Dammit, People Keep Disappearing!

Dammit, every day I seem to be gaining a watcher, and then losing a watcher. But when I go to look to see if it's the same watcher I've gained and then lost, it never is - it's usually someone I've been communicating with for awhile. In the last couple days, InnerPeace07 and evil_lolita have both disappeared, and they're two of my favourite girls on here.

In normal times I'd assume that they'd turned their profiles off to get some rest, but with things how they are, my first thought is, "Oh God, did someone else get banned?"

I'm starting to change my mind about LadyUnlaced's suggested exodus. I thought things were going to blow over after awhile, and we could all go back to blogging peacefully, but it just appears to be getting worse. It looks to me like a reaction (as in, the scientific term) that's reached its critical point: up until now it could have been stopped if we'd just turned the heat down a bit, but now I'm not sure that anyone can stop it. It reminds me of nothing so much as a phosphorus burn, and I think it's going to keep burning until either all the reactant - in this case, hate and resentment - gets used up, or until we're left with nothing but ashes, and have to rebuild from scratch.

Hopefully I'm just in a pessimistic mood, and this is not a premonition. As an empath, though, it's very hard to remain here when there is so much negative emotion flying around. I often feel emotion, whether it's directed at me or not, as a physical force; people's feelings affect me the way physical blows affect you. Some are worse than others - anger can either be like a fever or like a drug, but the hatred that some people feel is like a third-degree burn to me. And yes, I've had third-degree burns before, albeit on only a small part of my body. Add to which the bubbling resentment that I get from a couple of people on here, resentment that they shove down deep inside them, and this place is making me nauseous and cranky and generally uncomfortable. The deep resentment in particular is a strange thing. In some of us here, it's shoved down so far that only a tinge of it is visible to me. So I "meet" a person (in a blog) and instinctively don't like them, but I don't know why, I only know that something about them makes me uncomfortable. And I can't figure it out, because I feel like I SHOULD like them - they appear to be kind and sweet and generally nice, and their characters seem to smell sweet - until I realise that it's the sweet smell that maggots sometimes get.

No, that paragraph wasn't targeting anyone in particular, although I can tell you, I am quite resentful that I feel that I have to make this disclaimer each time that I say something. I've encountered several people who feel this way to me, both in and out of Blogland, and most of the ones I've met in Blogland are now gone, thank goodness. IRL I've met quite a few recently, too.

I'm not in a fighting mood, or even a defending mood. There are times when I'm happy to stick up for what I feel is right, and take on the world if need be, but I'm not in one of those phases at the moment. I'm tending towards reclusiveness right now - I'm tired, and sick, and I don't feel able to function very well or cope with any demands, even simple ones like doing my paperwork. Mostly I just want to be left alone with my books and some food and the couple of hours a week of TV that I watch. And my Tommy Jay, because none of my wishes to be left alone apply to him. He is my spiritual twin - my mirror, my soul, my shield - and we are bonded tightly enough that I don't think he could leave me alone if he tried. But as far as everyone else goes...yeah.

I've been coming out of my shell a bit in the last week, going to Sainsburys twice (yes, I did go back today, and I did manage to get writing icing for the cookies and three more blue T-shirts, plus a black one, as well as two pieces of New York vanilla cheesecake *drools*) and making cookies and answering emails and talking to B and Zia, and preparing for the hordes of kids that will come tomorrow and flat-out DEMAND candy rather than asking nicely. (In this neighborhood, kids are generally not taught manners.) And tomorrow I will dress up in my long black velvet coat-dress, and my black sequinned bat mask, and blood-red lipstick - my fingernails are already dark red and sparkly - and I'll hand out candy and be generally gregarious, at least for a couple of hours. And I'll spend several hours with the spirits of the Ancestors, because that's what we do on Samhain. So yeah, I can force myself to be social, when necessary. But I'm not quite feeling it yet, and it IS a forced thing rather than something that's coming naturally.

You don't need to be worried about me, though. Like I said, I go through phases. There'll be times when I'm a hermit, and then other times when I'm the life of the party, and socialising comes as naturally to me as breathing.

I can't promise that I'll be posting on anything resembling a regular schedule - although I will try to get that cookie recipe put up, and perhaps a couple more pre-Christmas baking recipes - but even if I disappear for a little while, I'll try and keep myself apprised of what's going on in Blogland, at least the pseudoapocalyptic stuff, and if you need me you can always look me up on Facebook.