more.
TEN: Ever had a near death experience?
Yes. There were several times when I should have died. Turns out I don't die easily.
ELEVEN: Something you do a lot?
Feel.
TWELVE: Angry at anyone?
Not acutely. There are a couple of people that I still have some vestiges of a chronic, low-grade anger for. I'm working on them, but most of the time I don't notice it at all.
THIRTEEN: What's stopping you from going for the person you love?
Well, there's problem number 1.
And then there's problem number 2.
And problem number 3.
And problem number 4, which is currently the biggest, but probably not the one that will last the longest: he doesn't love me. He will, one day, but that day is not yet here.
I'm psychic, remember?
FOURTEEN: When was the last time you cried?
Uh, yesterday.
FIFTEEN: Is there anyone you would do anything for?
A handful of people.
SIXTEEN: What you think about when you are falling asleep?
Oh, varies so much, depending on my mood. The best sleep I get is when I'm thinking about football (American) or baseball as I fall asleep. But it's not a thought that can be forced, unfortunately. I can't just make myself think about football, and then sleep well. I have to be thinking about it naturally, in that sort of peaceful, dozy way that makes me feel calm and like the whole world is in its place.
But yeah, the best nights - they're the ones where I don't check my email, and don't read, and don't play DS, and don't do logic puzzles, because all those things make my brain too active. The best nights are the ones where I take a bath with my rose and calendula bath foam and my apricot-almond facial scrub, and come to bed smelling like rose arbors and wedding cake, and listen to a little bit of music on my iPod - Jewel or Bruce Springsteen, something that makes me feel small-town American and homey - and as I listen to the music I fall into that half-awake-half-asleep state where I'm conscious, but not in control of my thoughts. And my mind drifts to an evening sitting in the stands at a game - football, baseball, occasionally basketball - with Dee Dee and Brian and a couple of other people that I know but can't put names to...sometimes Tommy and Laura are in the stands in front of me, and I lean over to talk to them. Sometimes there's hot dogs with onions on. Sometimes it's summer, but most often fall. But there's always love, and affection, and laughter, and there's always the beautiful game. And I fall asleep, and these are the only nights that my sleep is undisturbed.
This is my happy place.
SEVENTEEN: Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Mom.
EIGHTEEN: What is your favorite song?
Sheesh, how do you pick one? I have a couple dozen "favorites", that I cycle.
Currently, Fleetwood Mac's "Crystal".
NINETEEN: What are you doing right now?
Lying on my bed in a T-shirt, knowing that I need to go and take a bath. I was trying to find all the music that's somewhere on my computer but is for all intents and purposes lost...when I downloaded iTunes last night, for some reason it wouldn't accept the music automatically. It all got put in the i-toons player, but none of it would play. So I had to convert everything manually. A pain in the ass, to be sure, since it'll take me a few days to do - but it's doable. But THEN, when I went to find the music? I can only find maybe an eighth of it. The rest has disappeared.
Words cannot express how annoyed I am about this, because by nature I am a very organized person. Until my computer died last time, everything on my hard drive was organized into folders and labelled neatly. I had perhaps three thousand songs on here, a couple hundred saved web pages, and a couple hundred documents of varying sorts - stories, poetry, blog posts, msn conversations, game walkthroughs, etc - and a couple hundred pictures. And I could put my hand on any one of those documents in ninety seconds or less. I had folders in libraries, all of them perfectly organised to my own standards rather than Windows'. And although I've been slowly reorganizing since the computer crash, a healthy, awake, sober Sati would not under any circumstances have put some of her music into an easily accessible folder, and the rest of it into a hidden file. So I can only assume that, while I was either feverish from recurrent ear infections or under the influence of some strong painkiller, I accidentally misfiled everything.
I will find the music. Eventually. When, is another matter.
Anyway, I was searching for the music, and got sidetracked by this questionnaire which I'd saved in notepad to answer and then forgotten about.
TWENTY: Who do you trust right now?
Most people to some degree.
TWENTY-ONE: Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Sainsburys. They were really comfy for sleeping in, and on 70% off sale, so I bought like eight or nine of them - a couple black, mostly blue. This one is black. Somehow the black ones stayed in better condition and didn't bobble as badly.
TWENTY-TWO: Have you kissed someone in the past week?
Not when I was awake.
TWENTY-THREE: Who is your friend that lives closest to you?
Erm, I dunno. I don't think anyone still lives in this town - Becki was the last one, and she may well have moved by now, I know she was doing it soon.
TWENTY-FOUR: Describe your life in one word.
Ducks.
TWENTY-FIVE: Who are you thinking of right now?
Curt.
TWENTY-SIX: What should you be doing right now?
Anything other than what I'm doing.
TWENTY-SEVEN: What are you listening to?
Weird Al - Smells Like Nirvana
TWENTY-EIGHT: Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
I don't remember.
TWENTY-NINE: Who was the last person who yelled at you?
Me. I yell at myself fairly often.
THIRTY: Do you act differently around the person you like?
The short answer would be, no. But that's not entirely true. I could give you the really long answer, which would be all about how we change and become a different person with every single person we interact with - nobody sees exactly the same you as another person sees. But if I talked about that, we'd be here quite a long time.
The medium-length answer is that yes, I do act differently with the person I like / love. I act more like myself than I ever have before. In the past, I haven't always given myself freely to people, even the ones I've loved. People don't always realise that I'm holding back, because I APPEAR to be open and candid. And I am open...as long as it's on my terms.
This time, though, I made a vow. No witholding emotion out of fear of seeming like a psycho. No refusing to say how I feel because I worry that it places emotional demands on them. No trying to protect them from feeling obliged to me, no polite restraint. If me in full is too much, then so be it, but this person deserves honesty.
THIRTY-ONE: What is your natural hair color?
Haven't a freakin' clue. Right now it seems to be growing out a sort of cinnamony brown color, but that may change easily.
THIRTY-TWO: Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard?
Um. I'm not sure. Might have been Brian, or Arty, or someone else that I can't remember. I know it was a couple weeks ago, maybe a couple months ago. I haven't laughed hard much lately. Going purely on probability, it was probably Kid, actually.
THIRTY-THREE: Who was the last person to make you sad or pissed?
Pass.
THIRTY-FOUR: What do you hear?
Nothing, I'm a bit deaf at the moment.
THIRTY-FIVE: Is your hair curly or straight?
I don't know, actually. It seems to come different every day.
THIRTY-SIX: Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before?
Probably. I get called a lot of things on the dating site I belong to. Most of them just pass me by, since they're not from people who interest me.
THIRTY-SEVEN: Do you have a best friend?
Elle, Curt, Tommy. In different ways.
THIRTY-EIGHT: Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days?
No.
THIRTY-NINE: Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
Sure, quite often.
FORTY: Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yeah, when I used to take lessons after school...horse riding, ice skating, all that.
FORTY-ONE: Are you happy with life right now?
Ehh. It's manageable. I do feel on the brink of something, though, but I can't figure out what it is.
FORTY-TWO: Are you currently jealous?
Teensy bit, but it's only background radiation.
FORTY-THREE: What jewelry are you currently wearing?
None.
FORTY-FOUR: What are you doing Friday night?
Not sure. I usually work Fridays, but now that I have two phones that doesn't preclude going out.
FORTY-FIVE: Have you ever had your heart broken?
Bruised, battered, chipped. I don't usually like the term broken, because to me it implies shattered beyond repair, and mine is always repairable. But lately I've been using the term more often than I used to. My heart breaks in little ways quite frequently - much like the ankles of a morbidly obese person, it has too much weight on it, and sustains thousands of tiny little fractures just from everyday life.
FORTY-SIX: Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I don't know.
FORTY-SEVEN: Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
No.
FORTY-EIGHT: What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
Ear infection, but that was 22 infections ago, back in October. I don't even bother going to the doctor anymore, unless something is really critical.
FORTY-NINE: How late did you stay up last night and why?
I was up until about 7 this morning. It's that whole too-full heart thing.
FIFTY: Have you ever been with someone longer than a year?
On and off, yeah. Never constantly on though. Human Teflon, baby.
...Somehow, that phrase doesn't make me smile as much as it once did.
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